The New Jokes - 135 Hilarious The New Jokes

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

Did you hear about the new Ceremony the Royal Palace Guards preform when Prince Harry is in town?

It's called, "The Changing of the Locks".

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began. One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used ...

Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men?

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

Did you hear about the new girl who joined the Vegetarian Club?

I’ve never seen herbivore!

I’m not a fan of the new coins released with King Charles’ head on them.

But then again, I’ve never liked change.

Where will the new King of England keep his armies?

In his sleevies

the new maid

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

"Is this the maid"

"Yes"

"Well may I speak to my wife?"

"Well....she's in bed with a man"

The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot ...

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

Just Bought the new Dodge Hornet EV and ended up with two cars

Dealer said I also needed a Dodge Charger

The new suit

A man went to a tailor's shop to be fitted for a suit and a pair of shoes. The old tailor took all of the measurements and said to return in a week.

The man returned in a week and put on his new suit and new shoes.

As he stood in front of the mirror he complained that the left sleeve ...

Have you heard about the new braille laxative?

It's touch and go.

The new Russian AI application

ChatKGB - it's asking all the questions, and you are obligated to answer them

How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store?

Barbecue

Did you hear about the new airline pilot contract? You will only have to work on Tuesday!

‘some guy in the back raises his hand’

“Every Tuesday?”

Did you hear about the new frog movie?

I hear it's ribbiting.

My buddy Joe has lost a lot of weight on the new Dolly Parton diet.

It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

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Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

True story: my org is discussing the new name for our next project...

Our current project "Servicing 2" is finishing soon. There is discussion around naming the next version, and "Servicing X" came from a "trendy" exec. I mentioned a good abbreviation could be "ServX". I'm waiting for either a commendation or a write-up.

Did you hear about the new sports illustrated swimsuit edition coming out?

It’s gonna be nuts.

I watched the new thriller about the models who go camping.

It’s pretty in tents.

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Did you hear about the new TV drama about a team of plumbers?

It’s gonna be a shit-show.

Just found out that the boss of IKEA is the new Prime Minister of Sweden

He's still assembling his new cabinet

The new broom

Mom: "honey, I didn't see you use the super broom I bought you last year once....have you used it at all?"

Dad: "no I haven't needed to, it's doing its job perfectly where it is."

Mom: "what do you mean it's doing its job, you haven't even touched it for a whole year......?!?"

D...

I don't think the new AI is all that great.

I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."

That is really not helpful, at all.

I'm really excited about the new autopsy club I just joined.

Tuesday is Open Mike night.

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.

Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

Have you guys scene the new john Wilkes booth movie?

I’ve heard it’s mind blowing.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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I told my wife… that if we start having sex by the time they start the New Year’s Eve countdown

We’ll still have time to go see the fireworks

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What did the porn director say to the new girl?

If you start to get nervous out there, just picture everybody with their clothes on!

My wife brought home the new Prince Harry book

I prefer Cushelle or Andrex personally but times are hard I suppose

My wife hated the new expensive revolving chair that I bought but then she sat on it.

Eventually….she came around.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines

Found out they're adding a Priest villager in the new Minecraft update

I really thought the Creeper was sufficient.

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How do you spot the new guy at a nude beach?

Is super easy. You can see him coming a mile away.

They say sitting all day is the new smoking, so I make sure to get up and walk outside each hour

They don’t let me take smoke breaks indoors anyway

The new blonde waitress at the truck stop

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out ther...

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see the old Russian Navy.

Last year I entered the New York City marathon.

The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.<...

Have you heard about the new Star Trek Christmas movie?

It’s The Wreath of Khan

Have you heard about the new show about mountain goats?

Every episode ends on a cliffhanger.

The New Secretary

The CEO of a large company was in need of a secretary. He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he though...

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Have you heard of the new camouflage condoms?

Now they'll never see you cumming!

The new Australian short-sleeved, marsupial shirts are REALLY good! In fact, you could say they have a high level of…..

Koala-t

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Did you hear about the new restaurant downtown that serves, sweetbreads, pate’ haggis and scrapple?

It’s offal.

Have you read the new calculus novel?

I thought it was pretty derivative.

I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes

Gaslighting.

Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?

It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Did you hear about the new soap opera that only has specialists?

It's called "Specific Hospital"

A friend told me the new term for Mansplaining

Correctile Dysfunction

Did you hear about the new religious group of dentists?

They called themselves the Holy Molars.

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

The new doctor

A woman went to the doctor's office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told he...

Have you read about the new corduroy pillow cases?

Apparently, they're making headlines all over!

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

Did everyone hear about the new Beastie Boys documentary coming to Netflix?

The 5-part series will release parts A through D this winter. Upon completion, viewers are required to fight for their right to part E.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

I gave up drinking for the new year

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I gave up.

Drinking for the new year.

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

King Charles is the new ruler of England

He hopes he can measure up

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.“Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,” he says. “Try saying things like, ‘I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?”The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

Did you see the new movie they made about an air conditioner?

Wasn’t a fan

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Did you hear about the new cult that worships testicles?

They are sacrilegious.

The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey

He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".

Cunard shipping and Air Lingus decide to merge. They call the new business...

