UPJOKE
comme d'habitudepaul ankaelvis presleysid viciousgaroufrank sinatrajacques revauxintelsatrat packgabriel byrnemad dog timejulio iglesiasjon bon jovibuddy saltzmansignature song

My Way Jokes

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was lost in a forest, trying to find my way out using a compass.

After 2 hours, I realized I was going in circles.

After 3 hours, I realized I was using the wrong type of compass...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a gun at me, he asked,

"Your money or your life."

I told him, "I am married, I have no money and no life."

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

As a guy with dyslexia, I sometimes get on the wrong public transport on my way to work.

Oops. Wrong bus.

I want it my way

I told my wife she can only get an iPhone, but if she isn't going to get one then I'm just getting her a cheap Android phone. She tried to argue with me, but I wouldn't have it.

I said, "Baby... it's my way or the Huawei."

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

I was on my way to the Christmas event when I realized I had no gift to bring.

Pa rum pum pum pum

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns."

I said, " who, me?"

I was on my way to give a lecture...

I was on my way to give a lecture regarding my recently learning about various topics such as The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon and the Sunk Cost Fallacy when a gorgeous young woman drove up beside me and told me that she'd just turned 21 and wanted to show me a good time. I thought to myself that this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

——-




This is an original!

I took their advice and tried to sleep my way to the top.

But I kept getting fired for showing up late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home.

I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".

I was mad on my way up the stairs.

By the time I got to the third floor my anger was on another level.

I saw a murder on my way home today.

I don’t know what was happening but all of a sudden there were hundreds of crows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my way to work I took a shortcut through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone.

“Morning,” I said.

“No, just taking a shit.”

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

I was out driving on a back road on my way to a friend's house party and suddenly,

I noticed a chicken keeping pace with me beside my car I was going 60 miles an hour and suddenly the chicken spurted out ahead of me.

It looked to me as if the chicken had three legs and then it turned and went down a side road and into a barnyard so I turned down that lane, and drove into th...

So on my way home last night, I saw some deer on the side of the road.

It looked like they were having a drug deal. Must have been looking to make a quick buck.

(I used this joke on my dad and he thinks my wife is pregnant now)

I was stumbling my way back to my airbnb near Anchorage, Alaska at 2 am and got a little lost.

I came to a graveyard and realized where I was staying was just on the other side, so I figured I'd just cut through. As I approached the graveyard I came across 3 young ladys, nicely dressed and in high heels. They were also looking to also cross the graveyard and seemed to have a fun night out the...

I keep sneezing and singing ‘My way’ by Sinatra......

I think I’ve got the crooner virus.

I told my mate i was on my way to a Filipino lesson

He said "Hey i've been wanting to learn a new language, can i tagalog?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my way home from work I ran over a cat

It darted right in front of me and there was no time to react. Within a minute or two a cop pulled me over. He came up to my vehicle and stated he saw what happened with the cat, lived in the same neighborhood, and actually knew the owner of the cat.

In an attempt to prevent some hopeless ef...

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

This morning, everything was coming my way

That's when I realized I had drifted into the wrong lane

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

Dad joking my way out the door.

As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist "I'll be black later" to which she instantly replied with "I'll be white here"... I got to the door before it clicked.

I got hit by a car on my way to my graduation.

The worst part is, I had the right of passage

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield.

It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an amazing ass on my way to work today

I wanted to take her home and play with her all night long, until I saw her dad and realized that she was a mule.

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday...

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday while it was crossing the road, I tried to stop for it but I didn't have enough time, anyway while i was reflecting back on it today I came to a profound realization. I realized the true origins of a joke that has been going over my head for 26 years, ...

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

You know I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket?

I was going up to my parents house doing like 90 mph on this country road and I got pulled over.
This cop, gets out of his car, he kind of swaggers on over and he's like "young lady I've been waiting for you all day"
So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry officer I got here as fast...

On my way to go hunting I saw a sign that said "Bear Left"

so I went home.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.