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Ex Girlfriend Jokes

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What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

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I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

My ex girlfriend got run over by a bus today

Today has just been horrible. I even lost my job as a bus driver.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I spotted my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just ..too much history between us.

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

I saw my ex girlfriend tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and I said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because...

Revenge is a dish best served cold

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me

But no, she’s still alive.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

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My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill.

They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat

But all my thoughts revolve around her

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

There used to be a time where I missed my ex girlfriend so much.

God, looking back I must have wasted around 8-9 bullets.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

I saw my ex girlfriend walking on the street

Not wanting to talk to her, I pretended to be on the phone. But she walked straight to me and said: ' are you pretending to be on the phone?'
'Excuse me,' I said to my imaginery caller, then turned to her, 'No? Why would you say something like that?'
'well your thumb is at your ear and your pi...

When you a mathematician and you tryna calculate the curve on your ex girlfriend

f(x)

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My ex girlfriend is going to make some guy very happy one day.

And fucking miserable the rest of the time.

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

My ex girlfriend was really into Eskimo kisses

But I just wasn’t very Inuit

What should I do if an ex girlfriend calls me and tells me she's HIV positive?

The trick is, always act surprised.

My ex girlfriend left me to become a streetwalker in Venice

She drowned

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

I stole my ex girlfriends wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

I’m broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works.

I am hoping she would give me another shot.

What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend?

The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My crazy ex girlfriend loved to have bikes ridden over her

What an absolute cyclepath

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

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My ex girlfriend is like an archaeologist

...always digging up useless shit from the past

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh

If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

My ex girlfriend recently claimed she had a great memory

She was definitely lying because it didn't take her long to forget me

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