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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What does a stoners mouth and shirt have in common?

They are both 100% cotton

Two Stoners are walking down the street.

They pass a dog licking its balls. The first stoner says. boy I sure wish I could do that!! The second Stoner says you better pet him first.

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.

What do stoners and arthritis have in common??

They both inflame joints.

Stoner thought of the day:

Each time you light your lighter. Your lighter gets lighter.. ... Until your lighter gets so lighter it wont light again

What is a stoners favorite computer software?


What do you call a stoner's funeral?

A wake and bake

A stoner goes into a pawn shop

He looks around for a little while and sees a TV he really likes, so he goes up to the pawn shop owner and says "excuse me sir I'd like to buy that TV over there" the pawn shop owner says "I don't sell to stoners get out!"

The stoner leaves and a week later returns to the pawn shop and says t...

What do you call a stoner who fell down a hill?

Tumble weed

A bunch of stoners were tasked with the job of inventing a new sport...

The result was just a bunch of misshapen llamas playing football.
When they asked the group of stoners why they decided this to be the new sport, they replied "we were just sitting there in silence for a long time and then someone said "alpaca bowl""

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.

A stoner will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint

He’s now high on my list of priorities.

Where is a stoners favorite place to sit in a resturaunt

In the high chair

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?

He parks in it, man.

ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.

Blunt force trauma.

What did the stoner say when someone tied his shoes together?

"Damn. These are laced and I'm tripping!"

What days do Canadian stoners like the best?

I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?

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My mother-in-law is visiting. Emotions, like a stoner late for class....

...are running high.

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

What do you call a group of royal stoner?

High society!

A cop pulls over a stoner.

Cop: How high are you?

Stoner: No officer, It's "*Hi, how are you?*"

I lived with stoners in college and suffered terrible side effects...

For years afterward, I thought I was funny.

Why wouldn’t they let the stoner on the basketball team?

Because he couldn’t jump high

What did the stoner say to his girlfriend?

"I love you more than leaf itself."

What Did The Stoner Die From?

Blunt Force Trauma

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Why did the stoner put laxatives in the weedbrownies?

For shits and giggles.

How do IT stoners measure their edibles?

In gigglebites.

What’s it called when a bunch of stoners start working together?

A joint collaboration

What food does a stoner serve his guests at a party?

Pot Roast. Ba dum dum

How did the stoner propose to his wife?

Marriage, Juana?

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get


I'm way too high to work in a quarry.

I tried being a stoner for the first time today.

The person I threw the rock at didn't appreciate it though.

Mathematician stoners don't celebrate 4/20

They already celebrated 1/5

How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?

Wait, what?

A stoner died from a heroin overdose last night.

The paramedics did everything they could but it was all in vein.

What's the worst type of stoner?

The religious ones who throw rocks when someone does something that the religious people don't like.

Why do stoners like bells so much?


What do you call a stoner that lives in a mountain?

A cave maaaan

How come you never see stoners jog?

It's hard on their joints.

What did one stoner noodle say to the other?

Pasta blunt homie.

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?

Because he gets high Marx

My stoner neighbors got divorced

but it's okay because they got joint custody

Why do stoners make great couples?

They finish each others sandwiches.

If a stoner was giving you orders...

Would you address them as "your highness"?

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

How do stoners propose to one another?

Marriage, you wanna?

What’s a stoner’s favorite type of poem?

A haiku.

There was a DEA agent who was a stoner on his off-time. His M.O. was that he always smoked weed at or near a dealer's house, and then staged a raid on that house, always with tear gas and smoke grenades. His motto:

First I smoke the joint. Then I smoke the joint.

What do you call a stoner's Coke?

Baking soda

A stoner was conducting frog observations in his lab

Day 1: He cut off the frog's right arm and told it to jump, so it jumped.
He wrote in his journal, "if you cut off the frog's right arm and tell it to jump it'll jump."

Day 2: He cut off the frog's left arm and told it to jump, so it jumped.
He wrote in his journal, "if you cut off a f...

What did one stoner say to the other?


Did you hear about the two stoners who merged their companies?

It was a joint venture

How did the stoner die?

He went out in a blaze of glory.

What is a stoner bro's favorite tool?

A saw, dude

What’s the difference between a stoner and the sun?

1s already burnt out. aaaaHA

What did the kid of the stoner parents get after the divorce?

Marijuana possession

How did the stoner feel when he jumped into a vat of marijuana infused vodka?

He was in high spirits

Are you a stoner

Cuz I think weed be cute tother ;)

Why are stoners the worst storytellers?

Too many potholes!

Stoner: “Where do I go to get some bongs?”

English person: “Big Ben, mate.”

My stoner friend is on the 'seaweed' diet...

He sees weed, then smokes it in the parking lot at Red Lobster

I almost never watch movies my stoner friends tell me to watch

Even though they come highly recommended.

Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"

The first answers, "Yahweh!"

A glutton, an adulterer, and a stoner are approaching the gates to heaven...

As the sinners stand at the gates, St. Peter addresses them each in turn.

To the glutton he says, "The excess food that you ate could have fed thousands of the poor and starving. You must endure 1,000 years of your sin, only then may you enter the kingdom of God." And so, the glutton found h...

The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

How did the stoners get to Woodstock?

They rode the canna-bus.

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

What is the name of a medieval castle for stoners?

Fort Wenty

Did you hear about the stoner who had a stash that never went stale or moldy? He used to spend hours stoned just staring at it...

I guess it's true what they say, a watched pot never spoils.

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

A stoner is smoking a joint at a hostel when a German guy turns up.

The German guy speaks no English, but the stoner is feeling good so he offers the German his joint. The German takes a puff, thanks him, and hands it back. The stoner nods approvingly, and for some reason begins to roll another joint. He takes a puff himself, and hands it to the German, and again th...

What's the difference between a Mexican and a stoner?

A stoner has papers

What do you call a stoner with one leg?

A grasshopper

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What is a horny stoner's favorite chip?

A baked lay :D

What do you call a stoner with down syndrome?

A baked potato.

What do you call a stoner working at a repair shop?

High maintenance

Why did the stoner fail his driving test?

He kept hitting cones.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

What is the first thing stoners do after getting married?

Roll their money into joint accounts.

What is a stoner’s favorite food?

Hash browns.

How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, it's already LIT!

-What do you call a stoner who recently broke up with his girlfriend?


What kind of poker do stoner cows play?

High Steaks

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Stoner joke with animals, always been a favorite of mine.

So monkey is sitting in a tree, sparks up a fatty joint. As he's enjoying his rolled handiwork mr lizard comes by an says "shit dude that smells delicious, mind if I join ya?" Monkey replies "No of course not, come on up man." So lizard and monkey sit an smoke for a bit; but this is quite a hefty J ...

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

What's a stoners favorite dessert?

Baked goods

How do you get a one armed stoner out of a tree?

Wave at them..

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner come...

A dyslexic stoner enters a competition.

He comes out on pot.

What is a stoner's favorite mathematical term/status?


I used to be a stoner in my home country...

...but then I started to respect women

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What's the difference between a Jew and a Stoner?

One enjoys being baked.

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