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Sacre Jokes

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

I dated a hindu girl who would eat chicken or goat but not beef. She said it was a sacred animal.

I didn't get it, i was raised catholic. Our god tastes like cardboard and we still eat him.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

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Why Moses was the one who received the Ten Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?  We're not i...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

some tourists are visiting Egypt and they go to see the sacred bull

While they're there the caretaker comes and grabs the bull and says

"sorry I need to take apis".

The tourists are shocked so they ask "on the bull"?!

In India, they regard Bovine creatures as sacred animals.

Holy Cow!

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

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A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

If Marvel was an Indian company, Spider-Man would've been considered sacred.

He's a cash cow.

Just found out I've failed my German exam.

Sacre bleu!

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

Indiana Jones: "I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments."

Rick from Pawn Stars: "Best I can do is 25 bucks."

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

What do you call a sacred, flammable piece of wood?

A match made in Heaven.

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The aussies will understand

Three men are hiking in the Australian outback. One man is an Englishman, another is a Frenchman, and the other is an Aussie man. The men come across a beautiful lake and decide to take a swim. Once they get out they’re greeted by indigenous tribesmen. The leader of the tribe says to the men “you ha...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.

The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.

Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.

"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred si...

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

Afer some time, they come across a beautiful lake and all decide to go swimming.

Afterwards as they leave the crystal-clear water they are captured by a local tribe and are brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All three of you were caught swimming in our sacred w...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

People and their coffee

They worship it so much it's like sacred grounds to them.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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Shizo Abe, Narendra Modi and Vladimir Putin are driving to an important conference.

It's nighttime and suddenly, their car breaks down in the middle of the countryside. They find shelter at a farm, the farmer offers them to sleep at his place but warns them: "I only have two spare beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn. It's quite warm in there, but there are a deer and a ...

I would make a joke on your mother

But cows are sacred in my country

Neil Armstrong and his team were training for moon expedition at a desert and met an old Native American

The native American asked : Can you do me a favour?

Neil Armstrong : Of course, what do you want?

Native : Please pass this important message to our holy spirits living on the moon

The native American started uttering the message in his tribal language and asked Neil Armstrong t...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Greek are captured by cannibals in Africa.

The chief of the tribe offers to free anyone who succeeds in three tests: drink a ton of wine, pull a thorn from the sacred lion's foot, and have sex with his hundred-year-old grandmother.
They lead the Englishman to the wine hut, he starts drinking but doesn't even get halfway through. The nat...

What part of Popeye never rusts?

The part that he sticks in Olive Oyl.

Colonel Sanders calls up the pope.

"Your holiness", he says. "My business is losing money and I need help. I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican if you change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'".

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sanders" the pope replies. "I cannot change t...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

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For the democrats: Abortion: Yes, and guns: No

For the republicans: No abortion, but we like guns. All life is sacred


Unless it enters my fucking property
*loads shotgun*

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle

When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are ...

What's the holiest, French color?

Sacred blue!

Why was it the Russians that made alcohol out of potatoes instead of the Irish?

Because we'll make alcohol out of anything, except our potatoes. Our potatoes are sacred.

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Good joke I was once told

3 men are captured by a tribe in the jungle the leader of the tribe tells them that they have trespassed on sacred land and they must die. Once they are dead the tribe leader says that he will use their skin to make canoes. They are told however that they can choose how they die. The first man asks ...

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

I'm confused. My professor told me Nietzsche was 'an atheist who worshiped at the altar of nihilism'.

Is nothing sacred?

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Jhingalala

Two explorers in a jungle were caught by fierce tribe for encroaching their sacred land. The first guy was brought before the high council and given an option jhingalala or death. He chose the first option. All the men of the tribe took turns screwing him till he lay crumpled at the end of the ordea...

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3 men get lost

3 men get lost whilst hiking in the Amazon one day, a French man, an English man, and a New Yorker. When trying to find help a tribe of indigenous people jump out at them and say, "your on sacred ground so we are going to kill you and use your skin to make canoes, but we aren't that crazy so we will...

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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

If I get the Coronavirus....

