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What goes Ha Ha Plop Plop?

A lepper laughing his balls off.

I bought a cake that had "ha ha" written on it

It tasted funny

Something went wrong .. ha ha

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

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A Hippie sits next to a young Nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her

The Nun, very upset, say,s"NO! I am married to God" and gets off the bus disgusted

The bus driver sees all this. He tells the Hippie, "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the graveyard... why don't you tell her you are God and demand sex?"

The Hippie tries this and to his surp...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

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So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; ‟meh, we'll build a...

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The robot that knew everything

Scientist were finally able to invent a robot which could answer any question.

His friends told him about this robot and so he decided to test it because he believed that such a robot could not possibly be created.

So he went to the the robot , press the button. The robot turned activ...

A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing over whose career is the best.

"I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon.

"What makes you say that?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve."

"You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created ...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

This is not a political joke.

Ha ha, you took "de" bate.

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

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A man and a priest go fishing

A man and a priest are out fishing on a boat when the man hooks a large fish. After fighting this fish for several minutes, he pulls it into the boat and joyously exclaims, "Look at that son-of-a-bitch!!!"

The priest replies, "My goodness, what language."

The man thinks quickly, "Ha ha...

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

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Guy: I would tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long.

Girl: Ha HA... well I would tell you a joke about my pussy but you wouldn't get it.

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

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"What is the opposite of Laughing?", The teacher asks the student.

Student replies, "Fucking."

The stunned teacher asks the student to explain his answer.

The student says " Laughing is ha ha ha; Whereas, Fucking is ah ah ah"!!!

What shakes on the ocean floor?

A nervous wreck!

Ha ha, I’m shore that you sea what I did there.

What do cats eat on hot summer days?

A mice-cream cone!
Ha, ha ha

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck! Ha ha!

Where does a comedian study?

Ha ha ha ha haha ha-Harvard

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!"

"Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

If you like pee jokes, urine luck

Ha ha

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

He's got a point

Beer Bottle : You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror : You kidding me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom : Ha ha ha... (Walks off laughing)

Idiot pilots - an old one if you haven't heard it . . .

Two idiot pilots are coming-in for a landing.

"Give me 10% flaps," the pilot says.

"Okay, 20% now."

"And, 30%."

"Hey it looks like we're coming in pretty fast," the co-pilot says.

"Yeah, give me 40% flaps."

"Better make that 50%."

"Whoa, this isn't go...

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Opposite word for 'laugh' is 'sex'.

Laugh is 'ha ha ha'.

Sex is 'ah ah ah'.

At a recruitment interview

“Can you work overtime for this company without overtime claim?”

“I can work for this company without any pay”

“Ha ha you must be joking.”

“Well you started first.”

Someone: YOLO

Jesus: Ha ha loser

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, “Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had...

There was a big controversy over my craft beer joke

It was a real brew ha ha

One day, I went to a cafe.

The cafe was full with couples, no seat available for me. But, I was determined to get a seat there. What did I do?

I took my mobile and made a fake call (actually no call at all) and start talking, "Hey dude! Do you have your girlfriend with you?"

I noticed that few of the girls were ...

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I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He...

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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun.....

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If ...

How do you circumcise a whale?

4 skin divers.
Told to me by my neighbor many years ago, ha ha.

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Opposite of laughter

A teacher asked a student "What's the opposite of laughter?"

Student replied: "sex"

Teacher stood shocked for few seconds, then asked: "what made you think that's the answer?"

Student: "When you laugh you say *ha ha ha*, and when you have sex you say *ah ah ah*".

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Lie Detector

A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school

*(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)*

Okay, okay, I went to the movies!

Dad: Which...

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