UPJOKE
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Onc Jokes

Once, Chuck Norris reached a point of no return….

…..and returned.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 men.

It exploded and killed 20 more. Then he threw the pin and killed 10 more men.

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...

...and it looked away.

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Husband: I have cheated once

Husband: I have cheated once

Wife: me too.

husband: 1st of Apriii....

Wife: 18th of June

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

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I found a homeless girl behind a dumpster once

So I took her home and gave her a bath. She was pretty and one thing led to another we started having sex.

At one point we were shagging so hard the noises she was making, you would of thought she was still alive.

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I once hooked up with a Japanese porn star...

...but it was a total blur.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

I tried dating a cougar once.

Turned out she was a cheetah.

Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...

"The most violent book I have ever read"

I debated a flat earther once

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

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A girl once asked me if I was a breast or legs guy

I told her I was more into anal and feet

Now I’m banned from KFC

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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

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An attractive woman once asked if I was more interested in breasts or legs.

I told her that I was mainly into feet and anal.


I'm no longer welcome at that KFC restaurant.

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia.

Eventually, she came to her senses.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

My friend once told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I replied, " Yeah well, they were separated at birth"

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…

“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

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My penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records

But the librarian made me take it out.

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and n...

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, Once

They did unspeakable things.

I once dated a Turkish woman.

Her mother was Tunisian, and her father was Canadian. Her grandparents were Albanian and her brother was Danish.


I broke up with her though, too many red flags.

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Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought a...

I was once so broke

I could not pay my electric bill…

Those were the darkest days of my life…

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

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My girlfriend once caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I told her “it’s not what it looks like”.

There was once a rich merchant ...

...who owned a slave named Manuel who was very good at hiding his thoughts and feelings. This merchant would often have his slave negotiate trade deals, very much to the merchants profit. This was the case because it was a well-known fact of that...

Nobody reads the owner's Manuel.

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

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I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

i once lost my watch..

i once lost my watch at a party. after an hour of searching, i saw a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. i immediately went to him, kicked him, and saved the woman. no one ever harasses a female, not on my watch



edit- damn this blew up like a time bomb

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

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Chuck Norris Once Jizzed in the Ocean

That's why we have sperm whales.

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

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was once woken with a blowjob

almost choked to death

edit: no i did not steal from https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/82n5ww/whats_the_sexiest_thing_your_so_has_done/dvbsy4m
but obviously 2 people can have the same joke (i dont really check actual reddit just other subreds)

I dated a blind girl once...

I thought she was cheating on me. What a relief it was to find out the truth! Turned out she wasn't seeing anybody.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Once I was a male trapped in a female body..

Then I was born.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor...

....if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40...

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

I sat next to a Thai girl once

I said

Don't get an erection

Don't get an erection

Don't get an erection

Then she did

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

I told a fencing joke on Reddit once.

Turned out to be a riposte.

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I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

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I once saw a pirate woman with an amazing butt.

I'd say she was thicc with 7 C's.

I met Tom Hanks once. He was so rude

I asked for his autograph and all he wrote was thanks.

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

I once met a girl with 12 nipples...

Sounds funny.

Dozen tit.

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I had questionable intercourse in an English County once

It was Sussex.

A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that

An Irishman walks into a bar, and orders three pints, all at once.

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One...

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There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' ...

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

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I walked in on my parents having sex once.

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

I was once taught that nothing rhymes with silver...

But to this day, I still don’t think they sound the same.

I once told my dad

that I had an imaginary girlfriend.

My dad sighed and said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said.

My dad shook his head and said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

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A group of scientists once conducted an experiment on cockroaches.

They asked a cockroach to run and it ran. Then they removed a leg and asked it to run and it did but with much less efficiency. Then they removed another leg and asked it to run and it did it with even lesser efficiency. When they cut another one, the cockroach could barely move but it tried nonethe...

There once lived a homeless man

The homeless man is wandering about a riverbank one day, when he spots a young woman whose tripped and fell into the river.

Being the kind soul he is, he doesn't hesitate to jump in and rescue her.

All is well, as he managed to save her from drowning.

Suddenly, the richest man ...

Once you go black, you never go back

I can't believe I used to add milk to coffee

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

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I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life.

