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Touche Jokes

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her , then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A .

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the did I just read?"

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of !

Man I really should start losing weight :(

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A blind man goes into a bakery, touches the salt croissant and says...

...WHICH IDIOT WROTE THIS ON IT!?

My wife hasn't touched my in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

What's long and if touched, liquid comes out from the tip?

A pen

A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has one wish

The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"

After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"

The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muf...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hires a Scottish prostitute but finishes before she actually touches him

He got off scot-free.

I touched an open wire,

what happened next will shock you.

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a ?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a with the tip of my finger."

St...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...

"Just ram me up the why don't you" she shouted...

...And that Your Honour is where the confusion began. ..

A man goes to a doctors office, and says “Whenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurts”

He touches his arm, and screams in agony. He touches his shoulder, and screams in agony. The doctor observes all this and says, “I think you have a broken finger.”

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

I touched myself and my life went downhill

It was a stroke of back luck

Today I inappropriately touched and propositioned several female coworkers...

It's all good though. I said "No Cuomo"

"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]







Doctor: it looks like ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...
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