Quizzically Jokes - 43 Hilarious Quizzically Jokes

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?"

The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!"

... I'm sorry.

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

Jesus walks into a bar

The barman looks up and asks "We don't serve wine here"
Jesus looks at him quizzically and goes to look for a Spanish translator because he had just immigrated from Mexico and English was not his first language.

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

A boy and his class visit a zoo

At the zoo, a frog expert explains how to tell the difference between male frogs and female frogs. "The male frogs only eat female flies, while the female frogs only eat male flies."

The boy asks "How do you tell the difference between male flies and female flies?"

The frog expert look...

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman if he had any helicopter flavoured crisps...

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman if he had any helicopter flavoured crisps

The barman quizzically shakes his head and replies ‘’ WE ONLY HAVE PLAIN"...

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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

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A Four-year-old boy and his dad sit at the kitchen table.

It's Sunday morning and mom just made breakfast. On the table is french toast covered in butter and doused with their favorite maple syrup. There are four slices of bacon on each plate and an overwhelming amount of scrambled eggs. A tall glass of orange juice demands their attention. The boy and his...

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Best vampire joke ever, no really!

2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?"

To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary."

The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?"

The second vampire replies, "I'll...

A man walks into a bar with a pineapple on his head.

The bartender looks at him quizzically and says “Mate. Why the hell do you have a pineapple on your head?!” The man answers “Oh, it’s ok. I always wear a pineapple on my head on Tuesdays.” The bartender says “But it’s Thursday...” Upon hearing this the man’s face changes to a look of abject horror a...

I was playing outside all day with my daughter and when we got home, we noticed that I was completely sunburn!

She asked me, "Daddy, why didn't I get sunburn?"

I guffawed, "You can't, honey!"

She looked at me quizzically, "Really?"

I smiled, "You can only get daughterburn!"

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

miracle

One day in heaven, Saint Peter decided that it was time for a vacation, so he asked Jesus to watch the gates for him for a bit. The first day on the job Jesus saw an old man approaching. The man had white hair and a beard, and he looked somehow familiar. He spoke to the man and asked, "Have you been...

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Three Woman go to Heaven

Three Women go to heaven and stand before St Peter. The first women walks up and has an "A" on her stomach. St. Peter notices this and asks the woman "Why do you have an A on your stomach?" "Well," the woman began, "every time my husband made love to me, he wore his Alabama Sweater!", St. Peter nods...

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Two friends walk into a bar

The bartender greets them with a smile and a “What’ll it be boys?”
Friend one speaks up “You know what? I’m not sure. Got anything special?”

The bartender smiles and tosses him an apple.

“What the hell is this?” He cries.
“Just trust me,” says the bartender with a wink.

A...

A man walks into a bar

The bartender says " What would you like son?"
The man jumps up on the counter and starts unscrewing the bulbs from the fixtures.
Bartender looks quizzically at man. Man says "Amstel light"

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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

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A group of vampires walk into a bar when the bartender asks "what'll be?"

The vampires reply, "Cups of hot water for all of us"

They take the cups of hot water and shuffle off into a corner of the bar.

The bartender watches them for awhile and finally his curiosity gets the better of him so he walks over to them.

He looks at them quizzically, " Guys, ...

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A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

Blackberry Hill

A man tending bar was working as usual with a small number of people. A guy walks in with his pants slung over his shoulder, clearly sweating, his hot dog on full display. The bartender takes one look at him and asks, "What happened to you?"

The guy responds "I was on top of Blackberry Hill."...

A busload of people die

and go to heaven. Not just any busload, because this particular group was an "ugly person support group", on their way to Disneyland. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks at them all lined up and sighs, saying "since you all had such a rough life, due to being hideous, and you died so tragically, ...

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Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.

Nina asks "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"

Liz replies "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind".

"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.

"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on"

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A Native American's youngest son asked him a question

"Father, how did you get the inspiration for naming your children?"

The father smiled at him and replied, "Well, the moment that each of my children were born, I went outside the tent and the first thing I saw I named my child after. Like your brother, when he was born I rushed outside and sa...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

A blonde and a brunette..

A blonde and a brunette were walking past a flower shop when the brunette saw her boyfriend grabbing a bouquet of roses. She turns to the blond and says, "Now I'll be expected to lay on my back with my legs up in the air all weekend."

The blonde questions quizzically, "Why, don't you have a ...

A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender immediately says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says, "You've got a drink named Leonard?"

A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party...

A young lady in New Orleans is having her 16th birthday party when she runs up to her uncle and firmly tells him: "When you gonna take me to Florida or don't you remember your promise?" Her uncle seem a little confused, and as he gazed down at her quizzically, and a twinkle in his eyes and stated- ...

A doctor working at a mental hospital is roaming the halls late one evening

He enters the room of two patients. Patient #1 is standing at a table, pretending to saw a long plank in half. Patient #2 is hanging by his feet from the ceiling.

"What are you doing?" The doctor asks the 1st patient.

"Sawing this piece of wood of course." The patient replies condesce...

A piece of string walk into a bar...

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he s...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

Stalin calls a meeting in the Politburo

To hold a debate on wether there will be money in the Soviet Union. The two main factions, led by Trotsky and Bukharin, represent left- and right-wing views. Trotsky said, "We should absolutely abolish money, the state should be able to provide all of its citizens." Bukharin rises to speak, saying, ...

A man picks up answers a phone in the shopping center.

"hello darling i recently saw a necklace in a catalog and i want it, so do you mind if i use your credit card?"
"how expensive is it?" the man says
"just $1200"
"that cheap? hell i'll get four of them for you so you'll wear a different one each season"
"your so generous honey, oh i also ...

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Rectum Stretcher

I was on my way to work a few months ago and I'm going under an overpass. A cop pulls out, flips on the siren and sex lights, so we pull over. He sidles up to my window and asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"35?" I ask, knowing it's a 35 mph zone.

"Radar has you going 37," h...

An old man and his wife go to the fair...

*Sorry for long post, but it's worth it*

They come across a stunt helicopter ride. The old man watches in awe as this helicopter does flips and various other tricks.
"I'd love to go do that!" Says the man.
"But dear," says his wife "it's $50 and I want our retirement money to last"
...

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

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A man walks into a bar ...

... and sits down at a table. He had a pretty hard day at work so he orders a double and something to eat. While he waits for his food, a handful of others come in looking as beleaguered as he feels. These new patrons sit down at nearby tables and place orders similar to that which the man made.
...

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Sniffer dog on a plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second ma...

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

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