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Handjob Jokes

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck.

Did you hear about the man who won the World Handjob Championships?

It was close, but he managed to beat off some stiff competition

Handjobs are like Pepsi.

Never your first choice but you'll take it anyway.

Not everyone gets a Handjob from their Barber

But not everyone cuts their own hair either.

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What does a cow call a handjob?

A beef jerkie

The best part about being quarantined are the handjobs.

The worst part is being alone.

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:

"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:

"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The F...

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Handjob

My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came three times trying to wash that shit off.

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New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
...

A handjob's a good trick

If you can pull it off.

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Got a handjob from a blind girl last night

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."

I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

I told my girlfriend she was bad at handjobs

I guess that rubbed her the wrong way.

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My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex

I : handjob definitely .

She(*surprised*) : why is that?

I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush

I asked my wife for a handjob

She said “okay there are some dishes you can wash”

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Why does M&Ms prefer blowjobs over handjobs?

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand

My wife doesn't like the term "handjob",

so, I just call it Mis-handling!

I got a handjob by a Clown once.

It really tickled my funnybone

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[Long] A beautiful prostitute

A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for...

Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

Girls with parkinsons must really love giving handjobs

They just can’t stop

I got a handjob from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...

Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.

HandJob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the g...

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this prostitute gives the best handjobs in town... (NSFW)

and this guy hears about her and goes to her asking "so you really give the best hanjobs in town?" the girl goes "see that mcdonalds? i've used the money i got from giving handjobs to buy that mcdonalds" so the guy is convinced and asks for a handjob, gives her 50 bucks, and it's the best handjob he...

My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna.

I got a heat stroke.

If two soldiers give each other handjobs...

Is it a Tug of War?

What do you call a handjob in the desert?

A Dry Rub

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Handjobs £10

Edit: formatting


An Irishman walks into a cafe. He reads a menu that's says:

Cheese roll 10p

Ham roll 20p

Handjobs £10

He notices a beautiful blonde who works there with an amazing body and big tits, so asks her, "Are you the one that gives out the handjobs?"...

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I like to go around to construction sites and give out handjobs.

A Jack off all trades.

What do you get when the Sun gives you a handjob?

Heatstroke!

My girlfriend gives the best handjobs

In fact, she won the Pullitsurprise.

What do you call a supervillain that kills people with handjobs?

Death Stroke

Why are sloths so good at giving handjobs?

They aren't in a hurry.

What do you call a German handjob?

A guten tug!

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Handjob $5

A man walks into a restaurant, and begins reading the menu handed to him by this hot blonde waitress with great looking tits.

* Nachos $4
* Hamburger $3
* Hotdog $2
* Grilled Chicken Sandwich $3
* Grilled Cheese $2
* Fries, Onion Rings, and Tater Tots $1.50
* Handjob $5
<...

Some people like fast handjobs. I prefer slow.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

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It's always good to know at least one handjob joke...

...they can really cum in handy.

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While driving I saw a guy on the side of the road with a sign that read "HANDJOB - $15+"

The + got me curious so I stopped. He tells me $15 gets you a dry handjob, $20 adds lube, $25 adds ball play and $30 adds a finger in the butt.

I went home and told my wife all about the handjob guy. I suggested that she could at least once a year, for my birthday, give me the $30 handjob spe...

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Handjob or a sandwich?

A traveller was walking through the streets of Chiang Rai, Thailand. He saw a sign that said:

$10 - Sandwich
$12 - Handjob

He walked in and saw this stunning blonde woman with a Norwegian flag tattooed on her arm. He called her over and said "Are you the one who gives the handjob...

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

How can a girl make a handjob better?

Use her mouth

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Handjobs and blowjobs

Handjobs from girls that speak sign language count as blowjobs.

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Ancient Chinese conundrum; if you're blind and get a handjob from a man, ...

... is he gay?

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I went to a prostitute and asked what her rate was for handjobs

She told me about ten strokes per second

I think it Hertz

What do you call an award given for an unexpected handjob?

A Pull-it Surprise.

I knew this chick who would give handjobs to anyone, regardless of their profession.

Jacks off all trades.

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My wife promised me a blowjob, but only ended up giving me a handjob.

It was a master bate and switch.

I'm worried about my friend. He was bragging about getting a handjob from his teacher.

I said, "That's disgusting, you're homeschooled."

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Did you hear about the prostitute that gave a handjob to a guy with leprosy?

When she was done he said "thanks, keep the tip"

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After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

I told my girlfriend to give me the worst handjob ever.

