UPJOKE
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I've been single so long

a bug flew in my eye and I thought, "It's nice to be touched."

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

After so long of Hell being just too hot...

The inhabitants decide to steal a/c units from Heaven and install them, making the place a little more comfortable. When the inhabitants of Heaven learn what's been done, they lash out in outrage. "How dare you! We'll sue you!" they cried.

To which Hell's residents replied: "You can try, s...

I've been stuck in this cucumber costume so long...

That now I'm in a pickle...

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

I ran into my ex at the gym. We ended up talking for so long we didn't even get to our routines for the day. It was just like old times.

We didn't work out.

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’ The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

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Have you ever watched porn so long that you almost came?

Neither have I

Why did it take so long for the construction worker to propose?

He was building up to it.

I’ve been single for so long…

My last Crush was an orange soda.

You know, I’ve been wearing glasses for so long…

It’s hard to see myself without them

I have a theory as to why the Cybertruck is taking so long to get in production:

They are experiencing an Elon-gated Delay!

Why was "Art of the Deal" so long?

It had six Chapter 11s.

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

Why did Bilbo Baggins live so long?

Because old hobbits die hard.

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My dick is so long if I laid it on the keyboard it would stretch all the way from A to Z

Wait... Shit...

Why'd the accused pimp take so long to answer the judge?

He wanted to gather his THOTs first.

Did you hear about the English teacher who went to prison for so long she went through menopause?

She was most upset that there would be no period at the end of her sentence.

If you're wondering why its taking so long to count votes in Nevada

They hired pole workers instead of poll workers

Why did it take John Rhys-Davies so long to get married?

Bad dates.

My to-do list has gotten so long

I don't know what to do

I've never had my hair so long in my life. At first I hated it.

I'm not sure why but it's growing on me.

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My tastes in porn have become very eccentric due to being single and alone for so long during the quarantine. But I've vowed to change after what I watched last night...

I thought to myself, "I can't believe I've come to this."

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Why is Nevada taking so long to count the votes?

When Vegas found out someone was counting they beat the shit out of them and kicked them out.

Do you know why giraffes necks are so long?

Because their heads are so far from their body

Why did it take so long for Trump to catch Covid-19?

He was holding out for a Covid-15 or 16 at the oldest.

Why is Nevada taking so long?

Because they can't count the next vote until somebody rolls a seven

We’ve been married so long that I don’t have to finish my sentences any more...

But I still do, just to annoy her.

Why did the grammar teacher go to jail for so long?

He had a run-on sentence.

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Did you hear about the man whose penis is so long that the tip of it could touch the sun?

He has one astronomical unit!

It's no surprise Nevada is taking so long to count their ballots

Anyone smart enough to count in Vegas gets kicked out and banned for life

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I haven't had sex in so long

sometimes I go for a run in flip flops to remember what it sounds like.

Why is it taking so long to hear the results from Pennsylvania?

Because the Amish deliver everything by horse

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man say...

That World Series game was so long...

When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.

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I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

Why does Hamlet take so long in the Bathroom?

He cannot decide to pee or not to pee.

I've been in quarantine for so long

That I'm using shampoo on my pubes.

And hand sanitizer on everything else.

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

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We all have to be careful because people are facing mental health issues from being isolated for so long

In fact, I have been discussing with the microwave and toaster during coffee break and we all agreed that things are getting hot.

I spoke with the window this morning cos it was very open about it.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on every...

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?

They got stuck at C.

[Original] Some food has been in my house for so long that even the freezer could not save it from expiration.

I keep putting off throwing the items away, which is only delaying the inedible.

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

Why did it take so long to make communism?

cause they were Stalin

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long?

but then it finally dawned on me.

Why are Trump's ties so long?

Because they go all the way to Russia

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

I left my ex for the same reason I was with her for so long.

She sucked.

The pyramids took so long to build because creepers kept on destroying them...

That's why the ancient Egyptians worshipped cats to scare the creepers away.

Why do non Jewish movies run for so long?

It’s because they’re uncut

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I hadn't had sex in so long,

I forgot what a woman's penis looks like.

Never thought eating a clock would take so long

it's time consuming.

Why did Soviet Russia take so long to fall?

A lot of the time it was just Stalin.

Why did it take so long for Americans to beat Germany in WW2?

They weren't Russian.

I actually had anxiety for so long I went to a psychiatrist. And I said to the guy, 'I'm constantly anxious. What do I do?'

He told me I had obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I was shocked. I had to call him nine times to make sure he was certain.

Why did it take Joe so long to officially announce his 2020 campaign?

He was Biden his time.

Why do dogs live so long in Germany?

Because of all the Veteran Aryans.

Why did it take so long for Atlanta to build a subway?

Talking about an underground railroad is still a sore subject around those parts.

A son says to his dad, "Hey I'm going to get a soda, you need anything?". The dad says, "Yeah get me a beer. Actually, make it two cans.". The son goes into the kitchen and is gone for about an hour and a half. The door opens and he asks his son, "What the hell took so long?".

The son walks in and says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three pet stores before I found one that sold toucans."

Why do orgies always take so long in Heaven?...

Because Jesus always pretends he’s about to come again.

Why is Donald Trump’s biography so long?

It has four Chapter 11s.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

I thought about getting myself a watch so long I could wear it as a belt

But I guess it'd be such a waist of time

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My penis is so long

When i put it on my keyboard, it covers all the way from A to Z

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

Why did the computer take so long to arrive?

It had a hard drive

Why did it take so long for Labour to expel Alistair Campbell

It's really difficult to draw a pentagram around a moving target.

Why did it took so long to investigate Flint water crisis?

They never appointed a lead detective

My CVS receipt was so long, I could tie it around my waist...

It was a waist of paper.

My wife was in labor for so long...

It felt like a maternity

I have tricked so many people, for so long, that now I am a

Serial Master Baiter.

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My girlfriend hasn't touched my dick in so long.

Its schlong overdue.

I've finally discovered why it takes so long to develop self-driving vehicle technology.

The first cars equipped with it have to turn 16 before any real development can begin.

My hair is so long, it started growing it’s own hair.

Don’t take that too seriously, it's metafollicle.

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My wife and I have been together so long she’s started finishing my sentences

Shes getting quite good at muttering “bitch” at precisely the right moment.

Why’d it take so long for the two legged cat to cross the road?

It had two paws

Why does it take so long when Satan is in front of you in line at the post office?

Because the devil takes many forms.

Why did the cold war last so long?

The US couldn't stop Stalin.

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

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It was taking me so long to pick my nose...

That my impatient plastic surgeon suggested that I get a boob job instead.

Why is the Flynn investigation taking so long?

Because they're carefully Muelling it over.

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Why did the Soviets wait so long to fight the Nazis in World War 2?

Their leader was Stalin

I'm single for so long

My last girlfriend dumped me on MSN.

Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

Why did the droids take so long to complete the Death Star?

Because they had bad motivators...



Star Wars fans will get this one...

Why did 'Civil Disobedience' take so long to write?

The author was being Thoreau

Why did it take the cannibal lion so long to apologize?

It took him a long time to swallow his pride.

Why do turtles live so long?

In the race of life, they're dead last

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I haven't had sex in so long

I think my virginity is coming back

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My dick is so long it goes from a to z on the keyboard

Wait... Aw fuck

Why do centipedes live so long?

It takes them awhile to reach their last legs.

Why did the boy stare at his orange juice for so long?

Because it said, Concentrate.

Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe?

Because the servers cannot be found

A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?"

Single Handedly

Why did the Mexican civil war last so long?

Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.

Why does coffee take so long to make in a purcolator?

Because it's not called a purconow.

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