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Good Evening Jokes

Good Evening and thank you for flying with us.

If you look out the left side, the engine there is on fire. If you look out the right side, the engine there has fallen off. If you look out the window straight down, you would see a speck on the ocean. That's the copilot and I on a raft. This is a recorded message. Have a safe flight.

Steven: Good evening.

Stephen: Good ephening.


^^^bye

Every evening news start with "Good evening"

And then they tell you why it's not.

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Good evening bitches and bastards" NSFW

Little John Tidswallow often heard his parents arguing with each other in the lead up to Thanksgiving. 'Bitch!' his father would say, 'Bastard' was the reply from his mother. "What does bitch and bastard mean?" John asked his parents.
Bitch just means a woman, John. And bastard is another word f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The couple was watching television at night.

The husband says, "Can I know why you've been sulking since I arrived?" And, angrily, the wife responds, "Today we celebrate 25 years of marriage, and here we are, standing in front of this television."

"MY GOD! I was so busy that I completely forgot! Forgive me, my dear. Go put on your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin wakes up one morning and walks onto his balcony to see the sun rise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" he says.

"And a very good morning to you, Comrade Stalin" the sun replies.

Later in the day, as Stalin is heading to NKVD headquarters to meet with Beria he says, "Good afternoon, Comrade Sun"

"And a very good afternoon to you, Comrade Stalin" the Sun...

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

A racist, a liar and a misogynist walks into a bar

The bartender greeted “Good evening, Mr. President!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping woke up one morning...

Xi Jinping woke up one morning and went to his balcony, where the Sun was rising in the east. The Sun greeted him: “Good morning, comrade Xi!” the Sun said, “I hope you slept well.”

Xi was extremely pleased with himself that the Sun spoke to HIM. After his meetings, at noon, Xi went for a w...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

A server walks up to a table of Karens and asks...

Good evening ladies. Is anything alright tonight?

Paddy and Molly have been at the bar all evening…

…and they decide it’s time to go home. So they get in the auto and start the drive home.

After a few miles, Paddy notices the garda’s lights flashing in his mirrors, and he pulls over. The warden walks up as Paddy rolls his window down, and the warden says, “Good evening, Paddy. Have ya ha...

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