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My Son Jokes

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He's doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly ...

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewellers.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No."

“It’s to look at.”

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

I’m going to name my son ‘science’

So that he can win every argument with: “well, science says that…”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears

Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

My Son is such a c**t...

I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

I saw my son smoking a cigarette.

I said, "What are you doing, lad?"

He said, "I'm smoking, of course. What does it look like?"

"One cigarette takes seven minutes off your life," I informed him.

"Yeah. And what!?" he asked arrogantly.

"Here," I added, "have my packet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a movie with my son the other day. He got scared and asked me, "Daddy, is that woman really gonna die?"

I said, "Judging by the size of that horse's cock, yes."

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child services were not impressed with me.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

my son is a male trapped in a female body

he'll be born in may.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You.

Why I oughta...!

I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said, "Batman."

Now my wife and I refuse to take him to the theater.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

My son asked me why he doesn't get his own room when we use the extra one for storage.

I told him there's no room for mistakes.

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my son if he saw the newspaper...

Instead he pulls out his tablet, opens the news app, and calls me old school, "tablets are the way to go nowadays' he says.

Damn fly never stood a chance

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...

Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.

Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.

My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."

"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

My son asked me today, "Dad, what music did you like growing up?"

"Led Zeppelin," I replied.

"Who?" he said.

"Yeah, I liked them too."

I just bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

But the ungrateful brat sat in his wheelchair and cried the whole time.

My son is walking through the house, shouting “Duck! Duck! Duck!”

I told him to stop using fowl language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what’s an acorn?" I smiled and explained...

"Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!"

My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.

I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"

I think my son might be non-binary

He won’t give me a yes or no answer.

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My son is such a prick. I bought him a trampoline and he won't even jump on it.

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him...

...to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.

He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...

Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.

"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer"
...................

I think the little bastard found my porn stash.

My son was very upset when he found out he was adopted.

In hindsight, "one man's trash is another man's treasure" was probably not the best way to start that conversation.

I found my son playing with a voodoo doll.

He had already promised that he would stop. It really felt like I got stabbed in the back.

A man goes to his son and says "My son. It is time you took a wife."

"I agree, father. Whose wife should I take?"

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

My son and I did a science experiment for the end of the school year. We attempted to weigh a rainbow.

It turns out, it was pretty light.

instead of calling my son drew, I called him driew.

It's only weird if you say it backwards.

As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

Me and my son are getting glasses today.

And after that?

We'll see.

My son was shocked that I grounded him over a dad joke

I told him he can’t be shocked while grounded

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A Cat-Has-Trophey!

My son recently started an apprenticeship with one of the local plumbers

I love the look on his face when I tell friends, family, and anyone who will listen that he’s currently being potty trained.

My son handed me his report card and I asked him, “Why is this wet?”

He said, “My grades are below C level.”

My son video called me this morning.

He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name than video?”

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.

So my son watches this kid’s pirate show and they say “Hey ho, let’s go!” all the time.

So I keep emphatically saying it with him in hopes he’ll start to say it to my ex-wife.

My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a threesome with two hot princesses?"

I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.

Last night my son asked, “daddy, when will I have a big peepee like you?”

And I thought to myself *do all 25-year olds still talk like that?*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I'm not entirely sure why I tried it on in the first place.

My son told me that he was feeling hot while drinking alcohol

I said, "That's the spirit"

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

I suspect that my son has been flushing his blunts down the toilet.

No wonder my water bill is so high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son was born with 5 penises

I was devastated

His mother was devastated

His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son turned 18 recently. I immediately threw out his spoiled, rotten ass.

I'm donating the rest of his corpse to science.

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

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