I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible

I'm an eighth theist

Christian’s these days only believe in like 12.5% of the Bible

I swear most are Eighth-iest

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

Grandma and the Bible.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.



“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.



“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “b...

Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?

Chap. 1

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

I bought a book calling itself 'The Bible of being a self-entitled white woman'

It's called the Ka'ran

When my spirit feels weak, I turn to the fourth book of the Bible.

After all, there's strength in Numbers.

Who's the best businesswoman in the bible?

Pharoah's daughter; she went to the Nile bank and drew a little prophet

Trying to read multiple versions of The Bible at the same time is really difficult.

You have to do a lot of...cross referencing.

Oldy/not original: Who is the biggest sinner in the bible?

Moses, he broke all the commandments at once.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older

then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Who was the greatest financier from the Bible?

Noah, of course!
He was floating all his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation!

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

I was thinking of adding cameras to the Bible

^(But they probably wouldn't be Canon)

One day, a man stole a copy of the Bible.

The rightful owner filed a police report, but there was no evidence left behind nor any leads on who might've stolen it, so the case fell to the wayside. As there was nothing particularly special about this Bible compared to other copies, the rightful owner bought a new copy and forgot about the ord...

guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible...

he said he's an eighth theist

Who was the strongest person in the Bible?

Jesus, he did CrossFit.

It's important to not read the bible, but skim it -

The devil's in the details

Why are there no Hondas in the bible?

Because Jesus never spoke of his own Accord.

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

In the bible, Samson was a tough man.

But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

Hey girl, are you the Bible?

'Cause men keep misinterpreting what you say to support their own selfish agendas.

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

Is baseball mentioned in the bible?

Yes!

In the "big inning"

Why do old people read the bible so much?

Studying for the test.

Jesus' life told by the bible

1. baby
2. ???
3. prophet

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

The Bible is not a very good book

But Noah’s arc was flooded with good story

The Bible, 5/10

Too much Worldbuilding.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

If Christians read the bible to strengthen their beliefs, what should atheists read to strengthen theirs?

The same.

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

What was the first mention of tennis in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharoah’s court.

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What's the similarity between a dick and the bible?

Jewish people cut off the end

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

What do you call the parts of the Bible without Moses?

Mosn't.

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

What do you call someone that only read 1/8 of the Bible

An eightheist.

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The pastor states, “Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.”

Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, “What about PMS?” A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, “That’s easy. And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!”

What is your dog's least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

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I caught my son masturbating to the bible.

We had to have a come to jesus meeting.

When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?

When god presented Moses with two tablets

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

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I have no idea why people say the bible is anti gay

I definitely remember something about Jesus getting nailed

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The Bible says that homosexuality is bad...

But Jesus did get nailed by a bunch of guys.

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

Who was the smartest man in the bible?

Abraham. Because He knew a Lot.

If you wanna find the band Smash Mouth in the Bible,

Just open your Bible to Psalm... BODY ONCE TOLD ME

What's the first reference to soccer in the bible?

"And then Jesus went up for the cross"

It’s a sin to burn the bible and inject the ash into your bloodstream

For you are forbidden to use the Lord’s name in vein

TIL that the Bible states that only men should make coffee

It's in the book of He Brews

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What is the difference between a penis and the bible?

A: Nothing, they both get shoved down your throat by a catholic priest.

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The Bible says Mary and Joseph didn't get along very well.

Says she rode his ass all the way to Bethlehem.

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I once asked my pastor what the Bible says about masturbation.

He told me it's difficult to say when all the pages are stuck together.

My wife and I wanted to follow tradition and give our children respectable names from the Bible...

Our boys Cain, Lucifer, and Judas are truly a blessing.

Why can’t you read the Bible on Xbox but you can on pc?

It doesn’t work cross platform

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Who was the stretchiest man in the bible?

Abraham. He tied his ass to a tree and climbed up the mountain

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

My favourite part of the Bible, Psalm:

body once told me the world was gonna roll me.

The Bible is a great read. That ending - I did not see it coming.

Or that second coming.

What if the last words of the bible were

"... you had to be there."

Did you know the bible says it’s illegal to trim your beard?

Which is surprising seeing as priests seem to be so fond of grooming.

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

Why can't you use the Bible as a coaster?

Because the Bible story doesn't hold water.

My husband doesn't believe me that the Bible instructs him to make the coffee in the morning.

It's there, clear as day. Hebrews.

"How much would you say you read the Bible?"

"Well, I don't read it religiously."

Bud-dum tss, I hate myself.

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The Bible does not condemn homosexuality

The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.

What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.

Missionaries went to Jewish family's house, knocked on the door and asked: "Did you read the Bible?"

The reply was: "We wrote it."

Does anyone know in which page of the Bible explains how...

...to transform water into wine?

Asking for a friend.

Did you know people did drugs in the Bible?

That guy Stephen got stoned.

Did you know the Bible forbids sunbathing in Greece?

That means it is a sin to go to Cos and get a tan.

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The bible says "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"

But I think that's sexual harassment.

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Did you know men aren’t supposed to masturbate in the Bible?

It makes the pages stick together

Whenever someone it's the crazy idea to reinterpret the bible I'm like wow...

...loose canon.

I just read the bible, really good book. Had a lot of character development

In my opinion, the Noah Arc was the best part

I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them"

But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"

When was the longest day in the Bible?

The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

The bible purposely leaves out the decade of Jesus' life in his 20s because he was clearly a ladies man...

I mean, he can turn water into wine, and was well hung. What do you expect!

Whoever wrote the Bible should've come up with two more divine entities

So instead of calling it the "Holy Trinity" it would be the "Repentagon".

Did you guys know that handicapped people were mentioned in the beginning of the bible?

Cain's family was dis-Abel'd.

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"Love thy neighbor as thyself", the bible said!

But my neighbour did not appreciate me trying to jerk him off :-/

You know why the Bible is better than the dictionary?

The dictionary has verbs, but the Bible has PROverbs!

One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books; On the Origin of Species and the Bible.

Surprised, he asked the orangutan, "Why are you reading both of those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

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