UPJOKE
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I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

What's the difference between Martial and Marital?

Whether the violence is domestic.

Ben and Jerrys have opened a school of Martial Arts

It's called Cookie-Do

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Which is the most kosher martial art?

Jew jitsu

One day, I was speaking with a martial arts master.

I asked, "Is it true that you once defeated one hundred men in only a few seconds using the Way of the Fist?"

He replied, "Nay, Palm."

What kind of martial art does a Rabbi use?

Jew-Jitsu

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What form of martial arts would hitler never use?

Jew-Jutsu

What's a martial artist's favorite beverage?

Kara-Tea!

I've developed my own style of martial arts that involves defenestration.

I call it Yeet Kune Do.

What martial art does Homer Simpson practice?

Jeet Kune D’oh!

A really stupid joke

What is a martial artist's favorite thing to drink

WATAH

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

A martial arts competition is taking place

There is a line to practice kicks, grapples and throws. But something’s missing....

What do martial arts and matzah have in common?

Judo

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

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What is the most popular form of martial arts in Israel?

Jew - Jitsu

I’m sick of martial arts.

I have kung flu.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old)

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.

Kind of.. Kung Fusing

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Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.

The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.

The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.

The F...

What is the worst martial art?

Tae Kwan don't

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

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What's the martial arts All jews are afraid of?

Jew Git sue.

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A man wishes to become a monk at a temple known to teach exotic martial arts...

He visited the temple and the head monk told him: "To become a monk, you will have to resist your lust towards women."

"I will give you a test," The head monk said. "I will tie a pair of bells on your penis, if you can look at a woman for 10 seconds without the bell ringing, you can be accept...

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

Why don’t a lot of people talk about older Chinese martial arts?

Because it’s a tai-chi subject

What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

He also had a brother, the revolutionary vegan activist, Brocco Lee

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Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

What martial art does Earth know?

Geo-Jitsu

what do martial artists eat?

kung food

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?

Pork Chop

What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

What martial art do monkeys do?

Flung Poo.

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Bonzo The Martial Arts Dog

I once had a dog named "Bonzo" and he was really talented. One day, Bonzo and I went to find him a job, so we went to a martial arts studio. The owner looked at us and told us to get out. Bonzo looked unhappy, so I convinced the owner to allow us to give a demonstration. So the owner points at a...

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

Which martial art is used to make bagels?

Judo

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Why are martial artists so stylish?

Cause they always have kick-ass shoes!

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[Nsfw] This farmer stomps into his martial bedroom carrying a sheep...

...and exclaims "This is the pig I fuck when you give me attitude"
His wife looks at him curiously and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep"
He snaps back and says "I think you'll find that's who I was talking to"

What martial art Aquaman learnt in Atlantis?

Crab Magá

What would be the best martial art to teach to a toddler?

I was thinking about a little Tyke Won Do.

What kind of martial art does a chef do?

Kung food

(Don't hurt me, I know it's bad)

Two martial artists...

...are arguing over who would win a fight between a skilled swordsman carrying a broadsword and a master wielder of an épée. They agree that the only way to settle the argument is actually to fight one another, each using one of the two weapons. An epic battle ensues and then, the two swordsmen fein...

Did you hear about the guy who claims to be martial arts master Bruce’s son

AllegedLee

When a martial arts practitioner gets hurt...

it's called a ninjury.

In WW I, US soldiers could be court martialed for contracting gonorrhoea.

That's why they call it a "dishonorable discharge".

What form of deadly martial arts are soybeans trained in?

Tofu

I made a mistake shaving my privates today

Or "gross misconduct" as my court martial put it

What martial art does a vegan kick boxer specialize in?

To-fu

Working on a new type of martial arts that involves taking money from Hispanics..

called TakeJuan'sDough.

Three suitors - choose wisely.

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."


So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

...

Boxing is probably the most applicable martial art to the street...

If you run away, you probably won't get hit.

Martial Arts for weak prisoners

A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo

What kind of martial arts do birds practice?

Wing Chun

I was surprised to learn that the Israeli form of martial art was Krav maga...

I always thought they used JEWjitzu...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I was sitting down in a bar when an Asian walks in and takes a sip of beer

I ask him if he knew any martial arts like Kung-Fu, ju jitsu, or karate. He said “No! WTF man? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?” I said “No, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.”

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.


So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

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a joke that isn't racist

a guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:

"hey do you know, tai quon do, ju jutsu, kung fu or any of that shit?"

offended the Asian man replies: "what you think that just because i'm asian i know martial arts?"

the man replies: "nah its because y...

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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A multi-millionaire living in Darwin, Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors...

He also invited Brian, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the barbecue, and flirting.

Then at the height of the party, the millionair...

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?

One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.

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A blind man walks into a biker bar andvorders a beer

While supping on his beverage, he asks the barmaid if she would like to hear a blonde joke.

The barmaid, in a rather gruff tone says
"Listen here sir, because of your disability, i will warn you now, im 6'2", weigh 300 LBS and lift weights in my free time. Im also blonde, the young ...

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He'll never make it

Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds...

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A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"

He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"

I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

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A man wants to join the CIA

He signs up for recruitment and a couple days later he gets accepted into the training program. The CIA begins to put him through a bunch of tests to see if he's truly qualified to be an agent. He goes to the shooting range, he swims and runs laps to show his endurance, and he trains in martial arts...

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American marine looks for a seat in a train

In one compartment, he finds a seat near a French elderly woman looking very important. Unfortunately, that seat is occupied by that woman's chihuahua. So he politely asks her if he can sit there.

She very angrily responds: “You Americans are so rude! My Ruby is sitting there!”

He give...

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