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At School Jokes

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

One Day At School,

The teacher asked the kids to stand and tell the class what their Father does for a living, spell the occupation and let everyone know what your Dad would do if he was here in the classroom.
First, came Sue. She stands up and says, "My Father is a Baker. B-A-K-E-R. And if he were here today, he w...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

"Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"

"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

I told my Mom that a friend at school called her a MILF.

All she could say was “Which friend?”

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

I'm trouble at school

A boy come home and tells his dad that he will be getting a call from school. Whhhhyyyyy asks dad. The boy says well I was in the lunch like and then was a bowl of apples. On the bowl was a sign that said only one... God is watching. A little farther down there was a bowl of cookies. I noticed there...

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice, "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I'd be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I'd be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom ...

I didn't learn about turtles at school

They never tortoise

Even at school they thought I had special powers; what was the phrase…

‘Constant super-vision.’

My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.

Homeschooling for us was fun though

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

Heard this joke at school. Thought I might share it with y’all

There is a lady called Mary who has 3 children: Violet, Rose and Brick.

So Violet goes to her and asks: “Mom, why am I called Violet?”

And Mary responds: “Because when you were born, a violet fell on your head”

Then Rose comes and asks: “Mom, why am I called Rose?”

And Ma...

Mom: What did you do at school today?

Me: We did a guessing game

Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.

Me: That's right!

There was this kid who was terrible at school...

His parents had tried everything; after school programs, private tutoring, etc. Nothing had worked to bring up his grades. So they decided to try one last thing, to send him to Catholic school.

So the first day of Catholic school he goes, and comes home. He opens the door and looks at his mom...

Mom, someone called me gangster at school today.

Mom: Dont worry I'll go tomorrow and solve this problem

Son: Make sure it looks like an accident.

What did the buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?

Bison

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

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Little Timmy leaves right after lunch at school

so the teacher tells him to stop. "That's not how we do things, Timmy, what does your dad say after a meal?"

Timmy looks at the teacher and says "Whelp! Better go take a shit."

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s okay, he woke up

There is a French kid at school that just cannot sit still....

he's Oliver DuPlace

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.

Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not sw...

At school the teacher tells the students:

- Children, you have to write an essay that ends with the sentence "Mother, there is only one".

One child presents his essay about the time his mother saved his puppy from being run over and killed: "And that's why I say that mother, there is only one".

Another child presents his essay...

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

I don't think that I quite understood 'Show and Tell' when I was at school.

Every time I 'showed' , the girls told.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

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My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

My daughter came home from her first day at school and announced that she "learned how to make babies"

You drop the "y" and add "ies".

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…

I think that’s poor for four.

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

What is a woman's favourite subject at school?

History. They are great at bringing up stuff from the past.

True story: Wife asked the 7yo, "Do you have any girlfriends at school?"

7yo, "No, just 'personal complications'."

My daughter said she's struggling with a mean girl at school

I advised her to tell her that she's average.

Counting Numbers at School

Teacher: Billy said our last number was 69, Sally what comes after 69.........
Sally: Mouthwash

Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"

It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.

an old joke told to me at school by my Latin teacher:

A man goes into a restaurant and orders dinner, then the wine waiter comes over.
"I'd like a bottle of Hock please"
"I beg you pardon, sir?"
"I said a bottle of Hock, you know, as in hic haec hoc"
"Very good sir"
The man eats his meal, but the wine never arrives, so he called the wine...

When I was at school...

When I was at school, the other pupils voted me: "Pupil most likely to end up in a mental institution."
They got that wrong!
Turns out I'm actually:
"Only pupil who didn't die in a mysterious unexplained accident."

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?

He got suspendered.

I studied communism at school

Got nice Marx

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to wher...

Son: Mom, do you think the kids at school will pick on me?

Mom: Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would you say that?

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

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Son: Dad we have a small get-together at school tomorrow.

Dad: What do you mean by small?

Son: Just you, me, and the principal.

When I was 10, I fell down during recess at school

When I got up, I noticed Ihad a rock embedded in my knee and my friend was pointing & laughing at me. So I dug the rock out and whipped it at him- hitting him right in the forehead.

That was the only time I ever passed a kid knee stone.

A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."

So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.

A week later, the private school calls ...

At school

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

I failed math at school so many times.

I can’t even count.

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Little Johnny at school

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Ma...

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

Visiting my first grade son at school lunch today...

Me: How is school going so far?

Son: Good, I had a test.

Me: What was your test on?

Son: Paper.

Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today.

Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?

Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway

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Johnny was at school

Johnny was at school and the teacher said,
"Someone use fascinate in a sentence."
Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence."
Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the te...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Why didn't the penny do well at school?

He didn't have much cents.

(My 9 year old just made it up)

What grades did Fidel Castro get at school?

Full Marx

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

Son: | was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school.

Me: What's that?


Son: A big building with lots of kids.

The cross-eyed teacher at school got fired today.

He couldn't control his pupils.

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble.

I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions

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Young Johnny at school

Young Johnny at school: "Teacher! Teacher!
My dad hit hit a kangaroo up the arse with his
truck"
Teacher: "Rectum Johnny"
Johnny: "Wrecked 'im alright. Friggin annihilated
'im."

Why did Tinkerbell get made fun of at school?

She Peter Pants

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My nickname at school was scarface

I was fucking brilliant at knitting

Do You Know Why Frieza Wasn't Popular At School?

Because his brother was "Cooler"

Someone at school stole my thesaurus.

I just can't describe how angry I am.


(Edit: credit to emul4tion for suggesting a tighter version of my original)

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I hated Sex Ed at school

Or 'Sexy Edward', to give him his full name.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I was carrying my ukulele in its case at school and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?".

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

My daughter made a giant pair of shears from outdated computer parts in art class at school

She called it “Cutting hedge technology”

At school one day, a bully told me I had a face only a mother could love.

I went home and found out I was adopted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher says to little Billy at school:

"I want you to use a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."

Billy: I've got 9 buttons on my coat but I can only fascinate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

At school we were always taught the pull-out method doesn't work...

...but like many teenagers, it hasn't stopped the UK trying anyway.

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