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Your Foot Jokes

What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

"May I borrow your foot pump?"

"Why? Have you got flat feet?"

Put your foot in it eh?

I came home from work to a note from the wife saying;
"I've left you because you are stupid and bigoted".

I'm not stupid, I'm dyslexic and its not my fault I've got big toes!

What do you get when your foot falls asleep?

Comatose.

If you ever drop a volcano rock on your foot...

...You'll Krakatoa

What do you call an apple near your foot?

Fruit by the Foot

(Coworkers loved this joke. And none had heard it before, so im pretty sure its OC)

To become rich and successful all you need is to make sure you get your foot through the door.

The only thing that can stop you is when someone figures out who broke into their houses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor to me - we're going to have to amputate your foot

Me (high AF in morphine) - ok. Cool.

Doctor to nurse - mark him to so he has nine inches below his knee.

Me - You said you were going to amputate my foot.

Doctor (sounding annoyed) -we're about to amputate your foot and you're making dick jokes?

Me - will crying bring it...

Girl: So how did you hurt your foot?

Boy: Well we were camping out and this giant Grizzly Bear came out of nowhere, reared up on his hind legs, roared, and then started charging us! So I ran in front of him, shouting, "Oh no you don't!' And then I kicked him where it hurts the most and he ran off into the woods whimpering.

Girl:...

Fun Fact: if you drop a can of Coca-Cola on your foot it will hurt.

A little ironic considering it's a soft drink.

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say foot size corresponds to dick size...

I think if your dick is as wide as your foot, something's wrong

A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.

"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"

"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.

"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

As a vintner was moving a cask of sparkling wine,

he rolled his foot and injured his ankle. The pain was severe, so he decided to visit his orthopedist. The doctor examined his foot and ankle, took x-rays, and ran MRI scans.

"Sir, I can't find anything wrong with you. You can move your foot and ankle normally, and there's nothing showing up ...

An old family joke.

A couple have a baby boy. He learned to speak at an early age, and was quickly learning the names of body parts.

The child's grandfather is playing with him, asking him to identify parts of the body.

"Where is your mouth?" The child would touch his lips. "Where is your foot?". The c...

The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're no...

What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes?

"You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar, like he does every Saturday.

The bartender, unfamiliar with the pirate’s new look asks, “What happened to you? You look horrible!”

The pirate replies with “I got in a fight with another pirate crew and just barely made it out alive.”

B: “What happened to your hand?”

P: “The captain of the enemy crew chopped...

[Request] Need jokes to cheer up BIL after surgery with less than desired results

Hi /r/jokes!

My brother-in-law had major surgery on his fully functional leg two days ago. He came out of the surgery unable to move his foot. There is no apparent reason for the lack of foot functionality.

I am here to request a wide range of jokes about his foot. Clean jokes to d...

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