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Drill Sergeant Jokes

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

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A recruit's father has died and the drill sergeant is asked to tell him in a considerate and non-direct way

So the next day, the sergeant gets the whole squad lined up.



"Everyone whose father is alive, one step forward! Johnson, and where the fuck are you going?!"

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?

so he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.

A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle

Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.

The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:

"Fire at will!"

Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.

"Which one is Wil...

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Watch out for the drill sergeant

A guy came back from the service and met his buddy at the bar.
"So how was it in the service?"
"Not to bad, but in basics they had us jumping out of an airplane and when it was my turn I froze and I could not jump.
The drill sergeant behind me whispered in my ear:
"You jump ...

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The Drill Sergeant

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows,
"This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed,...

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A drill sergeant walks into a bar...

And orders a beer and a shot. The bartender obliges, ant tells him it’ll be $10. The drill sergeant slams both drinks. He turns to the bartender and says, “I tell you what, I will show you a trick so good, you’ll give me both those drinks for free.”
The bartender says, “This better be a good...

My Drill Sergeant said, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning”

I said, “Thank you sir”

one time in Vietnam my drill sergeant angrily asked who the hell kept quoting Credence Clearwater Revival

I said "It ain't me"

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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

One soldier

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. ...

Why does an octopus make a great drill sergeant?

Because it’s arm-y.

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A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night

A Drill Sergeant does a surprise bed check late at night and discovers a private sneaking back into the barracks.

Sergeant: Private! What are you doing?

Private: Trying to sleep, sir!

Sergeant: You look like you just had sex, boy. When did you last have sex?

Private: 2010...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon...

A drill sergeant is instructing a platoon.

He is walking up and down the line of men, complementing, or insulting the men on their work in the field that day.

Finally, he reaches a private at the end of the line.

In a gruff voice, he yells "PRIVATE, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAG...

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

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drill sergeant

There once was a private in the army who was in the middle of a training drill for stealth and disguise. He was all painted like a tree and blended in perfectly. The drill sergeant was walking through the forest trying to find this private, when all of a sudden the private flinched. The drill sergea...

The "Sir Sandwich" (I don't understand this joke!)

This joke appeared on Everybody Loves Raymond and I don't get it:

Our drill sergeant stressed to us the importance of addressing all officers with what he called a “Sir Sandwich.” “Sir, yes Sir!” “Sir, I don’t know, Sir!” and the like. A few days later a colonel approached me in the motor poo...

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A paratrooper is training to jump out of a plane for the first time.

He is scared shitless and tells his buddy: “I got a plan so I can avoid jumping tomorrow. There’s no way I’m jumping out of that plane. God himself couldn’t make me jump.”

The buddy says “oh yeah? What’s your plan?”

The guy says “I’m gonna be the last one in line. And as people are jum...

An original Joke!!

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you unders...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

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Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

Australian in the US army

A drill sergeant is yell at an Australian private.

Officer: did you come here to die!!!

Private: no sir I came here yesterday.


(Must say in Australian accent.)

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I was telling my friend about my training to be a paratrooper when the story of my first jump came up.

Me: Sitting there waiting to jump my mind was racing. Must've been 20 minutes before that red light telling us to stand up came on. Then when it went green one by one the guys in front of me started to jump. Slowly I moved my way towards the door and when it was finally my turn I froze. I looked out...

An Australian Man Joins the U.S. Army

As they present themselves at boot camp, the drill sergeant walks up and down the line, looking for signs of weakness.

He stops and gets in the Australian's face and asks "Did you come here to die soldier?"

The Australian calmly responds, "No sir, I came here yester-die."

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski. Zade was always last for everything due to his name. Everything always seemed to run out before Zade received his portion. Schoolbooks, supplies, food rations. Disappointed, Zade joined the military out of high school thinking that he would be treated eq...

Three childhood friends sign up for the army

And it's their first day, time for assignments.

The drill Sergeant asks the first one. "WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?"

"I like to go sailing!" he replied.

"OK, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOATS!"

The second friend stood up for his turn, and was asked the same question. "I like t...

What do you get if you cross a dentist and a soldier?

A Drill Sergeant

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When the kid graduated from high school...

his father told him he was going to be a paratrooper.
"Dad", he said, "I don't want to jump out of airplanes."
"Rubbish", his dad said, "I was a paratrooper. My father, your grandfather, was a paratrooper. And you'll be a paratrooper. Don't worry, they'll teach you all you need to know."
S...

A Young man comes home from boot camp is telling his dad all about it...

...He proceeds to tell him about the part of boot camp where they learn to jump out of a plane.

The son says, "Everyone was jumping out of the plane but I was too scared so I just held onto the door. We had a big, black drill sergeant that was screaming at me to jump but I just couldn't do i...

Why did the carpenter join the army?

Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

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A young man had dreamed of becoming a paratrooper.

After training for months, the time had finally come for him to make his first real jump. The night before, in a panic, he called his father – who had also been a paratrooper.


“Dad” he said, “Tomorrow is my first jump and I don’t think I can do it.”


“Don’t worry,” said his fath...

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Jump

A soldier home for the holidays was recounting some of his experiences to a friend over drinks. "It was my first time in an airplane and we were all supposed to jump. I was the last one left and was having trouble mustering the courage. My drill sergeant was behind me and yelled, "Boy, if you don't...

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A Talk With Dad

A father and son are talking after the son has been away for a long time in the Air Force. The son recounts his tale as the father listens intently:

"I was so excited to join the Air Force. I'm sure you remember, Dad," the son says.

"Yup," the father says, remembering.

"But wh...

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One evening a Navy Seal, a Marine Recon, and a Ranger were camping...

The Seal started boasting, "I'm so tough, I can kill a man 30 different ways with my hand."

The Recon says, "Hell that's nothing. I'm such a badass I can kill a man 50 different ways with my thumb!"

The Ranger says nothing.

Just smiles and nods and stirs the fire with his dick...

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Dad's gonna make a man outta you!

An old retired Major is tired of people making fun of his son for not growing up and getting a job to support himself so he makes him join the Airborne Rangers. The son is incredibly afraid of heights and certainly does not look forward to parachuting out of a plane. The son calls his dad after th...

An army training site and a mental asylum shared a fence..

One morning a doctor was walking in the yard of the asylum and noticed a patient who was playing with two buckets. One was filled with water and the other had holes in its bottom, so when he lowered her into the first one it made bubbling sounds. The doctor got curious and asked the patient "What is...

Military ranks

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, gives policy to God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a spe...

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