How much did you learn in school today?

Not enough, they want me to go back tomorrow.

Where do you learn how to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

"What did you learn in the class about not listening?"

"I don't know. I wasn't paying attention, but I got an A+."

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

"Son, where did you learn to use an axe like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest"

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert"

"Well sir, that's what they call it now"

Forget everything you learn...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Mom asks her kid, "now that you've lost your first tooth what did you learn?"

Kid: "don't interrupt you while you're talking."

What do you learn in both Math and Social Studies class?

Inequalities

First you learn to read

Then you read to learn

How did you learn archery?

I'm elf-taught.

The very first thing you learn in life

is how to think outside the box.

Once you learn about confirmation bias...

...you start seeing it everywhere!

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Wow, where did you learn to be so good at sex?!

I was home schooled

When you learn more, it's called a lesson

When you learn less, you're called a moron.

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A Quick Learner

Paw is talking to Maw one day.

"Maw. Ernest is 18 now. It's about time we teach him about fuckin".

"Ok." Says Maw, "I'll wait in the bedroom."

Paw calls Ernest over and says "Son, you're old enough now, its time you learn about fuckin."

"Well what's fuckin?" Says Ernest....

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

My wife called me a misogynist

I turned to her and said “Now where’d a pretty thing like you learn a big word like that?”

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Sammy adventures

Sammy has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Sammy: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Sammy does...

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Timmy: Dad, what’s shit posting?

Dad: well son, shit posting is the constant posting of mildly amusing but usually unfunny memes, videos or other pictures that are completely random or unrelated to any discussions.

Timmy: I get it! Where’d you learn that from?

Dad: well son, I Reddit.

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Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be ...

You and two of your friends die and go to Heaven. At the gates, ...

St. Peter greets all of you, "Welcome to Heaven, guys. You all lived pretty good lives, so we're going to let you all in. We only have one rule in Heaven - don't step on any ducks."

Friend 1 thinks, that must be a pretty easy rule to follow.

Then the three of you walk through the gates...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

A scholar and a fisherman

A scholar is travelling in a small boat with a poor fisherman across a large lake.


The scholar asks the fisherman "did you learn how to read?“


The fisherman replies "no, I have not"


"What a pathetic waste of your life!“ sneered the scholar. "Half your life has been w...

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

Notre Dame joke: A priest advertises a job to ring the bell at Notre Dame and the only applicant is a hunchback with no arms...

The priest asks "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower to where the bell is." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. The priest says "Ok, what's your plan?"

The hunchback runs and jumps at the b...

African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

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Confucia say:

It is only when a mosquito land on your testicles that you learn to solve problems without the use of violence

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Pat and Mick were in the pub

Monday night and Pats at the bar when Mick walks in with a black eye.

Pat: "What happened you, Mick?"

Mick: "I was in Mass yesterday and Missus Mckenna was sitting infront of me when I notice her dress tucked in between her bum cheeks. So I pull the dress out but she turns around a de...

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Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

Father Flanagan is taking confessions...

Murphy, the IRA terrorist comes in. He sits down, crosses himself, and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been three weeks since my last confession."

Flanagan replies: "Ah Murphy, me boy. What have you done this time?"

"Well Father, I blew up a thousand miles of Britis...

A rich couple lost all their money and was trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes.

The husband says to the wife “if you learn to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper”

She laughed and replied “if you learned to please me in bed, we could get rid of the gardener”

Dave wants to impress his new date.

She loves dancing, so he blurted out going to this new club, forgetting he can’t dance at all. He goes to the bookstore and finds the first thing he can read. He studies for two days, learning all the movements and positions.

The night goes as planned, and he is pretty confident with how he ...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

My mother learns a lot from me...

You know how the saying goes. You learn from your mistakes.

Mike joins a new school.

After school is over he returns home to his mother.

Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?

Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.

Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?

Mike: What school?

A scrawny little fellow turned up at a lumber company looking for work.

'Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,' he said to the head lumberjack. 'All right,' said the boss. 'Take this axe and cut fired that oak tree.' Five minutes later the man was back. 'I've cut it down,' he says, 'and split it into lumber.' The boss couldn't believe his eyes. 'Where on eart...

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell...

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Look mom, I'm black!

A little boy sees his mom making a chocolate cake. While she's not looking, he paints his face black with the frosting. Happily, he says "Look Mom! I'm black!" The mom immediately whips his ass and says "Go show your father what you did!". The little boy walks to the living room and says "hey...look...

In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol ---dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.<...

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Learning new curse words

Little Sally and Jonnie were getting ready for bed one night when Jonnie asked Sally, “hey, did you learn any new curse words today?” Sally replies, “yes, I sure did! Ass!”

Jonnie says “oh that’s so cool! I learned a new one too... Damn!”

“That’s so cool!” Says Sally. Let’s use them...

A tiny guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.

“Sorry,” says the head lumberjack, eyeing the man up and down. “You’re just too small.”

“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” the guy pleads. “You won’t regret it.”

“O.K.,” says the boss. “See that giant oak over there? Let’s see you chop it down.”

Half an hour later, th...

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Little Johnny returns to school after Thanksgiving break,..

and the teacher asks the class if anyone had an experience they learned from over the vacation.
The first child raises their hand and says, "I spilled my milk at dinner and I learned not to cry over spilled milk."
The teacher says very good and calls on Little Johnny next.
Johnny lau...

A man walked past a floating string...

*m* - "Where did you learn to do that?"

*s* - "I'm self-taut!"

"Look Momma, I'm a white boy."

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room an...

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Man to wife

Man to wife: Business is bad, if YOU learn TO cook we can remove servant.
Wife: If YOU learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener & watchman…

A father has a 8 year old kid named Jimmy that was always too afraid to ride a bike.

The dad says to Jimmy “Today is the day that you learn to ride a bike”
Jimmy responds “Dad, you know I can’t”
His dad replies with “Jimmy you have to learn how to ride a bike”
Jimmy refused to attempt it so his dad literally picked him up and put him on a bike. The dad was persistent in try...

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A boy is playing with a toy train in the living room

He says "ALRIGHT MOTHER FUCKERS! Get on the train dont waste my fucking time! lets GO GO GO!"

The mother hears this and, aghast, says "Johnny! Where did you learn to talk like that! This is totally unacceptable!"

For a time-out she had him sit in the bathroom for 2 hours without his t...

A boy and his pet bird

A little boy with a speech impediment got himself a pet bird for Christmas. One day, he went to the pet store to buy it some food.

He walked in and asked the man working in the store, "excuse me, mister, but do you sell any boyd seed?"

The man said "we do, but I'm sorry I can't sell a...

A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! ...

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

A Czech and a lawyer go camping

Two friends, a Czech and a lawyer were on a vacation to Canada and decided they would go camping for a few days. so sure enough the first night they camped out two bears showed up. They were awakened by the rustling noises outside and got up to see what was out there. The bears became startled and o...

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Little Johnny

Johnny's mom is in the kitchen and she decides to check on her son who is playing in the living room.

Little Johnny is playing with his train set, he pulls the train into the station and says, "Whoever needs to get the hell off the train, and who ever needs to come on the train get the hell o...

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The surgeon and his class of trainees

A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time, He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."

He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus , pulls it out and sucks on it.

The...

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