UPJOKE
mansionhomehabitationlodgeresidencetenementabodeshelterdomicileroomduplexhouseguesthousefoyerhouseless

In The House Jokes

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

My wife asked me why I was speaking softly in the house….

I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

In the House of Commons, the new speaker made an announcement

The old speaker will pack his bags and go become the speaker in Washington DC as part of an exchange program given that it would improve the average IQ of both legislatures' speakers.

Why can't Ewoks yell and scream in the house?

They have to use their Endor voices.

What’s the best place in the house to hide from ghost?

The living room!

My wife asked me why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said DECEPTICONS. She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good time.

My wife is in the house singing.

I’m sitting on the front porch so the neighbors don’t think I’m hitting her

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was so conservative that when I was a kid he wouldn't allow Skittles in the house because they let you taste the rainbow.

And rainbows taste like dick.

I gave my children a warning about using their whistle in the house, they had one last chance…

Unfortunately… they blew it

A woman was having an orgy with 3 army men, then she heard her husband coming in the house...

She frantically told the 3 guys to gather all their uniforms and hide in the balcony, and they did. The husband greeted her and didn't suspect a thing. She tried to distract him from going to the balcony but then he became adamant about grilling since it was so nice outside. He opened the balcony do...

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house

The woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pants in the House

Mike was going to be married so his Father sat him down for a little chat.


He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

She did and said, 'These are too big....

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

Get in the House, Lock the Doors, Close the Windows.

It's an inside joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk walks into a packed bar, holds his wallet in the air, and says, "A round of your finest for everyone in the house! And pour one for yourself, bartender!"

So the bartender pours a drink for everyone in the place, and downs a shot for himself. Then he says to the guy, "That'll be $250, buddy."

The guy says, "I don't have any fuckin' money."

The bartender leaps over the bar, beats the man half to death, and throws him out in the alley out ...

The Divorce Settlement

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come to collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background musi...

Devin Nunes passed a bill in the House of Representatives today.

The hard part was swallowing William earlier in the day.

A. Is there a doctor in the house?!

B. I'm a doctor...of philosophy.
A. But this guy is going to die!
B. We're all going to die.

Greg wants to show his friend Max the golden toilet in the house he cleans in.

Greg cleans a big luxury house every week, the owner of the house is Mustafa. In the house the owner has a golden toilet and Greg thought it looked really luxurious and decided to show it to his friend Max. One day they go over to the house and ring the doorbell. Mustafa's wife comes to the door and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

"Dad, it's cold in the house..."

- "Well, go stand in a corner."
- "Why?"
- "Because a corner is 90 degrees."

A jewish woman gets up mid-flight and shouts, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

A nice man stands up from his seat and says, "I am! What's the problem?"
Woman replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

Today my wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it in the house

So we went out, had a few drinks, he's a pretty chill guy and he's a web designer

What does Vladimir Putin wipe his feet on before he goes in the house?

The Kompromat.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.