I was surprised she could pull it off.

Today at work, at my desk, my boss offered me a handjob...

It's okay though, I'm self employed.

Got a good handjob in a vegetative state.

Cream of the crop.

Special olympics and a handjob is very similar.

You really appreciate the effort, but you know you could do better.

The big bed...

Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,

"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enoug...

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My girlfriend gave me a handjob yesterday...

and told me "My God, your penis is huge!" I replied, "You're pulling my leg!"

My girlfriend asked for instructions on how to give a good handjob. So I told her:

1. Put it in your mouth.

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What did they call the man who gave a handjob to an electrician, a plumber, a welder, and a construction worker?

A Jack Off All Trades

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How do you ask a Silicon Valley prostitute for a handjob?

Submit a pull request.

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I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.

He told me to give her a handjob.

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I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

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Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

My son was kicked out of elementary school for getting a handjob from a girl in his class

So i told him: "Son, this is the third time this year, if you don't straighten out, you will lose your teacher license!"

So, my boyfriend said my handjobs weren't very good

I beat him into submission.

I don't get *really* mad when a girl can't give a proper handjob...

It just rubs me the wrong way.

What did the frog say to his girlfriend while she was giving him a handjob?

Rubbit, Rubbit!

A couple in an old people’s home we’re having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob.

Margaret said to Egbert ‘What does Dorothy have that I don’t?
Egbert replied ‘Parkinsons’.

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a man was in his car when he spotted a prostitute, he asked her the cost of a handjob, she replied, "10$, wanna get one?"

He said, "Nah, I just wanted to know how much I save if I do it myself."

Do you want to know the secret to getting the best handjob you've ever had?

Get them to use their mouth.

Reddit, what's your best/favorite "A _______ walks into a bar..." joke?

One of my favorites is:

A guy walks into a bar. Above the bar there's a sign that says "Cheese Sandwich $2.00, Handjobs $10.00. The guy asks the lady behind the bar, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?" She says, "Yes I am." So the guy says, "Then wash your hands and fix me a c...

What did the clock say to the other clock after she gave him a handjob?

now give me a second hand job

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The little mermaid asked the prince: “what so you like more-handjob, or vaginal sex?” to which the prince replied:

“Darling it’s better

Down where it’s wetter

Take it from me”

What's the worst thing Willie Nelson can tell you while giving you a handjob?

I'm not Willie Nelson

My grandmother has had 3 strokes this year…

At this rate she’ll never finish this handjob.

$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 Handjobs

A man leaves work one Friday and passes a bar with a sign outside that reads "$1 Beers $3 PB&J's $4 Handjobs

He walks in and sits at the bar. A beautiful woman in her mid 20's comes over and asks what he would like. The man orders a beer. She asks if he'd like anything else. The man repli...

My buddy told me this hilarious joke earlier about Albert Einstein getting a handjob...

What a stroke of genius!

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NSFW A wealthy businessman goes to Vegas and orders a prostitute.

Moments later, he hears a knock on his hotel door, he answers, and in walks the most beautiful prostitute he has ever seen.

"Hi Honey, my name is Amber and I am here to service you" she says. "My only stipulation is that I do not do anal. Now, what would you like me to do first?"

"Ho...

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

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Did you hear about the girl who gave out handjobs to electricians, plumbers, mechanic, you name it?

She was a right Jack off all trades.

3 men go on a trip.....

They decided to just book just 1 room with 1 bed to save money.

After the first night, the man who slept on the right said, "I dreamed I was getting a handjob last night."

The man on the left said, " I dreamed about getting a handjob too! What a coincidence! "

The man in the ...

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This guy goes to Vegas

The first night he meets this gorgeous hooker
And asks “how much for a handjob?”

$250 - wow that’s too much … The hooker says see that small shopping mall across the street ? I own it…
The guy was impressed and agreed and she gives him the best handjob he’s ever had…

The next nig...

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

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A guy walks into a bar...

Bartender: What can I get you?

Guy: I'd like something to eat. What have you got to offer?

Bartender: Well, cheese sandwiches are $1.50, chicken sandwiches are $3.50... or handjobs are $20 <wink>

Guy: Do you give the handjobs, pretty lady?

Bartender: I sure do, sir....

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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, sh...

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

My Grandfather went down in history…

He also allegedly got a handjob in geography.

A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road...

to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads:

* Tuna Sandwich $8
* Beef Sandwich $9
* Turkey Sandwich $8.5
* Handjob $5

After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are y...

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