Escap Jokes - 82 Hilarious Escap Jokes

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A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

What do you call a dwarf psychic who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand

But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little wh...

An escaped convict breaks into a couple’s home

The couple is being held at gunpoint in their kitchen when the convict grabs the wife and whispers intently in her ear before letting her go.
The husband pulls her in close and says to her “look, this man has been locked up for who knows how long, hasn’t seen a woman in years. Maybe just let him ...

A girl runs under a church awning to escape the rain.

A priest at the door greets her. "Are you all right, my dear?"

"Oh yes, I'm fine!" she exclaims. "It's just absolutely pouring rain!"

Suddenly, the sky opens up, and water begins to cascade down as if pouring from an enormous faucet.

"Oh my!" she exclaims. "It's coming down in ...

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.

Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

How did the hacker escape the police?

He ransomware

An Afghan escaping from Taliban walks in through the Pakistani border...

He is immediately stopped by Pakistani border patrol agents and asked to identify himself. He stops and says he's the Minister of Ports & Shipping of Afghanistan.

Paxtani border officer: "But there is no sea in Afghanistan. How can you be the Minister of Ports & Shipping?"

Afg...

A convict escapes from prison and holes up in a convent.

He rounds up all the nuns and begins to look them over, saying, "I'll have my way with all of you."

A young novice says, "Please, sir, do what you will to us, but don't harm the Mother Superior!"

Suddenly, the Mother Superior says, "You heard the man! He said ALL of us!"

What did the math teacher say when the parrot escaped?

Polygon

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving.

A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) .... Sorry if that was a little con descending.

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab...

and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get...

Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?

I don't know, they just ransomware.

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

Did you hear about the guy who escaped a firing squad only to fall into a vat of boiling oil?

He went from the firing plan into the fryer.

You know how I escaped from Iraq?

Iran

A man escapes from prison. What are his initials?

S. K. P.

A gorilla ask the zookeeper if he has heard about the escaped gorilla

The zookeeper says no. The gorilla replies, that’s because I’m a quiet gorilla

*muffled gorilla violence*

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

a prisoner escaped jail through a tunnel under his cell

After getting out of tunnel he found himself in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free! I'm free!" he screamed

"So what? I'm four" replied one of the toddler

Did you hear about the guy who escaped being a toilet slave?

He got away scat-free.

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

I call my cat that keeps escaping “Rasputin”

He was a cat that really was gone.

"Officer, where did the hacker escape?"

"I'm not sure sir, he used the backdoor and ransomware"

Why did Houdini have trouble scheduling his public escapes?

He was often tied up.

How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

A Lot.

Did you escape the Joke Decimation?

No pun in ten did.

What happens when a psychic Little Person escapes from prison?

We've got a small medium at large.

An elephant escaped from a zoo and no trace had been found....

Until a woman who had never seen an elephant before, called the police.

There's a weird animal in my garden. It's pulling up the cabbages with its tail. And what is worse, I cannot describe what it is doing with them.

A rabbit escaped from a lab.

While on his way, he found a group of rabbits who asked him to stay. Not wanting to refuse the offer, he asked them, what was so special about the place.

The leader of the group says - If you go through that fence, there is a whole field of carrots ready to eat to your content.

So, he ...

A monkey escaped from the petting zoo.

He rode out the gates on the back of a baby sheep.
Authorities have stated that he is on the lamb.

Did you hear about the dwarf that escaped by rappelling from Alcatraz?

I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.

A Sea Lion escaped from the Atlanta Aquarium...

I heard they had to re-seal the tank...

Inmate escapes prison

Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten ye...

Can't escape Dad jokes when you're a Dad...

Son (in crowded store): "Hey Dad, do you know where Mom went?"

Me: (knowing Mom can hear around the corner) "Just ask some people where the most beautiful woman in the store is..."

Mom: (snort-laughs from around the corner)

Me: "...and see if she has seen your Mom."

Mom: ...

Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on getting sent to jail?

He never finished his sentences

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

What do you call an escaped convict who joins the circus for the winter to hide out?

Chili Con Carni

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

Where did the hackers go when they escaped?

No idea, they just ransomware

What happened when the cows escaped from the paddock?

Udder Chaos!

A couple escaped from their elderly home to have some beer

Just after the waitress took their order, the man whispered his wife.

"My dear, you know what, I have been naughty, I did a series of silent farts when the waitress was taking our order."

Wife: "Darling, we should not go back to our elderly home after the beer." ...

A captive trying to escape...

That's such a running gag.

I know a man who says he designed a labyrinth, got imprisoned in it, and then escaped using wings made of wax.

But I wonder whether he really Daedalus things he claims to have done.

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I got home from work last night and walked into the bedroom just in time to catch my wife's secret lover escaping out of the window.

After slapping the cheating bitch around a bit, I ran out of the house to catch the guy..

"He went that way." Informed my mate, pointing toward next door's garden.

"Cheers Dave." I said, as I scaled the fence in pursuit. "And get some fucking clothes on, you'll catch your death."

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

Escaping the Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y...

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

Two prisoners have escaped today

One is 7 feet, the other is 3 ft 6 in. Police are looking high and low for them.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

What has 125 teeth and prevents a savage beast from escaping?

My zipper.

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A few months ago my budgie escaped from its cage and had sex with our dog.

Anyone want some puppies going cheap?

How does Kevin Bacon escape from a bear trap?

He's gotta cut footloose

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are escaping prison

After somehow dodging the security guards, they make it out of the prison. However, they are on an island and still have to swim 10 miles to be free.

They all swim away, but after 1 mile the brunette gets exhausted and turns back, saying she can't make it the whole way.

2 miles later ...

We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.

But it’s still up in the air.

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Did you hear about the moose who escaped a Mexican zoo and ran all the way to Virginia?

He's now a VA-moose.

I went to the worst escape room ever.

Its called IKEA.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

An elephant escapes from the circus

It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police

"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator

"There is so...

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

So three women escape from a prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head.

They hide under a tarp on a work truck. The security guard is checking the tarp at the gate. He pokes his rifle at the brunette and she goes "meow, meow". He pokes his rifle at the red head and she goes "woof, woof". He pokes his rifle at the blonde and she goes "potato, potato".

''Did you hear about the Gorilla that escaped from the Zoo''

...the Gorilla asked the zookeeper

''No I did not'' the zookeeper replied

"That's because I'm a quiet gorilla''

^^^*Muffled ^^^Gorilla ^^^Violence ^^^*

What did i do to escape Iraq?

Iran

Don’t worry this story Israel

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.

This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

Why did the Escape key want to leave?

Because it kept being repressed.

I tried to catch a bunch of fireflies last night but they escaped the container

It was ajar

At a circus there’s a calamity and two lions escape.

They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks “does this taste funny to you?”

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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Man escapes from insane asylum, and has sex with a girl in a laundry mat.

The newspaper the next day reads:

"Nut screws washers and bolts."

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem.

The officers would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change thei...

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

Three prisoners of war have escaped and are running through a forest...

The smart one says, "They're catching up to us! Let's climb up a tree and make animal sounds so they don't hear us breathing."

As the first enemy soldiers pass underneath, the smart one says, "Cheep cheep."

As the next wave of potential captors goes by, the average intelligence POW hoo...

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