What flower is on your face?

Your tulips.

"I want your face to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before falling asleep"

"Oh my God! Are you proposing?"

"What? NO! Just setting your photo as my phone wallpaper. Geez!"

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What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

I asked my 7 year old, "Why do you have chocolate all over your face?"

He said, "Saving it for leftovers."

That boy cracks me up.

Teacher: You should wash your face in the morning

"I can tell what you had for breakfast. You ate scrambled eggs"

Student; "Haha, you're wrong, sir. I ate eggs yesterday".

What do you call a single tear on your face the day of your wedding?

Eye dew.

The doctor on the radio said to treat your face mask like you do your underwear

So I turn in inside out every day

What do you call it when someone looks at your face and says you look good?

Sarcasm.

Your face is like the sun

It burns my eyes

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

because it’s the scenter

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

Nothing like waking up to the gentle pitter-patter of rain drops falling on your face.

Now to only figure out who robbed my roof.

A girl said, "I hate your face"

I said, "So sit on something else."

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Did you hear about the arrogant group of ghosts that like to get up in your face?

They're Boo! cocky....

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Ladies, When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

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Remember girls, if a man calls you pretty, he likes your face, if a man calls you hot,he likes your body , if a man calls you beautiful, he likes your soul ..

All three of them still want to fuck you though....

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body. If he says you're pretty, he's looking at your face...

If he says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother

I don’t celebrate Halloween but if I did I’d be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

Take that look off your face

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."
"Do not fret, my son," says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice."
"Will tha...

What do you call an unhealthy glow on your face after a week long cocaine bender?

Charlie Sheen.

Anyone can bring a smile to your face

Especially when you push them down the stairs

Whether she kicks you in the groin or sits on your face...

Taint gonna happen either way.

What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that gets right up in your face?

Too close for comfort food.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face...

For instance, when you push them down the stairs.

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, why is your nose in the middle of your face?"

I smirked and replied, "Because it's the scenter."

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

water can solve all your problems, want to lose weight, drink mor water, want to wake up, splash want water on your face, someone getting on your nerves,

drown them

A spider just crawled on your face.

I can see defeat in your eyes.

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

Would a hurricane close it's doors in your face?

No, but a Lakewood.

When it comes to social distancing and covering your face in public...

We have to give credit to Muslim women.

What other group of people are covered from head to toe, walking six feet behind their husband?

A Silver sister can't remember your face

But a Silver Bromide

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Read this.. It will put smile on your face * GUARANTEED *

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much a...

How do you avoid bats flying into your face?

Don't go to baseball games.

What kind of pasta should you NEVER put on your face?

Ziti!

(This might be a repost, but my mom just thought of it and I thought it was hilarious 😘)

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Your face is kinda similar to a planet...

''Oh yeah, Which one?''

''Uranus''

Buddy, those pills you're taking, are they for your face?

No, they're for my low self esteem.. So you're not taking anything for your face?


(Courtesy of C&H)

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

That music store downtown called Hot Jazz in Your Face closed

People just stopped coming

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

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A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectan...

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

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Have you heard of the new sex move called the pistachio?

No? Well, it’s when a girl pees on your face and you get some in your moustache.

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, a man deviated from the road and his car fell in a hole beside the road..

He crawled hard outside the hole. A pretty woman saw him and stopped her car to help him.



"Are you OK?" the woman said.



"I am, I guess" the man said while he was trying to stand up.



"You have some blood on your face, come, get in my car and we will go to ...

I can tell you use skincare cream.

It's Retinol over your face.

Four reasons why it would suck to be an egg.

1. You get laid only once.
2. The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
3. It takes 3 minutes to get hard.
4. You come in a box with eleven others.

Brunette goes to the doctor

Brunette woman goes to the doctor complaining that every were she touches her body it hurts, doctor asks touch your face, she says it hurts he says touch your knee,she says it hurts, the doctor finally comes to the conclusion and asks the woman, you was born a blonde wasn't you, woman says yes why,...

A man walks into a church confessional

He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."

"And I’ll be forgiven?" as...

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

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A blonde driver and a blonde cop....

A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop goes up to the blonde's window and says "I need to see your license ma'am." The driver says she doesn't know what that is and the lady officer says "It's that little thing in your purse with your face in it." T...

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake

But at least now we can see your face

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

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A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get...

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What is the difference between a dick and an asshole?

An asshole smiles at your face, say good things about you which he doesn't mean and stabs you in the back.

A dick on the other hand, is always a pain in the ass.

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A pirate walks into his local tavern after being away at sea.

The owner greets him and says “Good to see you, friend. Hey, you didn’t have a peg leg last time you were in here. What happened?”

The pirate replied, “I fell off the deck during an awful storm. A shark bit off my leg while I was in the water, so now I have this peg leg.”

The owner sa...

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Mike Tyson is a jerk

Alright, so Mike Tyson is kind of a dick. He treats all the people around him like shit. His friends, his family, etc. One day, he goes to a restaurant and just refuses to tip his waitress. Little does he know, the waitress was actually a witch. To get revenge, the witch conjures up a spirit to curs...

Now that I am vaccinated I can joke about Covid

Here are a few.

———————

Day 251 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

———————

Nail salons, hair salons, waxing centres and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there!

———————

What’s the best way...

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

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Hey girl, did you fall from heaven?

Cause your face is real fucked up.

Box

I met a guy in a wheelchair today. His face was battered and bruised. “What happened to your face?” I asked. “I’m a Paralympian,” he replied. “Boxing?” “No, … hurdles.”

Went to a great bar with my wife last night.

She said, "I think you better stop drinking, your face is getting blurry !!"

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Three reasons why you don't wanna be an Egg

You only get laid ONCE

You only get ate ONCE

And the only one to sit on your face is your MOTHER

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A man meets with his friend and sees that he has red markings on both sides of his face.

He asks his friend, "What happened to your face?"

The friend replies, "I saw a lady on my way here. She had her skirt wedged between her butt so I fixed it for her. Then she slapped me."

The man says, "Okay... What about the other side?"

The friend replies, "I thought she was ma...

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' ......

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then s...

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Blonde vs Traffic cop who will win?

Traffic cop stops a blonde that sped by him. He asked her for her license, and she replied by asking: "What is a license?" He explained that a license is a square thing with your face of it. The blone ruffles around in her purse for a while, pulls out a small mirror and gives it to the traffic cop. ...

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