When someone says get a grip,

Apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis

"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You hear about the dude who failed Masturbation 101?

He couldn't get a grip on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought about quitting masturbating for good.

But, ultimately, I decided to just get a grip. Despite all the ups and downs, I'm just not prepared for anything to get out of hand.

I tried to teach a monkey new words by writing them on gigantic beach balls.

Sadly he just couldn't get a grip on them.

Why do crazy people perform terrible handjobs?

They can’t get a grip.

A drunk guy gets pulled over

and the cop said, "May I see your license, please?" The guy said, "You people need to get a grip. One day you take it away from me and the next day you ask to see it."

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

In a shelter for abused women.

My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 mon...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.