What is the SS called in Germany?

The ß

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Bill and Steve are a gray couple on an airplane.

Bill turns to Steve, "you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, like right here in our seats."

Steve surprised "whoah man, there are people everywhere, they would watch, it'd be weird."

"Nobody pays attention on a plane." Says Bill. With that he gets up and shoots t...

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Sailing aboard the new cruise liner SS Penis is by invitation only.

It's an exclusive member ship.

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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I'm a sarcastic Nazi

/ss

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Chief SS Officer: "Sir, it seems we are mining too many minerals."

Hitler: "Then mine less minerals."

Grammar Nazi: "Mine **fewer**!"

Hitler: "Yes?"

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

What do Germans call the SS?

The ß

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

A man goes to the mechanic.

He says "My car goes rr- rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man frowns and says "My car goes rr-rr-rr-"
The mechanic says "Yes, the transmission probably needs replacing."

The man looks angry and says "Would you l-let me ff-finish! I h...

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In 1944 during a prisoner revolt at the Nazi's most infamous concentration camp, an SS guard was burned alive by prisoners in a crematorium oven.

That is what I call the Auschwitzaroo.

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Why did Hitler's SS soldiers love animals?

They were all veteran aryans

What letter is used to spell "SS"

Not C

What’s the difference between brown nosing and kissing @ss?

Depth perception

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A girl goes to confession [NSFW]

Girl: Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday.


Priest: Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?


Girl: Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission.


Priest: Do you mean like this? (He touches her arm.)


Girl: Yes father.


Pri...

What do you call a blind SS officer?

A Not-see

One day a sailor gets on his boat named the “SS Sperm whale”

He notices several people looking at him wondering about the name of his boat. He decides to dispel their confusion and spreads his arms wide then says,

“Hey guys! Whalecum!”

A drum, a sheep, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Dum, ba, ss.

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

My friend was recently blinded in an horrific skiing accident...

So please comment with your best cyclops/pirate/one eyed jokes so I can simultaneously cheer him up & take the p*ss

(This aint a joke)

What's an SS soldier's favorite key?

I don't know, but I know it's not C!

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An old man tsks at his great-grandson playing Fortnite

"This is what you kids do for fun these days? Why back in my day, we'd go to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, fuck all the dancers, piss all over the bar, and leave without paying!"

He didn't think anything more of it until a month later when his great-grandson limped into his house on a pair of cr...

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

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A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his granddad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", asked the granddad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII...

An American soldier was captured by the Germans during WWII. He was placed into a detention cell and soon a neatly uniformed SS officer comes to interrogate him.

“Vhere is your unit based?” asks the officer in accented English. But the soldier looks him dead in the eyes and says only “Tick t...

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What's Hitler's favourite phone?

Samsung Galaxy SS

I know it's bad...

Last night's baseball game was epic. The two teams had rosters full of the most popular players in the league. It also marked the comeback of popular SS Jed Marksby from a severe ocular injury. The game ended on a check swing that was appealed to the 3rd base ump. He called it a strike and the h...

A deformed cat walks into a bar

The bartender says:

"What can I do for you?"

To which the cat immediately replies:

"I'll have a gla-..."

"..."

"..."

"-ss of your finest milk please!"

And so the bartender places the glass of milk onto the bar table.

To which the cat, from all ...

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Here’s a joke my pastor told today.

So a pastor comes home from church one day while his wife stayed home. His wife asks,

“So what did you preach about today?”

The pastor talked about sex, but couldn’t bring himself to say it to his wife. He stutters and says

“S-s-ss Sailing!” And he leaves the room.

Later...

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Some historic anti-Nazi jokes from Germany

Hey there. I thought, I'll take the time and translate you some of the so-called "Flüsterwitze"(whisper jokes) from nazi Germany.

* The old code of law seems to complicated, so it has to be changed. From now on, there are only three laws: 1. If you do something, or fail to do something, you ...

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My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no ...

Jesus and Moses are taking a walk along the beach of the red sea.

Jesus looks out at the water and asks "hey Moses you think you still got it?" Moses huffs and puts his staff in the water, the water rushes to the sides and the red sea splits. Moses smiles and pulls his staff, the sea goes back to normal. "Alright your turn, i want to see you walk on water" jesus s...

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The Good Wife

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"P!ss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the w...

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A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.

He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.

First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful roo...

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Translated Slovakian joke

A guerilla fighter is caught by the Nazis during the uprising and is being interrogated. In his defence he says: "look my Grandpa was a great fighter, he shot 46 Soviet soldiers, so dont kill me please!" The Nazi guard asks him: "How do you know they were Soviet soldiers?" "Well, they all had SS on ...

A young Private

A new Private arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told by the Armory Sergeant that resources are stretched thin and they have no rifles to give him, but they still expect him to go on patrol. He asks the Sergeant what he should do if he has to fight? The Sergeant ...

Who won the first Tour de France?

The Panzer SS 1st Division

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A Russian goes to a sex therapist...

[Old joke]. A Russian goes to a sex therapist:

The therapist asks, "So tell me about the last time you had sex."

The Russian replies, "Last month, I have sex with horse."

The therapist is taken aback, "Um... so tell me, how long have you been having relations with um.. barn an...

A rich snail goes into a car shop...

He picks out a super fast car and says, "I want a big S painted on the left side, the right side, the front, the back. I want big Ss everywhere! The car painter asks why, and the snail says, "Because when I pass people on the road I want them to point at me and say, 'Wow! Look at that escargot!'"

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What do you call a Nazi that always accidentally hits the caps lock key instead of the "a" key?

SS

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A young man is undecided where he should spend this year's vacation

He asks his grandfather for advice.
Grandfather: 'When I was your age, I went to Paris. I went to a bar and everything was for free. I was totally drunk, climbed on the counter and pissed on the floor. After that I spanked that waitress' ass.'

The young man is excited: 'Wow! That sounds gr...

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My grandfather was a WWII vet...

He said he went to Paris back in the day, and went into this lounge called "Les Jardin Rois" got drunk and pissed on the bar, banged all the waitresses, beat up the bouncer and threw a chair through the front window.
Naturally, I went there on vacation one year and tried the same shit, got my a...

Mississippi Social Security

A man from Mississippi tells his wife that he's of age and next moth he's going to get social security. She says honey now honey how you gonna do that with drivers license no SS card no birth certificate? He says "now you look here girl tomorrow I'm gonna get it". The next day he's down at the s...

It was 1940...

...in war time Berlin. An SS Officer had a side line going as an amateur clock maker and repairer. One day a customer walked into his clock repair shop with a mantel clock. The SS Officer said "Vhat can I do for you?" The customer replied. "It's my mantel clock. It's not working properly... if you p...

Bill & Hillary are on the mound of Yankees Stadium

Before one of their games. Bill picks up Hillary and heaves her towards home plate.

As the SS run over to help her up, One of their handlers screams at him, "Mr. President! You were supposed to throw the first *pitch!*"

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