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One Night Stand Jokes

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.




I'll see myself out.

I’m not really a one night stand kind of guy

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

I was involved in a one night stand that went horribly wrong.

We’ve been married three years now.

One night stand is only acceptable thru college

After that you should get a matching pair for the other side of the bed

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

I got home with my one night stand. She pulled down my pants and looked disappointed!

She said you told me it was 12 inches!
"No" I replied "you mis-heard me. I said it smells like a foot".

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

One night stand...

They leave the bar and end up at her house.
Her bedroom has an entire wall covered in rows of stuffed animals.

Biggest ones near the ceiling... getting smaller towards the floor...

He ends up staying the night...

In the morning he asked... how was I?

She said
Take...

I had a one night stand with a girl who had a shell tattooed on her inner thigh.

If you put your ear to it you could smell the sea.

I had a one night stand with a recluse on tinder

She gave me hermit crabs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Some Reddit posts are like one night stands

You make a comment in the post and then never hear from it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush

I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty gross

She said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”

I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

Wanted: One Night Stand

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

I had my first one night stand today.

My legs are starting to go numb. Does anyone have a chair for me to sit on?

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night stand

A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."

The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."

one night stand

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.

"so why didn't you call me after our one night stand?"

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

I had a one night stand with a girl the other night...

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.

From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

One night stand

I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blon...

Going on a one night stand with me is like Game of Thrones

Everything is exciting, conversations are awesome, you really like where things are going and you are excited for things to come.

Then you get home with me, and all the build up is ruined with sloppy action which ends way too soon with utter disappointment and you never want to think about it...

Wify suggested one night stand is what we needed.

However, i did not like the idea. Instead, I bought two night stands.

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why girls prefer funny guys for one night stands?

Because she knows he's just fucking with her.

One night stand

I'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand.

I'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed.

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

Why did the carpenter only have drunken one night stands?

Whenever he goes to the bar he always end up getting hammered with another girl and nailing her. Then once he's done screwing, he nuts and bolts.

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