Technics, Pioneer, Sony, Panasonic

Sorry - I shouldn’t make jokes about stereotypes

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

How do you get a hardcore crypto technical analyst off your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza

Technically speaking

We have all kicked a pregnant woman.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet.

Technically, Moses was the first man in history to download data from the cloud to his tablet. And lucky the data is also in the cloud, cause he got angry and smashed his tablet, so he needed a new one to download everything again.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

I’m a jurisprudence fetishist

I get off on technicalities.

I have the reflexes of a cat

Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

Technically Trump was right about when Covid-19 would go away.

Odds are we'll be opening back up by Easter.

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

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Technically it's not boob sweat,

it's humidititties

Mortal Kombat

Did you know mortal kombat is based on an old nordic folk song?
Well it's technically a Finnish hymn

My girlfriend was born in a leap year so technically she is 4 lol

And 1 in leap years

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

Technically, national anthems

are just country music

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Technically we're all Jokers

Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man.

Technically, killing furries isn't manslaughter

It's poaching.

What does a clown living in a sewer and a person working in technical support have in common?

They both are from IT

What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor?

Patient: I can't bend my knee.

Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me.

Uzbekistan is double-landlocked, being surrounded by Kazickstan, Afganistan, Turkmenistan, Kygenistan, and Tajikistan, all landlocked! So technically, Uzbeckistan is...

STANlocked.

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I just had an idea for lawyer porn...

I call it "getting off on technicalities."

Ironman is technically a woman

Because he’s Fe-male

Two redditors walk into a bar.

"Well technically," the first argues, "it is a Pub since it serves food."

"Actually," the second says, "it is a Saloon since it is a part of a hotel."

Neither remembers the point of this post.

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I had a student named Miles in my 5th grade class who moved to JAPAN. Had to change his name to Kilometers.

Slight adjustment to an originally hilarious joke that was shunned on a technicality. #IwasOnlyJoking

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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

"But can you pour it into this to cup?" he asks, handing the bartender a cup.

"We're not supposed to use outside glassware," the bartender says.

The man points to the wall. "Okay, but with any of those glasses, how do I know someone didn't take it out back, take a shit in it, dump the...

Technically it was Moses.....

that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My cupboards are bare! Nothing but a jar of Marlee Matlin's preserves.

That's a def jam.

Technically it's marmalade.

Iron Man is technically a FEmale.

I will downvote myself on the way out....

A man calls technical support.

“Word Perfect Technical support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen ...

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

 

 

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small pla...

The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop

The captain comes over the intercom.
"Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".
A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again...

My wife is the least technical person in the world, so when she told me she had finished installing Java, I was astounded.

Until she held up her empty coffee cup.

Flavored lube is technically meat seasoning if you think about it

Wouldn’t use it on the grill, though

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A man has been arrested for publically masturbating while reading out loud from a law book, all the while imagining legal cases.

Though he got off on a technicality.

When you think about it, technically all Australian submarines are down under.

.............I'll let that sink in.

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Technically speaking, my sex drive is

a hard disk.

A joke by Siri, even when I didn’t ask for one

They say that age is just a number. Technically, it’s also a word.

Joke

If tomatoes are a fruit isn’t ketchup technically a smoothie?

Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Draft: Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Mohammad bin Salman is 33 making him, technically, a Millennial...

...so now Baby Boomers can add "Journalists" to their list of "things Millennials are killing".

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

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The person who proofread Hitler's speeches....

Would he technically be a grammar nazi?

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

I let my boss know I wouldn't be in because I had a case of Corona.

Technically I wasn't lying because I did drink like 10 of the 12.

Have you ever heard the technical term for a broken escalator?

Stairs.

If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit...

Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?

This Unicode technical specification is extremely dull reading

But it does have many interesting characters.

She's technically not wrong...

This actually happened last night with my girlfriend...
Me: So did you read 1984?
She: Yeah, I did...utopian society right?
Me:No it is the total opposite...do you know the opposite of utopian?
She: yeah..Ethiopia right?
and yes she was being totally serious.

What did God say to Saint Peter, when giving him control of the weather?

You have free rain!

(had this idea in the shower, so it's technically a shower thought?)

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

When she found out he worked in technical support, it really turned her on.

Then it turned her off.
Then it turned her on again.

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Did you guys hear about that sex offender who had a fetish for bureaucracy?

He got off on a technicality...

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A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

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What is the technical name for Viagra?

Mycoxafloppin

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Wife and technical support

Dear technical support.

Last year I upgraded my Boyfriend 5.0 program in to the version Husband 1.0 and I noticed that the new program has unexpected changes in its processing modules. The program limited the access to Flowers and Jewelry applications which worked perfectly under the version...

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

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I'm technically 5'11" but whenever people ask I just say I'm 6'0".

I do it for the same reason I tell people I have a four inch penis - what's an extra inch, anyway?

A man sells his soul to the devil

He’s down on his luck and needs money in the worst way. The devil appears to him and says I can give you all the money you need, just sell me your soul and your money problems will be gone. The devil even promised him not to take his soul for another ten years.

The man decides to make the dea...

Did you know?

Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts.

...

The technical term for it is post-nut clarity

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

A military plane has some technical difficulties and is forced to crash-land on an island in the Pacific.

As it turns out, it was inhabited by cannibals. Without much ado, the crew are captured and delivered to the village, to be put in the communal pot.

The chief of the tribe approaches, and asks them "Who might you be, snacks from above?"

"Airman Sam Jones," says one.

"Airman Dan ...

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A student is late for a zoom class...

"What took you so long?" the teacher asks.
"Technical difficulties" the student answers.
"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?"
"My clock"

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

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