UPJOKE
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So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...
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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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Two men both drag their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1968."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

I saw a man that didn't have a left or right foot.

He looked defeated.
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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

"I'm just trying to get off on the right foot"

\- Foot fetishist with OCD
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A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...
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At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot
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I was hoping 2019 would be a year where people stopped getting offended by everything, but boy was I wrong. All I said was "I hope you start off the new year on the right foot"

Damn amputees
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So Jane asks Tarzan if he knows what Sex is...

He asks, "what sex?". So she explains the mechanics and asks if he's ever done that. Tarzan says, "yes, with hole in tree".

Jane says, "no, no, no, this is where you're supposed to do it", and lays down on the ground with her legs spread open, gesturing Tarzan to mount her.

So Tarzan...

How do you do the hokey pokey if you’re a millipede?

You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in, You put your right foot in…
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If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.

My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”
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Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st, be sure to lift your left leg

That way, you'll start the New Year on the right foot.
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A soldier was wounded in Viet Nam

and his right leg was badly damaged by shrapnel. The medics were able to save it but the vet would always walk with a pronounced limp. He would often get together with his old army buddies, many of whom were similarly wounded.

Many years later the vet is taking a walk down the street and ...

A guy walks into a pet shop looking to get his girl a bird for Christmas.

The shop owner tells him that he’s in luck and a rare singing parrot just came in. He explains that the parrot is trained to sing when exposed to heat. The shop owner then flicks a lighter and puts the flame underneath the bird’s left foot. The parrot begins to sing: “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jin...
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My friend only has a left foot...

Every time he buys shoes he saves the right one, dreaming of a day when he meets a women with only a right foot.

I keep telling him that even if this dream woman exists, they'll probably never meet because they run in opposite circles.
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Frankenstein's monster went to a party

The Bride asks him if he wants to dance, but the monster declines. She asks him if he has Two Left Feet, and he confirms it. "It's not my fault. The Doctor couldn't find a right foot for me."
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A pothead and a leper are in jail

and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls off. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.


The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.


Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against ...
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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

I have recently discovered that I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sure where to start.

I just want to get off on the right foot.
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Doctor: “I have some bad news and some good news.”

Me: “What’s the bad news doc?”

Doctor: “I have to amputate your left foot.”

Me: “What’s the good news?”

Doctor: “You are going to start the new year on the right foot.”
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Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...
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Foot fetishists are great at first impressions.

They always get off on the right foot.
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When I first met my wife, I was worried she would find my fetish off-putting...

...but I got off on the right foot.
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A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...
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My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the...
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I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

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The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Sim...

Man went to see a wise doctor about his toe

As his little toe on his right foot is turning purple. The doctor examine it and then took a sip of his tea and said: "I have over 50 years of experience as a doctor yet I've never seen a case as severe as yours. We must remove your toe immediately before it spreads to the rest of your foot." So the...
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Everyone who hates speeding tickets

Raise your right foot
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I accidentally sprained my left ankle today.

Next year, I'll surely start on the right foot.
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Why’d the man jack off into his sock?

He wanted to get off on the right foot!

A man was doing some last minute Christmas shopping and spotted a beautiful parrot through the window of a pet shop.

The man walked inside to get a better look, and the owner of the shop approached the man.

"That's Chet," the owner said, "He's a very special parrot."

"What do you mean special?" the man asked.

The owner struck a match and held it under the parrots left foot and Chet began to...
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A guy buys a parrot...

And he has been told in the pet store, this parrot can say 2 phrases. If you pull a string on its right foot, it would say: "Good morning". If you would pull a string on its left foot, it would say: " How are you?". So this guy decides to test these ones out at home. Sure enough, parrot says: " Good...

What's the foot fetishist's secret to success?

Getting off on the right foot.
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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
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The Gift of Friendship

Bob and Joe, old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet unexpectedly.

“Joe!” says Bob.

“Bob!” says Joe, “How are ya? It’s been years!”

“It sure has!” says Bob, “But listen, I’m in a rush right now. Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow and we’ll catch up?”
<...

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Why did the guy who was into feet spend the entire first day at his new job looking for the perfect porn clip?

He just wanted to get off on the right foot.

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My favorite Christmas joke

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agree...

John gets a Christmas parrot

John decided to get his wife a Christmas present. Maybe a puppy. Walking in to the pet store, he searches for the right puppy.


"Excuse me sir, are you looking for a Christmas present?" the clerk asked. "Yes, I think she would like a puppy," John replies.


"Here," motioning towar...
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A woman walks into a pet shop

She sees a beautiful parrot, and asks the shop keeper if he says any words. The shop keeper says, "If you hold a match under his left foot he sings Highway to hell."

The lady is sceptical at first, but she tries it and the parrot sings Highway to hell. Amazed, she asks the shop keeper what e...
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The founder of the Hokie Pokie died the other day

His funeral was a fiasco. First they tried to put his right foot in...
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My friend has a parrot...

He comes over and says, "My parrot Chet can sing if I light a match under his foot. See?"

He lights a match under Chet the parrot's right foot and the parrot starts singing Happy Birthday.

"What happens if we light it under his left foot?" I ask. We do, and he starts singing 100 Bottle...
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A man limps into a bar

A man limps into a bar, visibly upset. The barkeep asks, "What's wrong?"


The man replies, "Just got back from the hospital, lost three toes on my right foot at work. Now I'm on disability leave at 60% pay."


The barkeep, suddenly angry, yells, "Get the fuck out of my bar!"
...

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Sean Connery trains his dog

Sean Connery takes his dog in for training because it poops in the house. “I’ve been doing everything it says to do in the dog training book, but he still poops in the house,” Connery complains to the dog trainer.

“Let’s see where he’s at,” the dog trainer replies.

The dog trainer says...

Damn Dirty Hippie

I live near a small store way out in the country close to a hippie commune. They're good people for the most part, although a bit smelly sometimes.

I was in there one day and a long-haired, scraggly looking fellow came in. He had a ten-dollar bill in one hand and was naked as the day he was b...
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