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Under Pressure Jokes

Justin Timberlake is under pressure from the US government to reveal the location of his secret fishing villa in war-torn Ukraine.

His only response is, Crimea River.
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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.

I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
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I nervously applied to sing on American Idol and Simon Cowell asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no,but I could do Bohemian Rhapsody!
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Cool under pressure

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a...
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When under pressure, just start counting in spanish

It undo stres
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When asked how he keeps his cool under pressure...

The bomb squad captain said "either I'm right or it's not my problem anymore."
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An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.
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A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...
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How do you make Vanilla Ice?

You put water Under Pressure.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job Interview

I went in for an interview and was asked "Do you have any special skills?"

I said "I perform under pressure well"

He replied "Can you give me an example?"

I started "Mm ba ba de, Um bum ba de, Um bu bu bum da de."

What do you call a fat round orange under pressure in the White House?

Orange juice for Trump's breakfast.
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I had a job interview today.

They asked how well I performed under pressure.

"Not bad", I told them, "but I'm much better at 'We Will Rock You'!"
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The Heart Surgeon

There was this kid, he applied to the best hospital in his city. The interviewer said "youre grades are amazing, your teachers have written amazing letters of recommendations but I have to ask what are your weaknesses?"
the guy laughs and says "well i get real nervous under pressure, i tend to re...
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Why was David Bowie good at test taking?

Because he could write Under Pressure!
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Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...
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My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.
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A man was at a job interview

The boss asked, How do you preform under pressure?

The man said, Well I try my hardest but I always end up singing “Ice Ice Baby”
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Why can't eggs keep secrets?

Because they tend to crack under pressure
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A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.
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Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.
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I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus

I don't work well under pressure and I don't like toxic work environments.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

My friend just became the World Champion in competitive origami.

He’s great at folding under pressure.
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One of life's most soul crushing moments occurs every time that a song comes on the radio .....

And you think you are about to hear Under Pressure by Queen only to find out it's Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice.
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A diamond is merely a lump of coal

that did well under pressure.
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I have a now famous relative

I have a now famous relative named Neil Coal who works in music. Back in 2003 he was under pressure to release his first album.

You might know him as Niel Diamond.
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A physicist walks into 2 bars.

He felt under pressure.
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I saw a sad Dallas Cowboys fan at the bar, so I bought him a beer and asked him what's wrong...

"See, it's like this, sir... I found a lamp at the beach, an' when I rubbed it, a big genie appeared in a cloud of smoke. It really was sumpthin', I tells ya. Anyhow, He says 'You have three wishes'... and well, I'm not good at thinkin' on my feet, and under pressure, so I kinda said 'Gee, I wish ...
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My mate who's an origami teacher, has quit her job..

Apparently...

1. There was too much paperwork.

2. She kept folding under pressure.

3. She just couldn't cut it.
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Ten of my friends said queen copied vanilla ice. I said they were wrong. All of my friends stared at me to prove it.

I was really under pressure
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I got a job interview as an under-water welder..

Interviewer: so how would you describe yourself?
Me : well I'd say i work well under pressure
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What does Cam Newton have in common with a Fig Newton?

They are both soft and crumble under pressure.
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Why can't the professional origamist handle stress?

Because he folds under pressure.
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What's the Top Job Requirement for Deep Sea Diver Position?

Ability to work under pressure.
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Chiropractors should become interrogators

Because their patients crack easily under pressure.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

What did King Arthur say when asked about Lancelot's betrayal?

"I don't want to talk about it, I've had a bad knight."


Bonus joke:

Why should you hire submariners?

They have experience working under pressure.
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What did the bad shock tell the good shock?

I'm bad under pressure!! It's the lamest car joke in the world.
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Why are divers always so nervous?

Because they're always under pressure!
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A man visits his parents' home in the countryside...

A man visits his parents' home in the countryside, and finds that the village is facing a major drought. The village's chief compels him to help by drilling the ground for water. The man agrees.

While the man is drilling, the village chief hovers right behind him, and yells out at random.
...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

Starcraft joke.

It's been 15 years since North Korea broke the Korean Armistice Agreement (cease fire agreement), and both North and South Korea are desperate to end the war since they are running low on resources. One South Korean general decided that he needs every help he can find to win the war so he brings Jae...
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