A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"
The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...
What does a Russian FSB agent say when he found a Oligarch shot 13 times?
Worst case of suicide I've ever seen
A Russian citizen went into FSB headquarters and reported he'd lost his parrot.
The FSB agent says "what are you bothering us for... why don't you report it to the local police?"
The guy says "I just want YOU to know that I don't agree with A WORD of what my parrot has to say about Putin..."
A Russian boy sees his father being arrested by the FSB and asks, “Papa, why are you being taken to the Gulag?”
The father replies, “I don’t know son, I’m not interested in politics.”
The russian general secretary, Leonid Brezhnev, calls in the head of the FSB, Sergey Beseda.
Leonid says "How many Ukrainian born citizens do we have in the russian federation?" Sergey says "About 5 million." Leonid says "How many do you think would leave if allowed to?" Sergey says "About 50 million."
MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest
MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.
CIA ro...
Putin and Obama meet in Moscow
They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.
Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.
Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.
Obama: I don'...
A Russian meets his friend. He says, "Dima, my friend, you look so grim, what's the matter?"
"You see, Petya, every night my wife keeps having dreams where she's seeing Putin" says Dima.
"So?" says Petya.
Dima replies, "Yesterday I yelled at her and told her to stop seeing him."
"What happened next?" probes Petya.
And Dima replies, "Last night, I had a dream wher...
A phone rings - Hi, this is NSA.
Hi, yeah I know.
You do? How?
Well you are calling a phone that has no SIM card or battery in it.
^((Translated from Russian, I don't think much is lost by replacing FSB))
Putin gets interviewed about the sinking of the Moskva
Vladimir Putin:] It’s a great pleasure, thank you.
[Interviewer:] This ship that was involved in the incident off Crimea this week…
[Vladimir Putin:] Yeah, the one the magazine detonated?
[Interviewer:] Yeah
[Vladimir Putin:] That’s not very typical, I’d like to make that...
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