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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

"There are Five Cows on a farm"...

One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a ...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

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A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

Three blondes came across some tracks in the woods.

The first blonde looked and said, “I think they’re deer tracks.”

The second blonde said, “nuh-uh, they’re moose tracks!”

The third blonde looked and said, “you’re both wrong, they’re cow tracks!”



They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

Buh, buh ,bible . . .

A man with a stutter answers an ad for "bible salesman wanted". He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! "

The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back f...

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Two Assholes

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back ...

Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.

Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”

The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.

“Wow!” Excla...

Mom, Am I adopted?

Son: Mom, Am I adopted?
Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?

Coin flip

One day, Bob came home from school and proudly told his father, “My teacher taught us about the probability of a coin flip today! A coin will land on heads 50% of the time all the time!”

Bob’s father: That’s... not quite how it works.

Bob: Nuh-uh! My teacher said so!

Bob’s fat...

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My favorite joke. So John owns a hardware store...

...and business is doing well. One day, as he is standing around keeping shop, he hears a booming voice from the heavens: JOHN, SELL YOUR HARDWARE STORE.

John looks around and nobody else is reacting. Nobody else heard it. So he decides to act as if nothing happened, and just hope he is not ...

Two dinosaurs are having a conversation.

The male dinosaur says:

"Mm-hmm."

The female dinosaur responds:

"Nuh-uh."

Years and decades pass and the male dinosaur says again:

"Mm-hmm."

And again the female responds:

"Nuh-uh."

And that is how the dinosaurs went extinct.

If you trust no one today, then today is not a good day to visit a doctor.

Dr: "You're going to need a heart transplant immediately."

Patient: "No, no, no. You're not getting me this time."

Dr: "This is serious! You will die if you don't receive one! Fortunately, we just got one this morning. I'll have my-"

Patient: "Nuh uh. You're not getting me. I do...

In The Woods.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking through the woods one night when they happened upon some tracks.

"I think they're moose tracks!", said the blonde.

"No, they're deer tracks!", said the brunette.

"Nuh uh, these are elk tracks!", chirped the redhead.

......

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The Jamaican Job Interview

Carl really needed a job, but to get the job, he had to be interviewed by one of the most hard-assed foremen in the company:

Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy,"...

Little Johnny...

.... woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter.

"I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be s...

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