UPJOKE
henry john heinzpittsburghpennsylvaniawalmartkarl3g capitalludwighennessynasaburger kingbernardo heesketchupindustrialistore-idahomophobia

Heinz Jokes

You should see the nasty rejection letter I got from Heinz regarding my suggestion of a new condiment mixing relish and mustard…

It might have been the name though…

I got fired from the top secret Heinz factory the other day...

I spilled the beans.

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes

But thats Heinz sight.

Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger

In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup

Shortage of Heinz ketchup packets...

... now secretly caused by usage for hemorrhoids. The company will now market "A" Heinz for restaurants and "B" Heinz for hemorrhoids.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

Heinz have altered one of their spicier sauces.

It's a remustard version.

The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going up?

An old woman gets on an elevator in a very lavish and posh 30 story building, when a young and beautiful woman also gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance by Ralph Lauren, $120 a bottle.”

Then another young and be...

Why do they call it Heinz field?

Because the Steelers can’t seem to ketchup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doggy birth control

An old woman has two dachsunds, one male and one female. A friend asks her how she stops them breeding when the female comes into heat?
"I just put Trudi upstairs, while I keep Heinz on the main floor," the owner explains.
Puzzled, the friend asks how that helps?
The old girl replies, "Have...

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of ...

I decided to eat my baked beans through my nose.

In Heinz sight, it was a terrible decision.

How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?

It uses Heinz sight.

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

To save money I made myself a pair of glasses out of 2 old ketchup bottles.

In Heinz-sight I should have just bought a proper pair

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

I used to bathe in tomato ketchup

In heinz-site, it wasn't the best idea

Do you know why the ketchup industry is thriving in Germany this year?

Heinz' zeit is 2020

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

Did you hear about the new brand of glasses coming out this year that are made entirely from recycled ketchup bottles?

Heinz-Sight 2020

Hindsight is 20/20

But Heinzsight is tomato/tamato

looking back, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online...

Heinz site's a wonderful thing

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to run beans in my eyes

But that's the benefit of Heinz-sight

I used to can beans for a living,

In Heinz sight it wasn't a bad job.

Why is it easy to tell when you use the wrong sauce?

Heinz sight is 20 20

What do you call a can of beans in retrospect

Heinz-sight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's Crossword

The queen had just completed the annual knighting ceremony. She had picked Claire Heinz, the scientist who's work was considered unethical by most, but she respected her anyways. An angry mob had already formed and was attempting to barge into the Buckingham palace.

This was nothing new. T...

It is really sad what is happening to the local businesses around our town.

The bra manufacturer has gone bust;
the specialist in submersibles has gone under;
the manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation;
a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers;
the suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded;
the Heinz factory has be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.