Air Nard

Did you hear about the new restaurant in space?

The food was pretty good but it felt like there was no atmosphere.

The new bike

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.

His buddy said

\- “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

\- “You’ll never believe this,” he said,

\- “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her...

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

this joke is brought to you by amazon for rating 6 of my recent purchases, have a nice day.

Myself & a bunch of guy friends tried to go to the new strip club named “The G Spot”…

We couldn’t find it.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

I couldn't help myself- before I knew what was happening, I found myself bragging about getting the new Nintendo console in 2006.

It was a Wii-flex.

Why did the new guy put cows on a forklift?

Because his supervisor told him they are “raising the stakes”

What do you think about the new diner on the moon?

Food was good but there really wasn't enough atmosphere

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Listened to the new [insert shitty band] album while working out and it really inspired me to power through the sets.

So I could turn it off faster. [OC]

People say that 60 is the new 40...

The cop who just pulled me over didn’t agree...

Have you heard about the new flatbread conspiracy theorists?

They're out to convince all naan believers.

The new CEO

A particularily large manufactuing company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them k...

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

Did you hear about the new flight company I'm starting exclusively for bald people?

Receding Airlines

Ever since I became the new produce inspector I've been visiting local grocers and supermarkets; but they're always surprised to see me.

It seems nobody expects the spinach inquisition

Has heard about the new vehicle powered by urine?

Apparently you can't get it there, as only European models are available

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

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My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

Well, I for one, LOVED the new format of the Oscars.

Will definitely be a HIT!

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Have you heard about the new Viagra for women?

It’s called Niagara…keeps ‘em wet for 3 days!

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

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Have you heard of the new sex move called the pistachio?

No? Well, it’s when a girl pees on your face and you get some in your moustache.

The New York Times just contracted me to row a boat for a upcoming story.

I'm the Times's new Row-man

I'm sure my wife liked the new refrigerator that I bought her for Christmas.

When she opened it her face lit up!

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The new recruit

An Israeli soldier who had just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO said "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tan...

Did you all see the new scary about the killer cow?

It was horror-bull.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CAN...

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Mouths are the new boobs.

Only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond

My Australian friend asked me to go see the new James Bond.

I said "No time to die"?

He replied: we can go tomorrow then!

Have you heard about the new Broadway act based on the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

Did you hear Amy Schumer is becoming the new mod

They chose her due to her ability to repost more than anyone else

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BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

I had to leave my job at the ceramics factory when they introduced the new equestrian range.

It was turning into a horse tile work environment.

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I hate the new homosexual studies class I'm taking this year...

It only has oral tests.

Did you hear about the new variant they’ve discovered in France?

Scientists have called it O-Macron.

A friendly reminder that gyms get really busy around the new year as people make their resolutions

So it’s best to wait for it to die down, usually around January 2nd

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

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I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.

My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."

The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"

Wanting to save face I ...

what did the new volcanologist researcher say to the other volcanologist after the lead researcher died?

We should probably give him a proper fumarole.

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new “Hipster” coffee shop?

Because you were drinking it before it was cool.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**

And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Da...

Have you seen the new Russian battle flag?

It's a white Z on a white background.

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It's called Pasta Way.

I thought it was the new detergent my wife started using that’s shrinking all my clothes.

As always my wife is right. It was the new pizza place across the street.

What's the most unrealistic part of the new James bond movie?

A Brit with a full tank of petrol.

Unbelievable!!

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"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."

"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

Have you heard about the new Covid strain going around?

The symptoms include loss of taste and smell, descent into horrific raving madness from gazing at Cthulu's twisted visage, and runny nose.

It's the Necromnicon variant.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

I've just spotted the new Batman shampoo for sale.

Although I feel they're missing a real opportunity by not producing a conditioner Gordon.

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The new monk.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head ab...

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

A Russian Proverb for the New Year

On average we live pretty well.

Worse than last year. But certainly better than next year.

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster:

The Great Composers!
"I wanna be Beethoven," said Stallone.
"I gotta be Mozart," retorted Willis.
"What about you, Arnie?" they asked....

Did you hear about the new sweet potato delivery service?

It's called Yamazon.

Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

The new priest

A new priest was nervous before his first sermon, so the monseigneur told him to have a bit of a drink before mass to take off the edge.

The new priest took the advice. After the sermon he returned to the rectory to find a note. It read:

Good sermon today, but a few small points:
<...

A man calls his wife's doctor to ask him about the new medicine she has to take (stop me if you heard this one before)

Doctor: tell your wife to administer the medicine anally.

Husband: ok

Husband to wife: the doctor told you to take it anally

Wife: what does that mean?

Husband: I don't know, I'll call him back.

Husband calls doctor and asks for clarification

Doctor: tell yo...

Did you hear about the new virus called the Peekaboo virus?

They recommend that if you get it, go straight to the ICU.

Why did the new mother cat put her kittens in the litter box?

She saw a sign, which read - Place your litter here.

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Going to the gym for the new year

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Now that it's the new year I'm sick of all the gym rats bitching and moaning about all us newbies taking up space in their gyms," the guy complains to the bartender. "We didn't complain when they came to use our pubs in December."

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