I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here."

"But I never went to college..." "Well then, I'm sorry. But you are unqualified to work here."

How much did you learn in school today?

Not enough, they want me to go back tomorrow.

Where do you learn how to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

Mom asks her kid, "now that you've lost your first tooth what did you learn?"

Kid: "don't interrupt you while you're talking."

"What did you learn in the class about not listening?"

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention, but I got an A+."

What do you learn in both Math and Social Studies class?

Inequalities

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"

"Well sir, that's what they call it now"

You learn something new every day.

Today, I learnt that fisting is not a boxing move.

When you learn more, it's called a lesson

When you learn less, you're called a moron.

A husband says to his wife, “If you learned how to cook, we could dismiss the maid, don’t you think?”

She replies, “Sure! And if you learned how to make love, we could dismiss the driver, don’t you think?”

How did you learn archery?

I'm elf-taught.

First you learn to read

Then you read to learn

The very first thing you learn in life

is how to think outside the box.

A father looks at his son after losing his first tooth. “Now that you’ve lost your first tooth, son, what have you learned?”

“Never interrupt you again while you’re talking”

Once you learn about confirmation bias...

...you start seeing it everywhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow, where did you learn to be so good at sex?!

I was home schooled

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school.

His mum says what did you learn in school today Johnny?

Johnny replies, obviously not a lot, I have to go again tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is your secret

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, wh...

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny d...

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A Quick Learner

Paw is talking to Maw one day.

"Maw. Ernest is 18 now. It's about time we teach him about fuckin".

"Ok." Says Maw, "I'll wait in the bedroom."

Paw calls Ernest over and says "Son, you're old enough now, its time you learn about fuckin."

"Well what's fuckin?" Says Ernest....

My wife called me a misogynist

I turned to her and said “Now where’d a pretty thing like you learn a big word like that?”

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

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Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be ...

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A young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot

The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real smart-ass, with a vulgar vocabulary and a rude temperament.

The woman says that's OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyway.

So the woman gets the bird home, puts it in her room, and st...

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

A scholar and a fisherman

A scholar is travelling in a small boat with a poor fisherman across a large lake.


The scholar asks the fisherman "did you learn how to read?“


The fisherman replies "no, I have not"


"What a pathetic waste of your life!“ sneered the scholar. "Half your life has been w...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.



“If you don’t stop swearin...

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Confucia say:

It is only when a mosquito land on your testicles that you learn to solve problems without the use of violence

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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

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Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.

The husband says to the wife “if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper”

She laughed and replied “if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener”

Father Flanagan is taking confessions...

Murphy, the IRA terrorist comes in. He sits down, crosses himself, and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession."

Flanagan replies: "Ah Murphy, me boy. What have you done this time?"

"Well Father, I blew up a thousand miles of Britis...

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