UPJOKE

On My Way Jokes

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

>!Everybody!<

Edit 1: Wow, this blew up. is this where you post your soundcloud?

Edit 2: My inbox is ruined, I should start charging reddit coins for formatting questions.

Yeterday I found 20$ on the street on my way home. As a good cristian I thought “What would Jesus do”…

… so I turned it into wine.

You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optician?

*Everyone!*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a gun at me, he asked,

"Your money or your life."

I told him, "I am married, I have no money and no life."

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

As a guy with dyslexia, I sometimes get on the wrong public transport on my way to work.

Oops. Wrong bus.

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

I was on my way to the Christmas event when I realized I had no gift to bring.

Pa rum pum pum pum

I was on my way to give a lecture...

I was on my way to give a lecture regarding my recently learning about various topics such as The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon and the Sunk Cost Fallacy when a gorgeous young woman drove up beside me and told me that she'd just turned 21 and wanted to show me a good time. I thought to myself that this ...

On my way to my wedding I got caught in a rain shower and my dress was ruined.

I tried to file a claim with insurance but they said I didn’t have an umbrella policy.

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

So on my way home last night, I saw some deer on the side of the road.

It looked like they were having a drug deal. Must have been looking to make a quick buck.

(I used this joke on my dad and he thinks my wife is pregnant now)

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

——-




This is an original!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

Yesterday I saw a tiger on my way back home.

I was terrified I suddenly started pray. Then looked back at tiger and saw he was also praying. I asked him "Why are you praying?" He replied "I always pray before i eat".

I was mad on my way up the stairs.

By the time I got to the third floor my anger was on another level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my way to work I took a shortcut through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone.

“Morning,” I said.

“No, just taking a shit.”

I saw a murder on my way home today.

I don’t know what was happening but all of a sudden there were hundreds of crows.

On my way for the latest Porsche presentation..

the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight.
I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911".
Best regards from Guantanamo.

I told my mate i was on my way to a Filipino lesson

He said "Hey i've been wanting to learn a new language, can i tagalog?"

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield.

It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an amazing ass on my way to work today

I wanted to take her home and play with her all night long, until I saw her dad and realized that she was a mule.

I almost hit a rabbit on my way home last night.

Missed him by a hare.

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday...

So, I hit a rooster on my way to work yesterday while it was crossing the road, I tried to stop for it but I didn't have enough time, anyway while i was reflecting back on it today I came to a profound realization. I realized the true origins of a joke that has been going over my head for 26 years, ...

I get hit by the same bike every morning on my way to work.

It's a vicious cycle.

The airline food made me sick on my way to Germany...

it was the wurst

On my way to go hunting I saw a sign that said "Bear Left"

so I went home.

It was really foggy on my way home today

Looked quite misterious

I was just on my way to a fancy dress party in my counterfeit money costume, when someone came along and ruined my plans.



I got held up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my way home from work, my asian girlfriend said she wanted to have sex with me so badly, but I was super hungry and in the mood for pho...

...it was a Nguyen Nguyen situation

I was on my way to work the other day and i passed a busker playing 'Dancing Queen' on the didgeridoo.

I thought to myself 'thats Abbariginal'...

I saw my pothead friend on my way to work, and you know how he greeted me?

High.

A truck full of toupees tipped over on my way to work this morning.

This police are still combing the area.

I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist

Turns out I bombed the test

I was walking by a mental institution on my way to work

And in the yard behind the fence, I heard people shouting "four, four, four...". I was curious so I peeked through the wood planks to see what was happening. Someone jabbed a stick in my eye and then everyone started shouting "five, five, five...".

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work,do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with stoney silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.

I’m an organ donor and the other day I was on my way to donate blood.

But I had to stop when the police started asking me about where the heck did I get a bucketful of blood.

A few weeks ago I hit a pig on my way home from work...

It was dark. I live in a rural part of the south and my drive home takes me down some country backroads.

I wasn't going very fast but when I hit it it flew down the road a few yards. I went to check on it amd it got up and ran away. Today I got the veterinarian bill from the pigs owner. I we...

On my way home yesterday, I saw a guy with interesting hair dressed up as a Greek god.

He said his name was “Afro-dite”.

I got a flat tire on my way home from the grocery store

At least I have asparagus

Was on my way to the club when my wife told me pick up the kid at the shore

Son on the beach

I was just on my way down to the beach, and my wife asked me if I'd seen her flip-flops.

I hate it when she goes topless.

On my way home from work today I was listening to Placebo..

I thought I was listening to something else, but obviously I was the control group.

I was just on my way home from work, when I got stuck behind a tractor...

The driver was shouting out of the window at passers by, "The world is going to end! The world is going to end! The end is nigh!"

It was Farmer Geddon...

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...

"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "

"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

Saw a "Don't Text and Drive" sign on my way into work today.

Good thing I took a second to look up from my phone, otherwise I may have missed it.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

This morning on my way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and drove into the back of a car at some traffic light.

The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, “I’m not happy”
So I said, “Well which one are you then?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over.

The cop says to the man:

\- Do you know that you were speeding, sir?
\- No officer, I didn't know I was speeding...

The wife then says:

\- Come on, Henry, you knew you were speeding, I've been telling you to slow down for miles.

The man shoots a dark look at his wife...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

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