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Ashe Jokes

Thinking of having my ashes stored in a glass urn.

Remains to be seen.

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm

"You're a blizzard, Harry"

Just put my father's ashes in the bin.

I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

Hagrid spreading Dumbledore's ashes into the winds.

"You're a blizzard Albus."

Scattered Ashes

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The elderly woman says "Then I'll be sure my ...

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Ashes to ashes, dust to dust

Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust


Herpilations 4:20

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Talk to the Ashes

\[NSFW\]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

my sister told me she won’t scatter my ashes in the ocean

she said there was already too much trash in it.

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

When I die, I think I want my ashes to be kept in a glass jar.....

Remains to be seen.

I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water...

Instagram.

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

I just scattered my Grandfather's ashes...

I wish he would empty his ashtray himself.

A woman was accused of snorting a family members ashes.

She snorted half a gran.

I was discussing my final wishes with my adult children when I said "Regarding disposition of my ashes ...

I have no burning desires about what you do with them"

(This actually happened tonight IRL, and it was not a Dad Joke, just an inadvertent pun)

Do you think we should bring your Grand father's ashes to the party?

Sister: No, we probably dont need to

Me: No, I dont think its necessary

Uncle: No, I think it's dead weight

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Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes...

Three widows are at a crematory collecting their deceased husband's ashes and after mourning for some time, they begin to talk about what they plan to do with their lover's ashes.

The first widow says, "John was very outdoorsman, enjoyed hiking, rock climbing and nature, so I'm going to sprea...

When I die, I want to have my ashes mixed with cocaine

That way, I’ll go out on a high.

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Please spread my ashes over the breakroom at work.

That way Sherry from accounting can bitch about cleaning up my messes forever.

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My porn star friend passed away the other day and as a show of respect, we scattered his ashes...

...all over his wife's face.

I get why Tupac's band smoked his ashes...

...It would have been tacky to take a shot in his memory.

If I die young, I want my girlfriend to cast my ashes headwind

Because she never let me come on her face before.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread on a beach.

Because even when I'm dead, I still want to get into lady's pants.

My family keeps telling me that when I die I should have my ashes made into a diamond

There's a lot of pressure

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How to catch a brown bear

First you need to dig a hole. But it's gotta be a big ass hole because you are going to fit a brown bear in there. Next you need to start a fire inside of the hole. After the fire dies completely out take the ashes from that fire and spread them all around the inside of the hole. After that take a c...

Frank wanted to be remembered.

A group of older veterans had all gotten together after not seeing one another for many years. When they met up they all learned that one of their buddies had passed away right before the get together was scheduled and his wife showed up with his ashes and her husbands request for all the guys. <...

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I told my girlfriend that when I die, I want her to take my ashes, mix them with a bowl of chilly from Wendy’s and eat it.

That way, I can tear up that ass one last time.

I told my wife I wanted her to spread my ashes for traction when the back porch gets icy

That way she can put me to work and step on me one last time.

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Two 81 year old women travelled the world

Two 81 year old women travelled the world in 80 days after the post office lost their ashes.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

A priest and a nun are having a tennis match...

The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better. After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun. She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nu...

I once took a class on trapping animals

To trap a bear, you dig a huge pit, at least 10 feet deep and 10 feet in diameter. Then you go and find as much deadfall as you can and bring it to the pit. You light that on fire and let it burn to ashes.

Next you line a row of peas along the perimeter of the hole. Once that is done, hide b...

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