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Flattered Jokes

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

One morning Snow White said to her prince, "I haven't visited the seven dwarves in ages. I think I'll visit them for a week."

The next day, Snow white came back to the castle in a huff.

"Why are you back so early?" asked the prince.

"Grumpy harassed me," replied Snow White.

"What happened?"

"Well, as soon as I entered the cottage, he told me my hair smelled nice."

"That doesn't sound like...

I showed my Mexican friends I know a little Spanish by saying "mucho" and they seemed really flattered

...they said it meant a lot to them.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

I was constantly praised and flattered by a colony of ants....

It turns out that they were sycophants!

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

An Old Lady buying Boots for a Texan

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, *“Sure is, little lady. W...

I was asked to run today's London marathon.

I said I'm flattered but I don't believe I could organise such a big event.

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

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A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

A man at a fancy restaurant noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table.

Suddenly she sneezed, causing her glass eye to pop out and fly toward him. The man caught it mid-air.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in. "Let me buy you dinner."

After charming dinner conversation, the woman offered to drive the man home.

The man was...

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A man moves out to far west Texas

A man moves out to far west Texas. He is busy at unloading his furniture from the truck he’d rented when he sees a cloud of dust faint on the horizon. After a couple more trips inside it has grown larger, and after about an hour he sees a battered and dusty pickup finally turning up his road, and sp...

Women are evil...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident and it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. You're a hand...

A minister was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish.

An elderly woman of the congregation paid him the compliment of suggesting that his successor would not be as good as he had been.

“Nonsense,” he replied, flattered.

“No, really,” she insisted. *“I’ve lived here under six different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the la...

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, ...

I walked in on my wife singing the other day.

Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio."

Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?"

"No," I replied, "I came to turn it off."

A woman approached me at the swimming pool.

She said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts.

I was very flattered.

So I looked down at my crotch, and she said, "The other side."

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A coach known for disagreeing with the referee’s decisions approached the referee after a match and said:

“That was a great match!”
“Oh, really?” the referee replied with a smile, clearly flattered.
“Yes! I wish you had seen it!”

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A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany

When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

Hannah and Max are talking during recess...

Max finds Hannah really pretty. Thinking he's old enough for a girlfriend, he decides to try to flirt with Hannah.

"I just remembered, I had a dream about you last night!", Max did not, in fact, have a dream about Hannah last night.

"Oh, really? Was it a nice dream?", says Hannah, clea...

If some poor people are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires...

Does that mean some rich people are temporarily flattered homeless bums?

You are a nice curve, a beautiful curve, the best curve.

Cool, I've just flattered the curve.

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'You remind me of a stallion,' said my wife.

'Big cock?' I said, smiling, rather flattered.



'No, you leave your shit everywhere,' she replied.

Everyone keeps wishing a Happy Father's Day to "The Best Dad in the World."

I'm flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a Happy Fathers Day as well.

Sell books

A well-known writer is going to visit the bookstore. The bookstore owner was flattered and quickly removed all the books and replaced them with the authors' books. After the writer came to the bookstore, he was very happy and asked, "Does your store only sell my books?"

"Of course not." The b...

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

What did the pancake say to the complimentary muffin?

I'm flattered!

My new girlfriend has been telling people about me.

I'm flattered, but she could at least have kept us a secret from the police.

A lady walks into a bar

She takes a seat and tells the bartender that she's usually a mixed drink kind of lady, but tonight she'd like a beer and needs a little help choosing one.

The bartender asks: "Light or dark?"

"Light."

Then he asks "Imported or domestic?"

"Domestic!"
...

Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car?

He was flattered.

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I guy I knew about 10 years ago was really into older women (NSFL)

And when I say older, I'm talking about your grandmother.



He met this one lady who was obviously flattered by the attention. They talked for a while, laughing and exchanging stories about each other, they were really hitting it off.



Then he suggested going back to her p...

I've been told I look like someone from a popular TV show.

Feeling flattered I asked which show?

"To Catch a Predator"

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This woman said that I reminded her of Brad Pitt.

I was flattered, until she mentioned it was when he played Benjamin Button.

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

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As I was leaving the club last night . . .

. . . A male stripper suggestively swiveled his banana hammock in my direction.

I'm flattered, but it was still kind of a dick move.

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu...

Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now."

The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn j...

A man goes to a Chinese restaurant

After the meal he open his fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your charm and wit make admirers of many."

