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Long Line Jokes

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

I waited in a really long line that turned out to be fake.

It was a giant faux queue.

LPT: Always go to the bathroom before you stand in a long line

It's the P before Q rule.

A man walks into a bar and there's a long line of people punching each other.

That's the punchline.

Long Lines

A young boy likes the prettiest girl in school and decides to ask her out to prom. Due to her being so pretty, there's a long line he waits in to ask her out.

The young boy realized that he needed a corsage for his pretty date so he goes to buy one. Due to it being so close to prom, he waits ...

What do you call a long line of angry people trying to order food at a Vietnamese restaurant?

Pho queue

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Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

I come from a long line of people who exaggerate...

Well, me and my dad.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

I was having breakfast at a hotel, and I went to get some orange juice but there was a long line of people waiting there for some. So I went to the Apple juice line, and again, there was a long line. So I decided to have some punch instead.

I was relieved to see that there was no punchline.

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There is a long line to take off at the airport...

And one pilot says on the radio: I’m fucking bored. Then a female voice says angrily: who was that, identify yourself! And the pilot says: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid.

A guy took his girlfriend to prom.....

...He waits in the long ticket line but gets the tickets. Goes to rent a limo waits at the rental line for very long, but rented it. Went to buy flowers for his date, stands in a long line, finally he got the flowers.At prom, she asked him to go get some punch. He went to the refreshment table, and ...

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

What do you call a long line of a's and b's?

Long time no c.

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

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Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me..

Then I'll yell. Where's the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office....

....Suddenly, he feels somebody kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

There was a long line at the doll factory the other day.

They were having a barbecue.

A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates.

To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.



The lawyer says, "I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

<...

What does a bodybuilder do while waiting in a long line?

Weights

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside...

I asked a worker, "What's everyone here for?"

He said, "That's the Barbie queue."

Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger...

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

I set my burrito down on the window sill and went to get a drink. When I came back, there was a long line of ants running into my food!!

I hate sill ant row!

One day in Soviet Russia, dear comrade Stalin walks street when he see long line of people queuing up.

He thinks "Blyat! There must be something nice to be had at the end of that line". Being a dear comrade and equal to everyone, he dutifully goes to the end of the queue.

Now man next to him in line turns around and sees dear comrade Stalin. The very next moment, he leaves the queue!

Th...

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Guy walks into a very crowded bar

The bar has long line so he gets in the line and waits and waits and waits. After finally being served he orders a bottle of Whiskey and leaves the line. After drinking the whole bottle of whiskey he gets a light headache and thinks water is a good idea. But there is a long line to get water. He get...

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven.
"That's a good question. Wait here and I will ...

I was at a party and there was a big bowl of mixed alcohol and fruit juice, with a long line of brain surgeons, rocket scientists, and Nobel prize winners all queuing up to drink it...

...I thought what a great punch line.

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners and did wonderfully in workouts. In actual races, however, he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be neutered.

The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.<...

So I was going to take this girl to prom...

But she had all these prerequisites to bringing her, she was very needy.

She wanted me to buy her dress, flowers, a necklace, a limo, ect...

I go to the store for her dress and of course there's a huge line, I'm waiting forever but I finally get the dress.

I make my way to the ...

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taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else u...

Heaven’s lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

“I want the men to make two lines:

“ One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”

“I want all the women to repo...

Prom

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were r...

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

A boy asks a girl to prom

On the big day of the dance, the boy has to make a few stops before he picks up his date.

The first stop is the tuxedo store. When he gets there, there is a huge line of patrons ahead of him. He waited patiently and finally was able to pick up his tux.

The next stop was the florist t...

Going to the prom

A boy asks the crush of his dreams out to prom, and she said yes! So he plans out a list of to-do before the big dance.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there is a long tux line at the shop, he waits for 20 minutes.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and ...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

Upon getting there, he's greeted by a demon:

"Hello, welcome to Hell. You pick a country's torture room to spend the eternity inside."

The man walks down a road-like hall and sees many hellish rooms: Japan's torture room was a high-tech furnace-like room maintaned by several demons, Au...

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So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long)

So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would g...

A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.

Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.

Finally, he had to buy tickets...

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