It is my sacred duty to visit the Senate, the Parliament, the Government and several parties' headquarters.

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

Do you believe in Hinduism?

Do you believe in Hinduism? Because I heard that they consider your mom a sacred animal.

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

An Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon.

an Australian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hiking in the amazon. they are approached by a group of very angry natives who are appalled that the travellers are hacking through their sacred forrest. they subdue the travellers and take them to the chief. the chief says:

"how dare you cut t...

The king of the insect kingdom is feeling depressed...

So he asks his advisors for help. The king says, "Oh, advisors, I am feeling quite sad. Our life is so short as insects and we don't do anything but work!"

The advisors tell him that he needs to find the best joke ever to cheer him up. The king thinks this is a good idea so he travels the kin...

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts ...

Dad and Dave were out plowing the fields one day when they took a break.

Dad says, "How come you left a patch over yonder there Dave?"
Dave replies, "Well dad, that there is sacred ground coz thats where I had my first one."
"Oh, your first one hey Dave?Ok. What about that other patch over yonder? Is that where you had your second one?"
"No", says Dave, "Thats w...

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An American, a British, and a Japanese walk through a forest. [long]

They come across a sign that reads, "Indian Sacred Burial Ground." The Japanese man warns the others to turn back, but the others insist on continuing their journey through the burial ground.

Soon enough, the men fall into a trap set by the Indians. As they tumble down into a hole, the chief ...

What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'?

Is it:

A) Holy Loaf

B) Sacred Baguette

Or C) Naan of the above

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A guy gets on a bus... [long]

A guy gets on a bus—

The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever ...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

A rabbi, A pujari (a Hindu holy man) and a Southern Baptist minister were travelling, when they ran out of gas...

so they walked to a farm, and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer agreed to let them stay, but he only had one room with two beds, so the third person would have to sleep in the barn.

"Oy Vey, I'll sleep in the barn" said the Rabbi, and he went off to sleep. Not five minut...

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3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

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A new yorker, a british person, and a french person are on a safari...

when they are ambushed by a tribe in the area.
A tribeman says: "You have trespassed our sacred land and you must be killed. We will skin you and make a canoe when you choose how you want to die."
The French person asks for a bottle of poison.
The British person asks for a gun.
The new y...

A good one to get Catholics in church.

This has to be done in their most sacred place in front of others.

Knock, knock?

Who's there?

The Pope

The Pope Who??


(Just shake your head in shame)

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are hiking in the mountains

They find some hot springs and decide to take a bath. Some native tribals come along and say "you have trespassed our sacred lands. For this, you will be killed and your skin will be made into canoes. But, you each have one wish before you die." The Englishman asks for a knife and slits his throat. ...

A guy tries to rob a bank

A guy walks into a sperm bank with a mask and a gun and shouts "Everyone on the floor, now! Anyone who moves gets shot full of lead!"

He walks to the terrified receptionist and tells her to fill a bag with all the money they got.

"Buy sir," she says, "this is a sperm bank. We don't kee...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

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The Foo Bird

There is a very unique species of bird in Africa known as the Foo bird. In most African tribes the Foo bird is widely believed to be holy. Even the droppings of the Foo bird are regarded as sacred. If defecated on, it is forbidden to wipe the Foo bird droppings off. As the old saying goes, if the Fo...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan are in a car together, but the car breaks down.

Luckily, there's a farm right nearby. The farmer says, "I only got room for two of ya in the house, so one of you's gonna have to sleep in the barn."

The Hindu holy man decides to go, but comes back to the barn because there's a cow in there, and Cows are sacred in his faith.

The Rabb...

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An old cowboy was captured by some Indians and was taken to the chief.

The chief said, "For trespassing on our sacred land you will be put to death in 3 days, but at the morning of each day I will grant you one request."

Two young men from the tribe woke him up early the first morning and asked him what his first request is.

"Just let me talk to my horse,...

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...

...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."

White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and a...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and a Scottish are captured by savages in the deepest jungle of the Amazonas...

Angry, the tribal leader tells them,

"You have trespassed our sacred grounds, and must be punished for it. One hundred times we shall hit each of you with our war clubs, but as traditions decree, all of you will be allowed a single small wish before the clubbing."