I once had a dog with no legs. I named him Cigarette.

Because every night after dinner I would take him to the park for a drag.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

A happy couple was once celebrating their first anniversary...

And during the entire celebration, the husband carried his wife on his back. When a friend asked why he was doing this, the man replied, "I'm a turtle." The friend then asked about his wife, to which he replied, "Oh, her? She's Michelle."

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store

Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store...

As they were busy looking around,
doctor stole 3 chocolate bars...

As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer :
"Man! I'm the best thief ever,
I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that"

En...

I dated a dental assistant once

She had the whitest teeth I’ve ever come across.

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said “Oh different mother or different father?” And I said “Niether, there was a shark attack”

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

I once read a horror story in braile

I could feel something bad was going to happen, but i didnt see it coming.

It happened once...

A little boy once came home with a 10 dollar bill and he said "I found it".

His mother asked "Luke, did you really find it? Are you sure?"

He said "Sure mamma, I even saw the man looking for it"

\- Sadhguru

What do you call a country that was once Marxist and now might turn Marxist once more?

Remarxable

You can shenani-once...

But you can't shenan-again

I walked into a bar once...

I went into a bar once and ordered a drink from the bartender. He puts down the drink and a side of peanuts. I take a sip of the drink and I hear faintly, "Man, you have great hair!" I was a little freaked out by it, because there isn't anyone in the bar besides me and the bartender, but the bartend...

Once you’ve seen one shopping center......

You’ve seen the mall.

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Pringles: "Once you pop, you can't stop."

Why the fuck are they resealable then?

I once dated a girl

She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.

I told her, "No, I am a butcher"

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I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

I once abused someone with a dictionary...

The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault

I once swallowed a whole dictionary.

It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a young man named Done. He was born and raised in the town of Moroccan. Done wasn't very smart, and he was always teased by his peers when he expressed his desire to become a doctor, especially by a disliked and harsh-tempered teacher who would yell at him, "You drive me ...

I once had a stroke

Thank god it was the onlajsbsiabhs

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NSFW I once got my ex's name tattooed on my penis...

Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft.

One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell.

He replied:
"nah bro it ...

I once dated a vampire.

He sucked.

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri..

Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state, crippling depression.

I said, "I'm so sorry."

-

"But you can't count Missouri twice."

Abraham Lincolns wife once said.

"Would it kill you to take me to a show every once in a while!?"

There once was a man

From Cork who got limericks\
And haikus confused

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There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

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I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car...

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

A Nigerian philosopher once said…

“I think, therefore I scam.”

There once was a boy named Nate.

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.

One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down. ...

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How do you piss off thousands of people on the internet all at once?

[deleted]

There was once a pig caretaker.

One man approached the caretaker and asked:

"What do you feed your pigs with?"

"I feed them food remains and trash."

"That's terrible. Your pigs could get sick."

So the caretaker decided to start giving them same food humans eat. The another man came up to him and asked s...

I dated a lawyer once

Makes sense.
She had a reputation for settling

Earth, once was flat

Until they burried joe mama.

(might've been posted earlier, sorry if so)

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

I once dated a girl from Tunisia

Her dad was from Trinidad and Tobago and her mum was from Morocco. Broke up with her in the end though. Too many red flags

My friend really changed onced she decided to be a vegetarian

It's like I've never known herbivore

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There once were two airplane mechanics from New Jersey...

... Who were also drinking buddies.

One night, the mechanics (Rick and Paul) were finishing up their shift and discussing where they should go for a drink afterwards.

"I don't know, man," said Rick. "We've been to every bar in town. The scene's getting old."

"Well," replied Pau...

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

I once met a girl with a tattoo of a conch on her inner thigh

When I put my ear to it I could smell the sea

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

I taught a class on invisibility once

Nobody showed up.

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

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Virgin Mary would like to return to earth once.

God allows it, but only on the condition that she calls heaven every evening. No sooner said than done.
On the first evening, Mary calls Heaven: "This is the Virgin Mary. I saw myself a beautiful skirt. May I buy it?" "Yes, you may. But call back tomorrow night."
The second night, "Here's ...

I slept with a rich girl once.

Got lobsters.

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