UPJOKE
fueled by ramenlock me upwhisper warcobra starshipdcd2 recordsthe hush soundnevadamyspacecartelpete wentzblenderrock musiclas vegaswisconsinsxsw

The Cab Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said...

"I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said, "Turn left."

Hooker and the Cab Driver

A hooker hails a cab in NYC.

The cabbie says "where to mam"?

The hooker says "going home" gives him the address and they speed off.

After fighting through traffic for an hour, he finally gets her home; turns to her

and says "that'll be $80 please".

The hooker say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John and the cab driver

One cold, winter evening John finished his office job in London Victoria and went straight to the pub. He had few drinks too many that night and decided to take a cab home, but when he looked in his wallet he only had last £20 inside. He approached a black cab outside the pub and asked how much woul...

A drunk man hails a taxi. When the cab pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?" "Sure." replies the driver.

"Fantastic!" and throws up on the passenger seat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab...

A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everythi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We ...

THE NUN AND THE CAB RIDE

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as o...

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.


A preacher is next in line behind the cabby...

The cab

A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.

The Jewish guy rolls down t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi in NYC gets into a taxi and politely asks the driver to Midtown. Suddenly a man with a redneck with Swastika barges into the cab, slams the door and orders the driver to the airport. Furious the cab driver gets out, pulls the redneck out of the cab and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

Meanwhile, the Rabbi is screaming Stop! Stop! Unfrazzled, the cab driver continues to beat the shit out of the redneck. A good 5 minutes goes on, the driver beating the redneck and the Rabbi pleading to stop. Finally the cab driver gets back into his taxi and asks the Rabbi "What's wrong with you? D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Engelbert asks a cab driver to take him home after a night out in the city.

He lives in a village outside of town so it is quite a distance. The taxi driver tells him he can take him, but it will cost him $100. Engelbert only has $80, so he tells the taxi driver:

'I'll give you $80 now, but I'll need the same ride next week, and then I'll pay you $200'

The cab...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's three cabs lined up on the side of the street

A guy walks by, talks to the first cab driver and says ''I'll give you 100$ if you suck me off'', the cab driver says ''Get the fuck outta here!''

The guy then goes to the second cab driver and makes the same request, the second cab driver then cussed him out as well

The guy then goes ...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

Why did the cab-driving sith get arrested?

He was a Taxi Vader.

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie

"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

After a night out on the town, a Jewish couple is taking a cab home.

When they arrive, the cabbie says, "That'll be $46, please."

The husband gives him a $50 bill and waits.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have change to give you." says the cabbie.

The husband says, "No worries, you can take us for a spin around the block a couple of times."

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the cab driver say when the black man got into his cab?

Where to sir?

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

The fastest cab service in New York!

A man took a ny cab at night and the cab driver was speeding at exactly 100 mph and would not stop at red lights. Alarmed he asked the driver why and the driver said that it was a family business where they guaranteed the fastest service.

Oh ok..

So the man was shocked when at a green ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

A businessman arrives in Boston and hails a cab at the airport.

Being a great lover of fish and hoping to try out a local speciality for dinner, he says to the driver, "Say, could you tell me please, where's the best place in town to get scrod?"

The cabbie says, "Well, sir, I must get asked that question ten thousand times a year, but never before in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife...

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW (Joke Translated from Arabic) A man goes to the pharmacy for Viagra...

He askes the pharmacist if the viagra really works and will make him last long?

The pharmacist says "yes! And now the box is on sale for $15.00!"

The man says "I only have a $20.00, can you make change?"

The pharmacist does not have change. So the man takes his little blue pill...

A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"

"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"

A german tourist took a cap in Cairo

The cab driver ran a red light.
- “Hey you crazy? “ The German screamed.
= “Don’t worry Habibi. I’m a professional“
Replied the cab driver

Second light he also ran.

- “You gonna kill us man! “ The German screamed in fear .
= “Don’t worry Habibi. I’m a professional“...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Or What

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore.

"For the ...

I was in a taxi yesterday and the cab driver was telling me how he loves his job because he is his own boss and no one can tell him what to do

Just as he finished speaking I told him to turn left

A man goes on a business trip to Boston and wants to try out the local cuisine.

So, as he gets into the cab at the airport, he asks the driver "Where can I get Scrod?" The driver replies "Mister, I've been asked that question many times and in many ways but never before in the Past Pluperfect Possessive."

I finally caught her.

I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a f...

Indian taxi driver

A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest takes a cab in New York City

A priest hails a cab in New York City during rush hour and as they're driving, the cabbie's cursing up a storm, flipping off other drivers, and nearly runs over a couple of pedestrians. The priest, uncomfortable with this, says "would you please stop doing this? I'm a man of god. Have some propriety...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black Boxes in pickups

About 8 years ago, when the trend towards really large pickup trucks began, there was a major increase in accidents with pickups. At the urging of insurance companies, the three major car makers started adding a "black box" to each truck. It would record the last 60 seconds, showing speed, accelerat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.

I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.

As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.

“Soldier, this better be good.” responded his sergeant.

So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story. “Sir, you see, I had a date, a...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour.

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Betrayed

Perry was riding a cab when he saw the *Nun* that he likes very much



"I wish I could kiss that Nun" said Perry



"You could come back here later at 12 MN, I assure you she'll be praying at the back of the church." said the cab driver

"Are you sure?!" said Perry wit...

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus is bored in heaven and decides to take a vacation to Earth

He thinks hitchhiking could be fun, so he disguises himself as an average looking American and flies down from heaven onto a highway in Nebraska. He sticks his thumb out and after a little while, an 18-wheeler pulls over to offer a ride. He climbs in the cab, tells the driver he's headed west and ...

Proud University Graduates

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing

their graduation gowns.

Cab Driver : “Are you graduates from the city university?”

Young Graduates: “Yes, sir,” they announced proudly. “Class of 2021.”

Cab Driver : ...

A man catches a cab in a new city

A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.

Man asks what’s going on?
Cab driver responds “oh don’t worry, my brother always runs through red lights.”

They keep going, and the cab driver doesn’t e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man in Vegas

A man takes a trip to Vegas. After a night of gambling he loses all of his money. Broke and penniless, he tries desperately to find a cab to the airport, so he can get home with the little money he has left. The man gets in a cab outside the casino and says to the driver "I don't have any money left...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim hailed a London cab.

He asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no Western style music or radios. The cab driver turned off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him "What a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband arrives home at 3 AM

His wife is waiting. Furious.

"Where have you been?"

"Honey I know you wouldn't believe me, but I was at work"

" 'till 3 AM??"

"And since I knew you wouldn't believe me - I brought my boss to explain everything"

In comes the husband's boss:

"Hi, Umm.. yes, ...

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hasn't had sex with her husband in years, so he takes her to the doctor

The doctor takes her into the exam room, but he determines that she's healthy and that there is nothing physically wrong with her. So he asks her what could be preventing her from having sex with her husband. She replies:

"Well, every morning, my husband gives me money for work, but it only c...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.