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Grammatic Jokes

How to use “and” 5 times in a row grammatically

A man owned a store called “This And That” and hired another man to make a sign for it.

When it was finished the owner inspected the work.

He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said, “The space between This and And and And and That is different. Please fix it”

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A grammatical joke

Two nuns are driving down the road when suddenly a vampire jumps out and onto their hood.

One of the nuns yells at the other, "Sister Mary! Show him your cross!"

She jumps out of the car and screams at the vampire, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY HOOD!"

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

When journalists quote you, they have a subtle but unmistakable way to call out your grammatical errors.

It's a [sic] burn.

I used to have a problem with grammatical tenses.

But not yet.

You can say “was” five times in a row and have it still be grammatically correct.

Before was was was, was was is.

Men should thank God for His grammatical errors when creating us

He forgot a period.



(Edit: Woo original content!)

How to use "had" 9 times in a row grammatically

Suzy was writing a paper and asked John to edit it, which he did. In one section, John, where Suzy had had "had", had "had had"; "had had" had a much nicer sound to it.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?

An horse.

A new study has found that Donald Trump supporters make the most grammatical errors.

They tried to find Hillary supporters errors as well, but they got deleted.

What do you call a grammatical rendezvous?

accommadate




I hate me for this..

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with ...

How many Redditor's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, the light bulb never gets changed. You were all too busy fixing my grammatical mistake.

What do you call an amputee trying to do karate?

Partial Arts.

Edit: It's been pointed out that the grammatical construction of this joke could have been better. How about: "What is it called when an amputee does karate? Partial Arts.

Edit edit: best follow up question: What's an amputee's favourite karate weapon? Nub chucks.

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I women was cheating on her husband , look how he discovered .

A husband was sitting in a public place with his friend whose name was Jack , they were chatting and a girl came to Jack and start kissing him and telling him that she messed him and such kind of these stuff and it goes like that with almost every girl that walked by .
The husband was suprised " ...

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A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

Two ways (russian anecdote)

Son comes to his dad and asks if he should get married or join the army. Dad says “Son, if you’ll get married, you’re toast, but if you’ll join the army, there gonna be two ways for you. You’ll return either alive or dead. If alive, you’re toast, but if dead, there gonna be two ways for you. You’ll ...

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

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How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi


Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

5 And’s

Not really a joke, more like general humor

A teacher asks her class how many times they can use the same word in a row, in a grammatically correct sentence.

Jimmy says he can use the word “and” 5 times. So the gauntlet was thrown down

He tells the story - there was a painter hi...

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

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Why do japanese people love algebra?

Because they love their Sin Pi

I will see myself out the door.

Three men were in a cafe, talking about their dogs..

First man says: "My dog is so smart if I give some some money he can go the nearest supermarket and buy me some drink.

Second man says: "My dog is so smart that if I give him money, he will buy whatever I want from him and he will return with the change and the receipt.

Both the firs...

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Son comes to dad and asks

Dad what is diference between potencionaly and realy. Dad says to ask his sister mother and brother if they would sleep with Leonardo di Caprio for milion of dolars.
Son comes back and dad asks him what they said.
Son says: "Sister said she would sleep with him even for free mother that yes an...

A man walks through the Central Park in New York City

Suddenly he sees a dog attacking a small girl. He runs towards them, starts a fight with the dog and finally kills it. So he saves the life of the girl.

A policeman was watching them, walks to the man and says:

You are a hero! Tomorrow in the new York Times the first headline will be: ...

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I really need to watch my language...

You know what they say, swearing is the grammatical crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.

a man goes to the doctor

and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor sa...

Justice

The word of the day is "just."

"Just" is a fun word, because it can mean both "absolutely" and "barely."

Examples:

That's just fantastic.
-and-
That's just enough.

"Just" may also be used to regard something as fair or deserved.

The judgement was just.
-an...

A salesman position

(English is not my mother language so ignore any grammatical mistakes) :)

A guy is interviewed for a salesman position, the interviewer asks the guy to take his laptop saying "let's see if you can convince me to buy this laptop, I want you to walk in again thinking of me as a customer."...

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All of the organs of the body ...

All of the organs of the body got together to decide who should be their leader. The brain made it's argument first: "I am the center of consciousness and all thought. Clearly, I'm best suited for the job." Then the heart spoke up: "Regardless of how brilliant the thought or idea may be, without hea...

A teacher asks two students a grammar problem.

The teacher asks the students, James and John, whether in the sentence, "A man ___ a cold.", "had" or "had had" was grammatically correct. James, while John had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.

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A boy was playing outside of a church

He was poking a small anthill with a sharp stick and every time he missed an ant he would curse:

-Shit, I missed!
-Fuck, I missed!
-Damn, I missed!

The priest overheard him and gave him a lecture about not cursing in the house of the lord, yet the boy continued:

-Shit, I m...

Time for a good old Soviet era joke

(should be read in a heavy Russian accent, any grammatical errors are here to enhance the joke)

Old granny working for years already in factory who make Samovar. But old granny only is normal worker not member of nomenclatura so never earn enough money to also buy Samovar herself. Old granny ...

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A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

So this businessman gets in trouble

This businessman gets in trouble at the airport when he sees that he cannot carry a hair straightener that he bought for his wife with him because it isn't allowed on the plane. So he thinks of a solution. He sees that a priest is standing behind him.
Turning to him he says, "Father please take ...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...

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