My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

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I had a one night stand, and afterwards she used my toothbrush

I made kind of a big deal about it, because that’s pretty gross

She said, “Well we just had sex, what’s the difference?”

I said, “*Well* I was planning on using that toothbrush again”

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? –

He nuts and bolts.

What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

Movie Theater Popcorn is Like a Drunken One Night Stand

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si...

Going on a one night stand with me is like Game of Thrones

Everything is exciting, conversations are awesome, you really like where things are going and you are excited for things to come.

Then you get home with me, and all the build up is ruined with sloppy action which ends way too soon with utter disappointment and you never want to think about it...

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

Some Reddit posts are like one night stands

You make a comment in the post and then never hear from it again.

After a one night stand last night the girl said I was the biggest she ever had

I said “oh cool thanks” and then she said “no seriously you need to lose some weight”

Thinkin about a one night stand.

Maybe 2, because I have two lamps.

Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson has a one night stand.

The woman he was with contacts him soon after to let him know she was pregnant, and wants him to own up to his mistake.


Andrew then replies, "It's not a mistake, it's surprise mechanics."

I call my one night stands potatoes.

First I take them in the sack, then I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

Last night, I was listening to some guy bragging about his one night stand.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

I said I am looking for one night stand

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

"so why didn't you call me after our one night stand?"

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?

Gladiator.

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A man has a very passionate one night stand with a girl.

The next day when he wakes up he notices she is still caressing his cock. Amused he asks, "You are still horny, aren't you ?". The girl replies, " Nah I just miss mine."

One night stand...

They leave the bar and end up at her house.
Her bedroom has an entire wall covered in rows of stuffed animals.

Biggest ones near the ceiling... getting smaller towards the floor...

He ends up staying the night...

In the morning he asked... how was I?

She said
Take...

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

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I stumbled out of bed from a one night stand to find my dad at the kitchen table.

"I'm proud of you son" he winked, "now tell me, did you use protection?"

"You know what they say, dad" I grinned, "up the bum no babies."

"Ha ha, that's my boy" he laughed, "what's her name?"

"Patrick" I replied.

I got slapped in the face for asking a girl if she was interested in one night stand.

Pretty rude, considering I was going to give her a discount on it as well.

I had a one night stand with a girl the other night...

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.

From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

After a one night stand, a man climbs out of the woman's bed and puts on his clothes...

says "It was great to meat you" and leaves.

My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week...

He never called me back.

Wify suggested one night stand is what we needed.

However, i did not like the idea. Instead, I bought two night stands.

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Blonde wakes up after a one night stand.

She sees some random guy sleeping next to her. Her memory is fuzzy, but she remembers some very passionate sex that took place last night.

She frantically wakes the guy up and asks him if they used any protection. The guy says no, not as far as he can remember.

"Damn" says the blon...

Wanted: One Night Stand

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

How are one night stands like savings accounts?

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had.

We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.

Why did the carpenter only have drunken one night stands?

Whenever he goes to the bar he always end up getting hammered with another girl and nailing her. Then once he's done screwing, he nuts and bolts.

I can't get rid my one night stand...

It looks like it was attached to the wall by the previous owner.

A guy wakes up after a one night stand and looks at the woman in his bed...

He then asks her "How old are you?"
"How dare you ask me that! A woman is as old as she looks."
"That's a lie, people don't live that long."

2 strangers have a one night stand

The next morning, when both were awake, the woman turned to the guy and asks gently:

"Are you going to make me breakfast or do you suck at that too?"

one night stand

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.

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One Night Stand (NSFW)

A guy successfully picks up a woman during a night out and brings her home for some casual sex. By the time they get to his apartment, they're both unbelievably horny. The front door has barely shut before they start making passionate love, stripping each others' clothes off on the way to the bedr...

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

I'm tired of this one night stand mentality in college...

I have multiple lamps and alarm clocks, I need at least two night stands.

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One night stand

A guy finishes up banging a girl he just met at a bar. He says "If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken it a little easier."

The woman says "If I had known you were in such a hurry I would have taken my pantyhose off."

What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?

in one night stand you tear off the panties

in long relationship you gently remove the panties

in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.

Did you hear about the Asian kid who had that one night stand?

He had too many books to fit on it

Since I keep seeing jokes like this, here's a proper Aussie one.

Why is a wombat like a man on a one night stand?

A wombat eats roots, shoots and leaves.

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Having a one night stand with a beautiful woman (NSFW)

and she says, "Give me 9 inches and hurt me." So I fucked her 3 times and I slapped her.

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A bad one night stand.

So this guy walks into a bar. He sees a pretty, young girl so he walks up to her and buys her a drink. They start flirting and they both are getting a little drunk. So the guy asks the girl "Do you wanna come back to my place?" and she agrees. So they get back to his place, and they have the roughes...

I just woke up with my reading lamp unplugged and lying next to me in bed.

You never know what to expect from your one night stand.

I went furniture shopping and really hit it off with the female sales associate.

It didn't work out though. She was looking for a serious relationship and I was just searching for one night stand.

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

What's the difference between Tinder and Ikea?

One night stands last longer.

LPT: Don't Take Home Furniture Sellers

They'll never let you get away with just the one night stand.

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