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Ew Jokes

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...

How do you milk sheep?

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1500 for it.

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

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A man walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke

Bartender: "Hold on" as he puts an apple on the bar

Man: "What's this?"

Bartender: "Try it"

Man: "It tastes like rum!"

Bartender: "Turn it around."

Man: "This side tastes like coke!"

Another man walks into the bar and asks for a gin a tonic, and the bartende...

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So a gorilla dies of old age at a zoo...

...right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage fo...

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I'm Siri, you idiot!

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

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A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.

The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”

Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.

30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really nee...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.

As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.

The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth w...

5 Things you do not want to hear while having surgery:

1: "Ew, yuck! That's gross!

2: "No Spot, give that back! Bad dog! Bad, bad doggy!"

3: "Doctor, what are you doing here? Are you out on parole?

4: "Hey, this is great! We could use a good kidney!"

5: Can you figure out how to stop that thing from beating? It's ruining my c...

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

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A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It ...

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

Peanut

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeede...

I decided to shear some of my farm's sheep and make a sweater for my nephew.

I didn't know his size though, so I had to guess and hope he wouldn't notice if it was too small.

Unfortunately, when it came time to help him into it, the worst happened and it wasn't big enough. Truly, I couldn't pull the wool over his eyes!

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

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Guess my age?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the ...

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

What do you call a half-wookie and half-sheep hybrid?

A Chew*baahaaahh*cca

A lady walks onto the bus with her baby.

The bus driver says "ew! thats the ugliest baby i've ever seen!" lady starts to cry and heads to the back. the man sitting near her asks "whats wrong?" lady says, "the bus driver just insulted me". Man says, "what!? you go up there and tell him off! here, ill hold your monkey!"

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The office blonde

Three secretaries all left the office for lunch together.

As they got in the elevator, they noticed a small pool of white-ish fluid on the floor.

The brunette said,

“Ew! Is that semen?”

The redhead leaned closer, then said,

“Yep, definitely semen.”

The blond...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of $20 notes...

"What's with the jar?" the man asks the bartender.

"That's for the bar challenge, you put $20 in and if you complete three tasks you get the lot."

"What are the three tasks?" the customer asks, intrigued.

"First you need to drink a gallon of homemade moonshine, the strongest we...

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