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Stoner Jokes

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.

A stoner will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

What is a stoners favorite computer software?

Adoobe

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.
<...

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Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?

For shits and giggles.

What do you call a stoner's funeral?

A wake and bake

What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common?

They are both 100% cotton

What do stoners call midday?

High noon.

A cop pulls over a stoner.

Cop: How high are you?

Stoner: No officer, It's "*Hi, how are you?*"

What's a stoners favorite kind of coffee?

Iced Mocha Latte

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

how do stoners propose?

"Marriage, you wanna?"

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

What did the frog say to the stoner holding the bong for too long?

Rrrrrrrrrip it

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

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A math teacher, a gym teacher, and a stoner die and arrive in heaven at the same time.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself.

The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell.

The...

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

What do you call a stoner who fell down a hill?

Tumble weed

Mathematician stoners don't celebrate 4/20

They already celebrated 1/5

A bunch of stoners were tasked with the job of inventing a new sport...

The result was just a bunch of misshapen llamas playing football.
When they asked the group of stoners why they decided this to be the new sport, they replied "we were just sitting there in silence for a long time and then someone said "alpaca bowl""

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Two stoners crawl on rails

One of them says: "This ladder is so long"

Another one replies: "Don't worry, the elevator is coming"

How do you call a group of stoners smoking weed on a live stream?

A pot-cast.

What did the stoner frog say to the other stoner frog?

Ripit

What kind of ceremony do you have for a catholic stoner who died?

Wake & Bake

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Dude, look how big my hand is!

Which Slavic ruler was the biggest stoner?

Vlad The Inhaler

How do you have a serious conversation with a stoner?

You have to be very blunt with them.

[corny joke alert]

Where do stoner pirates eat their cake?

On the high seas!

What do you call a group of royal stoner?

High society!

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

How does a stoner bake his Christmas ham?

420°, glaze it.

As part of an urban planning experiment, a group of stoners are tasked with designing a small American city...

They decide that there should be both a Denny's and a good Denny's.

Last night, I was knocked out by a stoner and ended up in hospital...

When I came to, I asked what happened and the doctors said I had blunt force trauma.

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?

He parks in it, man.

I look like a cop but I'm actually a stoner...

I went to the convience store the other day to get rolling papers. I said to the clerk, "Papers, please." He gets upset and yells "Hey man I'm a citizen!"

How do a Cannibal and Stoner Reflect on their Journey, Together?

"Maybe the real treasure was the friends we baked along the way."

The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says t...

Are you a stoner

Cuz I think weed be cute tother ;)

Why do stoners like bells so much?

BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!

What’s a stoners favorite Star Wars movie?

The Hempire Strikes Back

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

What's the worst type of stoner?

The religious ones who throw rocks when someone does something that the religious people don't like.

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Why do elephants and stoners get along so well?

.......uhhhh.... I can’t remember.

Where is a stoners favorite place to sit in a resturaunt

In the high chair

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

Why do stoners make great couples?

They finish each others sandwiches.

I tried being a stoner for the first time today.

The person I threw the rock at didn't appreciate it though.

What did the stoner say to his girlfriend?

"I love you more than leaf itself."

Why wouldn’t they let the stoner on the basketball team?

Because he couldn’t jump high

How did the stoner die?

He went out in a blaze of glory.

What did one stoner say to the other?

Hi(gh)

What do you call a stoner working at a repair shop?

High maintenance

If a stoner was giving you orders...

Would you address them as "your highness"?

My stoner friend is on the 'seaweed' diet...

He sees weed, then smokes it in the parking lot at Red Lobster

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Stoner joke with animals, always been a favorite of mine.

So monkey is sitting in a tree, sparks up a fatty joint. As he's enjoying his rolled handiwork mr lizard comes by an says "shit dude that smells delicious, mind if I join ya?" Monkey replies "No of course not, come on up man." So lizard and monkey sit an smoke for a bit; but this is quite a hefty J ...

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?

Because he gets high Marx

What is a stoner bro's favorite tool?

A saw, dude

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

What’s it called when a bunch of stoners start working together?

A joint collaboration

Why are stoners the worst storytellers?

Too many potholes!

How did the stoners get to Woodstock?

They rode the canna-bus.

What kind of poker do stoner cows play?

High Steaks

What did one stoner noodle say to the other?

Pasta blunt homie.

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?

Pot Roast. Ba dum dum

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What is a horny stoner's favorite chip?

A baked lay :D

What do you call a stoner that lives in a mountain?

A cave maaaan

What is a stoner’s favorite food?

Hash browns.

Why did the stoner fail his driving test?

He kept hitting cones.

How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, what?

What’s a stoner’s favorite type of poem?

A haiku.

What’s the difference between a stoner and the sun?

1s already burnt out. aaaaHA

Stoner: “Where do I go to get some bongs?”

English person: “Big Ben, mate.”

What do you call a stoner with one leg?

A grasshopper

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My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we ...

What do you call a stoner with Down Syndrome?

A baked potato.

Stoner Joke

A pothead finds a strangely looking old oil lamp in the trash and rubs it to clean it up a bit when suddenly a genie comes out of it. "Congratulations, you freed me from my captivity! I grant you three wishes for releasing me!" The pothead does not think twice and says "OK, for my first wish - I wan...

What's the difference between a Mexican and a stoner?

A stoner has papers

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

What did the kid of the stoner parents get after the divorce?

Marijuana possession

What do stoners ride to school?

The cannibus

I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

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What's the difference between a Jew and a Stoner?

One enjoys being baked.

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