I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.
Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition
An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:
My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...
My wife came home from golfing with the girls and she seemed upset
I asked what’s wrong, and she said “I was in misery all day. I got stung by a hornet between the first and second holes”
I said, “Your stance is too wide.”
I was talking to a lovely young lady and things seemed to be going really well.
Then she said "There's something I want to get out of the way right now," and she reached up and took a wig off her head, and it turned out she was as bald as a new-laid egg.
"Alopecia," she said. "It's a condition that causes hair to fall out."
"Oh," I said. "...Just on your head, or ...
When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy.
I expected him to be a little bolder.
I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps
I was delighted.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I met and a girl we seemed to really hit it off.
I mean we really clicked. Same interests, same choice of music, same outlook on life. Everything was going great until I found out that she was into piss play. It just wasn't something I enjoyed. I was honest with her when we broke up. I said, it's not you it's pee.
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Advertisement aren't always what they seemed.
I was a single obese man watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So I thought, what the hell and signed up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at my door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about h...
When I was a kid 20 years ago, you could go to a convenience store with $5 and come out with what seemed like half of it.
Today you can't, because there are cameras.
I seemed to have lost all my vegetable puns
I hope they turnip somewhere
My dad got randomly fussed at by the doctor when he went to the urologist After talking with the doctor for a bit, the doctor seemed distant and my dad asked "What is it?"
That doctor said "urine trouble"
I showed my Mexican friends I know a little Spanish by saying "mucho" and they seemed really flattered
...they said it meant a lot to them.
My parents seemed upset when I told them about my new girlfriend.
So what if she's a miner?
Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
This lockdown is not bad as it seemed
Today I had a great chat with a web designer.
Can you guys believe, the guy lived in my attic the whole time!
Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy
After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might have Covid. I told him the odds of two people with Covid being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
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