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Hot Water Jokes

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

I just bought a hot water bidet

Real pain in the ass

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A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drank blood?”

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, I’m making tea".

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

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I just told my boss I'm fed up of working in a shit hole: the toilets are never cleaned, there's mould in the fridge, there's never any hot water and the place hasn't been hoovered once

Apparently he can't do anything about it if I work from home

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot Cross Bunnies!

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A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

The Lord of the Manor had a butler called Wibble, One day he called Wibble and said, “What about running my bath Wibble.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?” said Wibble.

“Yes Wibble, what about my dressing gown.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“Yes Wibble, what about my carpet slippers.”

“Certainly , will there be anything else my lord?”

“No Wibble,...

What did the egg say to the hot water?

Give me a minute to get hard, i just got laid by some chick.

Why don't plumbers like to work on instant hot water heaters?

It's a tankless job!

How do you admit to someone that you’ve just peed in the jacuzzi

“Urine hot water”

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+" and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first ...

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A wife texts her husband

"Windows frozen"

"Pour some hot water over it" he replies.

"Computer completely fucked now"

A marsupial fixed me an aromatic beverage, by pouring hot water over cured leaves and it was absolutely delightful! I asked how it was possible to make something so awesome at this level and he responded...

"It’s koala tea."

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A vampire walks into a bar

The bartender says: *”Let me guess, you want a bloody mary”*

The vampire says no, he wants a glass of hot water instead. The bartender looks confused but pours him his drink.

The vampire says: *”You see, I found this used tampon in the alley and I want to make some tea”*

why was the ice sweating?

It was in hot water with the cups

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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now.

He replied that he was currently working on:

\*Aqua-thermal treatment on ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment\*

I was impressed......

On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water under his wife's supervision.

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

Have you ever heard of Clinton Soup?

It consists of a weenie in hot water

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

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Dracula walks into a bar...

He sits down and speaks to the Bartender

Dracula: May I please have a cup of hot water and a spoon?

Bartender: Wait, aren't you Dracula the vampire?

Dracula: Of course I am. I can see that my reputation precedes me.

Bartender: But, if you a vampire why do you want hot wat...

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb,...

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At a vampire bar.

Typical vampire bar.
Vamp walking in screaming.
-Bartender! A+ full glass!
Bartender do the order.
Another vamp walking in.
-Bartender B- big jar!
Bartender does it and gave to vamp.
Third vamp walking in. Calmly going to bar sat down.
-Bartender a bowl of hot water please....

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A group of vampires walk into a bar when the bartender asks "what'll be?"

The vampires reply, "Cups of hot water for all of us"

They take the cups of hot water and shuffle off into a corner of the bar.

The bartender watches them for awhile and finally his curiosity gets the better of him so he walks over to them.

He looks at them quizzically, " Guys, ...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "

I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "

After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.

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Three vampires walk into a bar...

The first vampire walks up to the bar and the bar man asks what he can get him.

Vampire 1 responds "A nice warm cup of blood"

Bartender says "coming right up"

Vampire 2 pipes up and says "make mine cold!"

After the bartender hands the second vampire his drink he turns t...

funny questions & answer

1.Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Ans - Because he felt crummy.



2 Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Ans - Because her mom and dad were in a jam.



3.What did the little corn say to the mama corn?

Ans - Where is pop corn?



4. How...

After a long, hard day at work...

the poor guy's wife meets him at the front door and hustles him into the bathroom where she settles him into the tub to relax with a hot bath. On her way out she says, "If you need anything else, just call." Once alone, he releases a long, loud, gurgling bathtub fart. A moment later his wife returns...

Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce

Boudreaux's wife wants a divorce but Boudreaux does not, so he asks the lawyer, "Why does Evangeline want a divorce? I thought I was a good husband, me!"

The lawyer replies, "Evangeline said you have been a good husband for the most part but it's three behaviors of yours that bother her so m...

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

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Dracula walks into a pub...

When Dracula approaches the bar and orders a glass of hot water. Two men at the end notice him and ask each other what in the world he would want with a glass of hot water since all Dracula drinks is blood. So curious they decide to watch him. When the bartender returns and places the glass of hot w...

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Two vampires are having dinner at a restaurant.

One of them was rich; the other extremely poor.


The rich vampire ordered for the freshest and finest bottle of blood, and then asked the poor vampire for his order so he could treat him.


The poor vampire refused and ordered for a glass of hot water instead.


"You know...

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Three vampires walk into a bar....

The first walks up and says to the barman "I'll have a pint of lager please pal". He gets his drink, sits at an empty table and waits for his mates.

The second goes up to the barman and says "G&T for me please mate". He gets his drink and goes to join his friend at the table.

The t...

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People dream of mind bending shower sex

and I just dream of the hot water lasting longer than him

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It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

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