Russian Army Jokes

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

They get paid in exposure.

Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

To see the battlefield.

Give a private two metallic spheres. After a while one will be broken, one - lost.

Q: Hoш До you Hоld youя АК-47 when running aшay froм nucleaя blast?

A: On far stretched out hands coмяad, so the hot метал, froм the gun does not dяip on sтате oшned shoes!

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish tank is better than 10 Russian tanks!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends 10 T-14 Armata, the most powerful tanks of the Russian military on the hill to capture it. There is the sound of battle for a mi... read more

Hoping to scare them off, one of the civilians points their fake weapon at a Russian soldier and shouts "Bang!" as loud as he can. Amazingly, a soldier directly in front of his rifle staggers back from the hit and falls over dead. The other civilians are astounded, but they realize that somehow th... read more

It’s called operation “give them a full tank of gas”

was/were

Russian: Mark my words the glorious Russian army will be marching into Lviv by December.

Me: Anything's possible I guess, marching will definitely be the course of action I don't think Russia has any tanks left, but I'm not sure if they have any POW camps in Lviv.

They find a shed, in side they hide in three sacks.
A few soldiers enter and start looking for them.
They come to the first sack which paddy English man is in.
One of the soldiers gives it a kick and paddy barks.
The soldier says "it's only a bag of dogs"
They come to the second sack... read more

The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."

You may wonder why Russian army is superior to all other armies. Well, it is because of their excellent strategy and tactics. For example, during six days war, Russian officers advised Egypt how to defeat Israel. The advise was: draw enemy deep inside the country and wait for winter!

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One... read more

Alexei is the worst mechanic in the Russian army

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ... read more

To see which army is the strongest, the United Nations placed three rabbits in three forests.the one spent least time and sent least soldiers wins.
On day one, the U.S. Army go first. They spent half a day meeting to formulate a battle plan, strictly divide the labor, and then sent a hundred spe... read more

...when suddenly the point man drops dead from a bullet through his head. The Commander orders the platoon to halt and take cover, when they hear a voice echo through the forest from behind a nearby ridge.

"1 Finnish sniper is worth 5 Russian soldiers!"

Stunned by this ridiculous claim... read more