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Constipated Jokes

I wanted to see that new movie titled "Constipated"

It hasn't come out yet.

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What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit

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I'm emotionally constipated.

I haven't given a shit in days.

Did you hear about the constipated lumberjack?

He told the doctor he’d been keeping a log.

Did you hear about the constipated vampire?

Doctor put him on blood thinners.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Why are lawyers always so constipated?

Lack of moral fiber.

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What do you call a constipated detective?

No shit Sherlock

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A construction worker goes to a doctor and complains about being constipated

The doctor examines him and asks about his life, work, the usual. Then he examines the body parts in question and nods. "Please bend over and brace yourself." The worker, slightly confused, does as he is told. So the doctor grabs a plank and smacks the worker hard on the ass. After worker collects h...

Today, while constipated, I decided to solve a difficult math problem.

I was able to work it out with my pencil.

Last week I was so constipated....

I tried prunes and other home remedies with no relief. I was about to buy a rectal suppository but then I remembered an old friend who was a proctologist....

...and with friends like this who needs enemas.

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Constipated people are the most carefree ones

they don't give a shit

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

Why don’t mathematicians ever get constipated?

If things get hard they can always work it out with a pencil

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.

Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?

1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his ass(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....

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How do you help a constipated person?

You scare the shit out of them.

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I’m constipated and got nothing to do.

I’m bored shitless.

Did you hear about the constipated logician?

He was able to de-deuce himself through reasoning.

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I am so constipated.

I have not taken a shit since 2020.

***HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM AUSTRALIA. MAY YOU ALL STAY HEALTHY AND SHIT WELL.***

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I was constipated for a week

I had a huge back log.

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained,

The doctor examined him and explained:"I'm going to give you some suppositories.

I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository.

She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on ...

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“I’m constipated, Mr. Holmes.”

“So then you haven’t been able to move your bowels, Dr. Watson?”

“Yes, no shit Sherlock.”

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A constipated blonde goes to the doctor, who prescribes her with suppositories.

A week later, the blonde comes back and tells the doctor that she's still constipated.

"Did you take the suppositories like I asked you to?"

"I did, but it didn't work."

"Oh my. This had never happened to one of my patients before. My suppositories have always worked! Why didn't...

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Why do you hire a boxer when you are constipated ?

Cause he beats the shit out of you.

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anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

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Never trust someone constipated

They're full of shit.

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MC Hammer was constipated.

Apparently he was 2 legit 2 shit

Inspired by my 7 year old, who asked permission to use a mommy/daddy word.

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Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated

When I told him this, he said, 'Are you kidding me?'.


I said, 'I shit you not.'

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I told my friend that I knew a famous constipated English detective.

He said. “No shit Sherlock.”

I guess he knew him too.

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...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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I was constipated

but the idea of being stuck on the toilet scared me shitless

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A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives

Man: Box of laxatives please

Chemist: Sorry I'm out of stock

Man: What, again? But I'm desperate

Chemist: Well that's tough shit I'm afraid

Constipated people are so useless.

They can't do squat.

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Whenever I’m constipated, I always take some laughing gas.

I do it just for shits and giggles.

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Why are so many people constipated in Michigan?

Cause you can't have a shit in Detroit

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I was constipated so I took an oral suppository

For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass.

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(OC) A Russian sailor was constipated.

He said to the cook, “I like the cooking but I can’t use the washroom.” The cook said to the sailor “oh you don’t know the rope trick? All the sailors do it.” The sailor asked about the trick and the cook replied “just tie up the string and swallow it and you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

The next...

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I had to cover my coworker's shift at work today. she said she couldn't come in because she was too constipated.

But I think she's full of crap.

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Constipated Construction Worker

“A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."



The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."



The construction worker leans over the table, and the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends ...

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There was an indian chief who was constipated...

...he sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior goes to the doctor and says "Big Chief, no shit". The doctor gave him one pill and told him "the chief should be fine tomorrow"

The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the ...

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What did the constipated hot dog say?

MUST...TURD...

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What’s the worst part about being a constipated Lions fan?

Can’t have a shit in Detroit

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Are flatearthers constipated?

Because the amount of shit they pull out of their ass is amazing

Why a constipated man is careless?

Cause he doesn't give a sh#t.

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

What did a constipated Moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

What do you call a constipated conspiracy theorist?

An anti-laxxer!

What's the best thing to give to a constipated burglar?

Klepto-bismol

Joe goes to the doctor with severe constipation

Doctor gives him two suppositories. Joe goes home and swallows them.

Next day he goes back to the doctor.

"Doc I am still badly constipated."

Doctor gives him two more suppositories, and Joe again goes home and swallows them."

He again goes back to the doctor the next day...

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