The Frenchman, being...

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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A Frenchman, a Englishman, and a American go to a rainforest

A Frenchman, a Englishman, and a American all go wandering through a rainforest when all of a sudden three man jumps out of the bushes and says "Halt! You are on our sacred land you must be killed and turned into a canoe. But we are not savages so you may choose how to die.". The man from France say...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

[Offensive] A Muslim an Atheist and a Hindu get stuck on the side of a road.

A nearby farmer decides to let them stay at his house but he only has two beds so he says one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The Atheist volunteers first and goes to sleep in the barn. However he knocks at the door of the house 15 minutes later and complains that he can't take the sm...

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken”

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

“100 million dollars”, says the KFC r...

Google Doodles

Four people are sitting at a bar. A native American, a trucker, a business woman, and a google employee walks up to these people, and asks them:

“Do any of you know of an important problem facing our society? If so, then we can make a doodle of it and put it on our search homepage to raise aw...

Three Explorers

Three explorers were deep in the jungle exploring when they were ambushed by an indigenous tribe. The tribe surrounded the three with spears and bows while the chief approached them. The chief in surprisingly good English tells the men that they have trespassed on sacred ground. The chief gives the ...

A man walks into a bookshop

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that’s locked in a glass box

He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.

Moments later, a tall, slender man with pa...

Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.

The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb h...

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A English man, a French man and an American man are exploring the Amazon Forest.

Suddenly, a tribe of people appear from behind some bushes. "You are on our sacred land." the leader says. "According to tradition, we have to skin you alive and turn you into a canoe, but that's a little too morbid. Instead, you can decide how you want to die." The English man says, give me a gun. ...

3 men land on an island

One was from Russia one was from London and the other was from New York.
The island has never been discovered by anyone till now so they didn't now what they were getting themselves in to.
While walking in the forest they see a bush.
All of a sudden, a few cannibalistic tribals jump out,...

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3 biologists are exploring an uncharted jungle...

... when suddenly they are seized by natives.

The natives tie them up and take the 3 men to the village where they are placed before the chieftain.

The chieftain says, “You have trespassed on our sacred land, and so, you must be punished. You have one chance to save yourselves from de...

A young man enters a monastery high in the mountains.

The monastery practices a strict code of silence as a test of discipline. Each year, before renewing their sacred vows of silence, the monks may say only two words to the friar.

At the end of his first year, the man says: "Food's bland!" The friar nods and blesses him.

At the e...

Bunga

Three friends travelling through the Amazon jungles become lost, when all of a sudden they are snared up in a huge net. Suddenly, 100 angry looking tribesmen appear and drag the 3 men back to the village.

When they arrived at the village, the chief comes out and says in broken English "You tr...

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Yankel the Jew is walking in town one day. He is walking by the stores, admiring all the storefronts and the products they offer.

Suddenly, he notices a peculiar sign on the window of a pet store: "Talking Parrot! Can have real conversations!"
He went inside and inquired about the parrot. As he was shown the parrot, the parrot squawks, "Hello, how are you! I'm rudolph!" In near perfect english and the parrot holds out his w...

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A marine, army ranger and navy seal are all on a plane.

The pilot radios in that the plane is experiencing uncharted turbulence. He advises the men to gather their survival gear and prepare for a crash landing. All three servicemen look at each other and decide jumping from the plane would be a better option than going down with it. They all parachute ou...

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

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A Hindu, a Jew and a televangelist...

A Hindu, a Jew, and a televangelist are driving down a desolate road late at night, when suddenly the car breaks down in front of a farm. They decide to see if the folks who live on the farm will let them sleep there for the night so they can call a tow truck in the morning.

They knock on th...

A drunkard hits on a nun in the bus

“How's it going sweety, you wanna come to my place?“ The nun, obviously flustered, declines. “Come on sweetheart, just a onetime thing, you're so goddamn cute!“ The nun slaps him and leaves at the next station.

The busdriver, who had noticed the other man hitting on the nun, winks him over. ...

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