Although flattered, the man feels disappointed because he was expecting his fortune told. He pulls the waiter aside and asks for another fortune cookie. Inside it reads:

"Your...

My son came home from school in tears and told me that his girlfriend had slept with his best friend.

I was flattered, I never knew I was his best friend.

Anesthesia

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband w...

A 50 year old postman is finally retiring

As he goes down his route one less time everyone showers him with gifts. A watch, a new wallet, money, a farewell card from one of children. All is well, until he comes upon his last house. When he knocks a beautiful woman, scantily clad is at the door. She pulls him in and they make love in her bed...

I got athlete's foot...

I don't even work out, so I was flattered.

How Wonderful

Did you hear the story of the man that had the great honor of being crushed by a steam roller?

He was flattered

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A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening......

A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
Totally flattered, he replied, "No, dear they haven't."
At that point she yelled, "Then wha...

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This woman was standing in line...

....at the grocery store check out. She noticed the man behind her staring intently at the groceries in her cart. He would stare at the groceries, at her, and then back at the groceries.

Finally, he tapped her on the shoulder and asked, "Excuse me, but are you single?"

Flattered, she...

I translated this joke from Arabic

An engineer school graduate opened a clinic. If he were able to solve the patient's problem he would charge £1000. However, if he couldn't treat the patient he would give them £5000.

The engineer was soon making more money than the real doctor's clinic nearby. The doctor was confused and deci...

Bar peanuts...

A man sits down at a bar. A basket of peanuts is nearby and tells him, "Hey man, you're looking great tonight!"

The man says, "Thanks, peanuts!"

The peanuts reply, "Also, I really love your outfit!"

The man responds, "Thanks, so nice of you"

The peanuts tell him, "You are...

An entomologist..

Recently, a world renowned entomologist was invited by the Queen of England to a gala in honor of the top minds in science. As this was an extremely formal event, the dress code was (obviously) "white tie." The entomologist was flattered beyond belief, and, in attempt to look his absolute best, he w...

The dying preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preach...

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A man was on a business trip to Japan

On his first evening there he met a nice lady, one thing let to another and they ended up in his bed. During sex she kept screaming 'Hai To, Hai To' - the man was flattered, because he thought she was complimenting him.

The next day he was playing golf with his japanese business partners, one...

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45 year old charming guy

Having recently turned 45, I thought I had lost all the appeal and charm I used to have with the ladies, until today that is. At my local gas station, the pretty young girl who has served me every other day or so for several weeks asked for my number. I was taken aback. I explained how I was flatter...

[NSFW] Stan had a short father and a tall mother.

As child, he was always worried that he'd be short. So when he hit his growth spurt and became quite tall, he was very happy. Every time he would see a family member they would say *"Look how tall you are, you must get it from your mom!"*

With his considerably large stature came his considera...

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A woman goes to a pet shop.

She's looking for a present for her husband. Unfortunately, she's on a budget, but the clerk has an idea:
"For $ 20, I can give you something very special" and presents here a frog.

"What's so special about it?" the woman asks.

The clerk says: "Well, this frog is very special, becau...

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, t...

The Professor and his driver

A big company Professor has been giving weekly scientific speeches at all kinds of conventions throughout the country for a number of years. Always accompanied by his personal driver James.

One day, on their way to a big congress, James looks into his bosses eyes through his rear view mirror...

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the three Paddys

Three blokes, all named Paddy, are down by the seashore one day when they spot a mermaid off in the distance.

The English Paddy says to his mates "watch this". He saunters over to the mermaid and asks "Excuse me, have you ever been kissed before?" She replies "Why no", whereupon he proceeds t...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

What does she have that I don't?

An elderly woman is living out her golden years in a retirement home. One day she spots a newcomer at BINGO. He's a dashing gentleman of about her age and though she's rather a prude she can't help but be flattered when he flirts a little with her. And though she's not sure that it's the godly thing...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

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Charlie goes to hell

Charlie was very, very bad, and when he died he went to Hell, of course. He was SO bad that the Devil met him personally, shook his hand and said

"Charlie, just for you we are giving you a choice of not one not two but three - that's THREE - Hells to choose from! YOU get to pick where you'll ...

Another: Isaac Asimov's "Death of a Foy"

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on Earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (with a name which was pronounced -- as nearly as Earthly throats could make the sounds -- Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.


Every Foy, of course, came to voluntary de...

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