My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

A friend of mine thanked me for introducing him to minimalism

I told him it's the least I could do

My sister graduated med school and is growing antsy at her minimal workload

She just needs to have patients.

Man 1: Thanks for introducing me to minimalism

Man 2: No problem! It's the least I could do

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

Minimalism...

It's the least you can do.

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

I've been learning keyboard shortcuts

I have decided to start learning and using keyboard shortcuts, they are really convenient and can actually save you quite a bit of time.

For example:

The Windows key + D will minimize everything and go to your desktop

Alt Tab will switch between applications

Alt Right wi...

Why is the army so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

I asked my dad, "why does the military use uniforms?"

He replied, " To minimize casual tees'

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

Berlin's Hottest Nightclub

A hot new nightclub, Integers, opened up in Berlin. The club's
advertising referenced the "infinite" amount of space on the inside, and its excellent location downtown. The walls were sleek and black, with purple house lights and an immaculate sound system. Drinks were all priced at whole dollar...

A man is driving down a country road

A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the hors...

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Three men are in a public restroom

The first man, from Harvard, finishes his business at the urinal and walks to the sink. He uses plenty of soap and hot water and announces to the room, "At Harvard, they teach us that cleanliness is next to godliness."

The second man finishes and moves to the sink. He uses minimal soap and wa...

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Grandpa goes to the medical store

An old grandpa goes to a medical store/chemist and druggist and asks the boy at the counter for 5mg Viagra.

The counter boy says, "_Pops, at your age it would take 50mg of dosage to get your thing up to functioning hardness_."

Grandpa replied, "_Oh no son, I don't need to perform in be...

Worst/Best joke I've heard.

An alien is flying over the earth in his spaceship when it suddenly starts to lose control and crashes on Earth. The alien survives the crash with minimal injuries and gets to work repairing his ship.

After a few days of work he completes everything only to find the gormack has been damaged a...

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A robber breaks into a bank.

He points his gun at the lady at the desk and says “Open the vault bitch” The woman says “Sir this is a sperm a bank, there’s no money here” The robber says “ Open the fucking vault or I’ll blow your head off now” The woman opens the vault and turns back to the robber, who tells her to take a jar ou...

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Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

[long] A tourist goes to see the bullfight in Spain

After the matador disposed of the bull and the fight was over, he started to feel quite peckish. He spied a restaurant with a sign "BULLFIGHT SPECIAL" he was seated, and asked his waiter about the special and if it was an authentic Spanish dish or for tourists, to which the waiter responded, it's am...

My dog can speak English.

My dog can speak English.
When I ask him how his day was, he says "rough!"
When I ask him what sandpaper feels like he says "rough!"
When I ask him where my golf ball went he says "rough!"
And when I ask him how aggressively he likes to play he says "I prefer to minimize the chance o...

TIFU by rear ending a car over the holiday weekend

In most states, it's against the law to text and drive and sure enough I was trying to do one of those quick replies to a text I just received by holding the phone down and out of sight.

As fate would have it, the car in front of me stopped short and given I was looking down for that brief ...

A lady goes to the doctor..

And the doctor prescribes testosterone. The lady was like, "Testosterone? That's a male hormone. Won't there be side effects?"

The doctor assures her that for her condition it's the right drug and the side effects will be minimal.

So she says okay, goes home and starts taking it. A fe...

A man ends up in prison and makes friends with his cellmate.

After a couple months of being harassed and bothered as it par for the course in a minimal security prison, he's sitting in his cell with his cell mate. From a floor down he hears someone yell, "NUMBER 37." Everyone within earshot is dying of laughter. His cellmate yelled out, "NUMBER 52!!" Everyone...

Police baffed by grave robber

Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.

Turns out that ...

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A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

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I was looking for a subtle way to describe my penis...

...and then I went to /r/minimalism...

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