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Martial Jokes

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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The F...

I'm a dyslexic Mixed Martial Arts fighter

AMA.

What kind of martial arts do monkeys do?

Flungpoo

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I was at the bar in the International Airport when a small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts, like Kung-Fu, or Karate?" He says "No, why in the hell would you ask? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

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Which is the most kosher martial art?

Jew jitsu

What do you call a stag that practices martial arts?

A Tae Kwon Doe.

What's the difference between Martial and Marital?

Whether the violence is domestic.

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

What's a martial artist's favorite beverage?

Kara-Tea!

Why did the martial artist not pass the maths test.

Because he was kung-fused.

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

What martial art does Homer Simpson practice?

Jeet Kune D’oh!

What kind of martial art does a Rabbi use?

Jew-Jitsu

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

A martial arts competition is taking place

There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing....

What do martial arts and matzah have in common?

Judo

What is the worst martial art?

Tae Kwan don't

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What was Hitler's Least Favorite Martial Arts?

Jew Jitsu

what do martial artists eat?

kung food

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

What martial art does Earth know?

Geo-Jitsu

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies:
"what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its becaus...

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What's the martial arts All jews are afraid of?

Jew Git sue.

What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

He also had a brother, the revolutionary vegan activist, Brocco Lee

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Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a...

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen fein...

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Why are martial artists so stylish?

Cause they always have kick-ass shoes!

I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.

What do martial artists serve at a party?

All kinds of punch!

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?

Pork Chop

What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

Why don’t a lot of people talk about older Chinese martial arts?

Because it’s a tai-chi subject

When a martial arts practitioner gets hurt...

it's called a ninjury.

I’m a huge fan of foreign martial arts, so I went to Thailand for an MMA competition

Somebody must have given me the directions to a local Star Wars convention instead because all I see are Thai Fighters

What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food

(Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

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A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."

"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accept...

What do martial artist love to drink?

WATAAA

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

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[Nsfw] This farmer stomps into his martial bedroom carrying a sheep...

...and exclaims "This is the pig I fuck when you give me attitude"
His wife looks at him curiously and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
He snaps back and says "I think you'll find that's who I was talking to"

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

Martial Arts for weak prisoners

A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo

What martial art does a vegan kick boxer specialize in?

To-fu

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.

That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".

What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?

One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.

What do you call it when a gorilla takes martial arts lessons?

Kong-fu

Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce’s son

AllegedLee

Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street...

If you run away, you probably won't get hit.

Working on a new type of martial arts that involves taking money from Hispanics..

called TakeJuan'sDough.

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

A really stupid joke

What is a martial artist's favorite thing to drink

WATAH

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

I made a mistake shaving my privates today

Or "gross misconduct" as my court martial put it

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

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I’m not Rabbi-ing it

I was shocked to hear my Rabbi was going to start a martial arts studio...

He calls it Jew Jitsu

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"

He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"

I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

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