UPJOKE
prefixgirlfriendirknoyannoyplaguypeskyrilevexatiouspesterbotherirritantmolestmolestationvex

Ex Girlfriend Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

My ex girlfriend got run over by a bus today

Today has just been horrible. I even lost my job as a bus driver.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

I saw my ex girlfriend tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and I said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill.

They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

I order my ex girlfriend a meal she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it because...

Revenge is a dish best served cold

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat

But all my thoughts revolve around her

My ex girlfriend tried to steal my hummus once.

Told that chick peace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend is like an archaeologist

...always digging up useless shit from the past

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

I stole my ex girlfriends wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

I saw my ex girlfriend walking on the street

Not wanting to talk to her, I pretended to be on the phone. But she walked straight to me and said: ' are you pretending to be on the phone?'
'Excuse me,' I said to my imaginery caller, then turned to her, 'No? Why would you say something like that?'
'well your thumb is at your ear and your pi...

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

My ex girlfriend was really into Eskimo kisses

But I just wasn’t very Inuit

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my ex girlfriend's funeral yesterday...

...the sex we had after the funeral was the best we've ever had

My ex girlfriend left me to become a streetwalker in Venice

She drowned

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend?

The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

My ex girlfriend used to call me noodles

Because I only lasted 2 minutes.

My ex girlfriend is a brick

Flat on both sides and laid by hispanic men.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

My ex girlfriend had a dog.

That thing was so crazy I ended up putting her down. But I kept the dog.

My ex girlfriend recently claimed she had a great memory

She was definitely lying because it didn't take her long to forget me

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.