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Bed Sheets Jokes

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

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Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often.

Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.

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Halloween at a Hospital.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea an...

A man’s wife is very concerned about the horrible dandruff he has, and the fact that he won’t go to the doctor about it.

So she goes to the doctor on his behalf, and she says doctor, my husband has horrible dandruff and he won’t do anything about it and I am at my wits end with the skin flakes all over the bed sheets and pillows, what can I do?

The doctor says, give him head and shoulders, and see if that help...

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Italians do it better

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he...

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A man is hospitalized

He is stable. While not entirely bed ridden, he cannot move far without assistance. He feels a sudden urge in his bowels. He hits the call button to get assistance to go to the commode. Alas, he is unable to void. Several more times, he has the same sensation, summons the nurse, and again and again ...

A man comes home and goes to bed with his wife...

Suddenly, he gets mad and says "floral bed sheets? Don't you know that I hate floral bed sheets?" and goes under the bed in a huff. He meets another naked man under the bed and tells him "apparently, you don't like floral bed sheets either."

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to ...

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Whenever I have sunburn I take viagra

It doesn't soothe the pain but it keeps to bed sheets off my legs

A night of drinking

After a night of heavy drinking at the bars, 3 girls meet up the next day to recall their drunkin night

Girl 1: I was so drunk last night when I got home I blew chunks for hours!

Girl 2: That’s nothing! When I got home I couldn’t even make it to the toilet and threw up all over my bath...

Last weekend I was accused of being dyslexic at a party...

I think they were just jealous of my goat costume, because nobody else put in *any* effort. For some reason they all just decided to wear bed sheets to the goat party.

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This kid loves tractors and it’s his favourite thing in the world.

He has everything relating to tractors, bed sheets, toys and posters, the lot. He would always talk about them every moment he possibly could.

Anyways his dad for his 8th birthday he takes his son to the farmers market. The kid was in his element, he sees every possible tractor he could imag...

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horr...

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

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I found my daughters diary and read it.

So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.

For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out...

A man decides to become a monk...

One day, a man decides that he was going to join a monastery to become a monk.

When he walks in, the head of the monastery welcomes him warmly and tells him that if he were to join, he would have to spend 10 years of silence. The man agrees.

After 10 years the head monk goes to him a...

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[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

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The Italian Stallion and more

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired...

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Your last day on Earth is supposed to be your worst...

... And St. Peter decides who gets into Heaven based on how shitty their last day's been. Well, there's 3 guys and the first guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter asks, "Why's your day been so terrible?"

And the guy replies, "Well, my wife's been actin funny for a few months now. She ...

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On a late Saturday evening

On a late Saturday evening in a pub, a man and a woman, total strangers to each other, met in a bar. As usual, they talked, drank, flirted … and eventually as the evening progressed, they started kissing. With the natural flow of things, they ended up in his apartment. Before things were getting hot...

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