One Night Stand Jokes

There's usually strings attached.

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

He nuts and bolts.




I'll see myself out.

I’ve actually got two of them by my bed.






(This is one from a list of stand-up jokes I’ve been writing)

We’ve been married three years now.

A nut and bolt.

She said you told me it was 12 inches!
"No" I replied "you mis-heard me. I said it smells like a foot".

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

They leave the bar and end up at her house.
Her bedroom has an entire wall covered in rows of stuffed animals.

Biggest ones near the ceiling... getting smaller towards the floor...

He ends up staying the night...

In the morning he asked... how was I?

She said
Take... read more

After that you should get a matching pair for the other side of the bed

She gave me hermit crabs

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

You make a comment in the post and then never hear from it again.

You know you're going to hate yourself after.
You might even hate yourself during.
You feel gross after you're done.
It gets on and in your clothes, hands and hair.
You usually eat it in the dark.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it's been laying in the same bin si... read more

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

I was like, so what dude. I have two night stands; one on either side of my bed.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

My legs are starting to go numb. Does anyone have a chair for me to sit on?

She looked at me with some hostility and said, "They only come in pairs," at the furniture shop.

What's the difference between a one night stand and a washing machine? The washing machine won't call you everyday for a week after you put a load in it.

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe... read more

Everything is exciting, conversations are awesome, you really like where things are going and you are excited for things to come.

Then you get home with me, and all the build up is ruined with sloppy action which ends way too soon with utter disappointment and you never want to think about it... read more

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

At the beginning of the night I played piano for her and she said I was just like Amadeus or Beethoven.

From that point on I knew she was never going to call me Bach.

He never called me back.

I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed.

However, i did not like the idea. Instead, I bought two night stands.

...you make a deposit, withdrawal, then lose interest.

Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?

I'm not happy about my girlfriends one night stand.

I'd really like somewhere to put my phone and spare change when we go to bed.

A fake name and a fake number.

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.