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The Bible Jokes

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible

I guess that makes me an eighth-theist

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

What do you call it when a sixty year old man suddenly starts reading the Bible?

Cramming for finals.

if Christians read the Bible to get closer to God, what do atheists read to further intensify their non-belief?

The Bible.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

Coffee and the Bible

Did you know the Bible talks about who should make coffee? There's a whole book dedicated to it called Hebrews.

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

Who was the greatest financer in the bible?

Noah, cause he floated his stocks while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

Did you hear about the 5 constipated men in the Bible?

1. Cain. He wasn't Abel....
2. Moses. He took 2 tablets....
3. Balaam. He couldn't move his ass(it's in the Bible, look it up)....
4. King Solomon. He sat on the throne for 40 years.....
5. King David. He said no power in Heaven or on Earth could move him.....

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Word of the Bible

Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.

--- fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

Why doesn't the bible have an "about the author"?

It was written by a holy-ghostwriter

Did you know Joseph from the bible played tennis?

He served in the courts of Pharaoh.

I really like how the Bible is written

They nailed it

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?

Nebuchadnezzar -- he was on grass for seven years.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A newlywed couple lay in bed one morning husband says: "How about you go brew us some coffee?"

Wife: "That's your job."

Hasband: "Says who?"

Wife : "The bible, it's on just about every page."

Husband: "The bible don't say anything about brewing coffee."
Wife (Holding her Bible flipping pages): "See every page Hebrews, Hebrews, hebrews."

Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?

Chap. 1

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

My father once told me that the Bible said "spare the rod, spoil the child" as a justification for hitting me

The Bible also had a problem with Wrath, but I valued my life too much to point that out.

There's a lot of crossover between the Bible and Spongebob

Both are quite holey

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

Who was the strongest person in the Bible?

Jesus, he did CrossFit.

The Bible, 5/10

Too much Worldbuilding.

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

Is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Yes!

In the "big inning"

Oldy/not original: Who is the biggest sinner in the bible?

Moses, he broke all the commandments at once.

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

In the bible, Samson was a tough man.

But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.

One day, a man stole a copy of the Bible.

The rightful owner filed a police report, but there was no evidence left behind nor any leads on who might've stolen it, so the case fell to the wayside. As there was nothing particularly special about this Bible compared to other copies, the rightful owner bought a new copy and forgot about the ord...

Why are there no Hondas in the bible?

Because Jesus never spoke of his own Accord.

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

The Bible is not a very good book

But Noah’s arc was flooded with good story

The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

It's important to not read the bible, but skim it -

The devil's in the details

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

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What is the difference between a penis and the bible?

A: Nothing, they both get shoved down your throat by a catholic priest.

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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

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Who was the stretchiest man in the Bible?

Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and walked up a mountain!

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

What do you call the parts of the Bible without Moses?

Mosn't.

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I caught my son masturbating to the bible.

We had to have a come to jesus meeting.

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The Bible says that homosexuality is bad...

But Jesus did get nailed by a bunch of guys.

The Lost Bible

One day a devout preacher lost his favorite Bible while he was at a spiritual retreat in the mountains. He was devastated, and began to lose his faith. Three weeks later, a dog walked up to him after church service, carrying the Bible in its mouth. The preacher couldn't believe his eyes.

He ...

My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just be...

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

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It's all in the Bible

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS....

"How much would you say you read the Bible?"

"Well, I don't read it religiously."

Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

What if the last words of the bible were

"... you had to be there."

If you wanna find the band Smash Mouth in the Bible,

Just open your Bible to Psalm... BODY ONCE TOLD ME

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

What is your dog's least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

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I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

Why can't you use the Bible as a coaster?

Because the Bible story doesn't hold water.

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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