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Shakespear Jokes

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sex with me is like Shakespeare..."

It was forced upon you in middle school.

YOUR TURN: "Sex with me is like shakespeare: ________________."

**Edit: Start your own at [/r/sexwithme](http://www.reddit.com/r/sexwithme/)

William Shakespeare was married to a woman called Anne…

Anne hath a Will, Anne Hathaway.

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates.

(I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership)

St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in."

Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great ...

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

What do Shakespeare and attention seekers have in common?

They're great at creating drama and much ado about nothing.

Shakespeare in the loo

Hamlet felt he needed to use the bathroom, but he didn’t feel like it.

To pee or not to pee, that was the question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shakespeare joke

(Disclaimer: This one isn't original, but I don't think I've seen it here)

Little Johnny is at the mall with his mom. He sees a man with bow legs and points to him and says "Mom, what's wrong with that man's legs?" She's horrified and tells him, "Johnny, that's rude, you should never point...

What's the difference between a Shakespeare comedy and Fox News?

One's The Taming of the Shrew, the other is the shaming of the true.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William and Shakespeare...

Were traveling together and came across a small village. Both being poets, the crowd of people wanted to know whom was the best poet and conducted a contest amongst William and Shakespeare. Shakespeare, with smugness, decided to go first. The mayor gave Shakespeare the word, "Timbuktu" to come up wi...

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

One of Shakespeare's original pencils is going up for auction

Problem is its very chewed, so nobody can tell if its 2b or not 2b

What did Shakespeare call his shower

McBath

Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?

Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee

What's the difference between Shakespeare and Panic At The Disco?

Shakespeare writes Tragedies not Sins.

William Shakespeare came to get vaccinated.

Nurse: Which arm?

Shakespeare: As You Like It

Nurse: Was that painful?

Shakespeare: Much Ado About Nothing

Nurse: You will have to have a second jab.

Shakespeare: Measure For Measure

Nurse: So what do you think of the general awareness with regard to Covi...

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did William Shakespeare write in 1598?

95% of the jokes on this fucking sub

What did Shakespeare have for breakfast?

.
.
Hamlet.

3" , 6", & 9" are which Shakespeare plays?

Much Ado About Nothing... As You Like It ...& Taming of the Shrew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

The past tense of William Shakespeare

Wouldiwas Shookspeared.

Shakespeare walks into a bar

[Exit, pursued by a bear]

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's Shakespeare assignment

So there's an English class, and each kid has to memorize a stanza of Shakespeare. Johnny's stanza reads as follows:

Hark! I think I heard a pistol shot.

Yonder lies a fair maiden with hope in her soul.

I think I'll snatch a kiss and sneak off into the woods.

By William S...

3/15 is The Ides of March. Do you know what time it officially starts?

“At two”

.
.

If ya love Shakespeare then ya love a groaner. Enjoy!

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day.

When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to ma...

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot

Shakespeare never actually used a quill to write his work, he used a pen because

It could write in i-am-bic pen-tameter

What size drum sticks does William Shakespeare use?

2B, or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Detective Shakespeare and his new partner Jameson are on a case...

the Murder of a young man named Jonathan, Detective Shakespeare arrives first and asks the neighbors and the witnesses, he writes the name of 10 people as suspects, after further investigations, he narrows the number of suspects down to 2 young men, Maximilianus and Tobias, then Jameson, who oversle...

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

I failed my Shakespeare test because I forgot to study and I used the wrong pencil.

I couldn't tell whether it was 2B or not 2B.

Did you know that Shakespeare once made a performance about puns?

It was a play on words.

Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

Do you know what the difference is between Shakespeare and Eminem?

Eminem had no ghostwriter

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

I'm about to embark on a huge art conquest of Shakespeare's work and am undecided on which pencil to use...

2B or not 2B

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

Why did Shakespeare get so many bacterial infections?

Because he only had quillicillin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shakespeare - Its better to have loved and lost,

than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

If Shakespeare was a pun master

Then he would make a play on words

This morning was all about Shakespeare. This afternoon it's all about his poetry.

Things are going from Bard to Verse



*^(Credit to my mate, Martin)*

What do you call an Islamic militant Shakespeare?

The Allahu Ak-Bard.

William Shakespeare did not pioneer the modern form of a play

While the format of act 1, then a break, then act 2 was used by Shakespeare it originally came from Spain.

It was initially unpopular in Spain as people were confused by the break in the play as no one expects the *Spanish intermission*.

What do you call it when Shakespeare has a wet dream?

Mid summer Night’s cream

We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare.

Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.

What did William Shakespeare say regarding atomic orbitals?

"2p or not 2p, that is the question."

William Shakespeare once manned the welcome desk at a popular hotel

One day an elderly man walked up to the desk and asked for a room.


Shakespeare quickly found a room available on the second floor and asked him if this is the room he wished to book. The forgetful, ancient individual stared at Shakespeare for several uncomfortable seconds.

"I'm so...

What do you call Shakespeare’s works in Mecca?

Islamic pentameter

What is Shakespeare's favourite writing utensil?

I don't know, but it was either 2B or not 2B.

Hey Shakespeare, are you writing your next play in pentameter?

Iamb.

Shakespeare told us who he was all along. . .

BIC PENTAMETER. Its all over his works: I AM BIC PENTAMETER

What was the slogan for Shakespeare's camping shop?

Now is the winter of our discount tents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the bookshop and I said to the assistant "I'm looking for a play by Shakespeare"

She said "Which one?" and I said "William!"

Dumb bitch.

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

William Shakespeare once said "Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late"

My wife disagrees.

It's really put a strain on our sex life.

What did Shakespeare say when Black Friday was over?

Now is the winter of our discount.

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

Shakespeare was planning on making Hamlet into a musical, but there was one instrument he was undecided on

Tuba, or not tuba, that is the question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

How many monkeys does it take to write a Shakespeare novel by accident?

As many as it takes /r/jokes submitters to write an original joke. (by accident)^^^♻

Why was Shakespeare always a good teammate to have?

Because no matter the sport, he would always play write

Shakespeare was at the store looking for pencils, but he couldn’t decide which ones to buy.

2B or not 2B; that was the question.

My 10yr old daughter told me this today

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why wouldnt William Shakespear be a good rapper?
Cause he's dead.
Knock knock.
(Who's there)
Not Sally

Why did Shakespeare break up with his girlfriend?

Prose before hoes.

What is the best thing about taking a date to see a play by Shakespeare?

Getting to know her afterwords.

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

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