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Fetal Position Jokes

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

Told my girlfriend i wanted to try sleeping in the fetal position.

after a few minutes she said what are you doing you can't fit all the way in there..

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

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Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and i...

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.

"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an erection during this procedure."

"I don't have an erection', I responded.
...

Why doesn't the Reddit app auto-rotate from portrait to landscape?

So you can still use it while you lay sobbing in the fetal position.

How many people with Metathesiophobia does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not sure, they are all just hyperventilating in the fetal position right now.

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The Devil Makes a Deal with 3 Addicts Sentenced to Hell

Three sinners are sentenced to Hell for their various addictions. One is addicted to drinking, one is addicted to sex, and one is addicted to smoking. The Devil tells them that he is going to lock them in a room with their respective desires for a thousand years, and if they manage to resist temptat...

If you were to describe me in a nutshell...

... it would probably be in a fetal position pushing against the sides hoping that the shell would break.

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Six was never the same after the war. The metallic clang of a dumpster closing and a garbage truck in the morning would bring him back to the enemy tanks running over innocent houses and villages whilst he and his surviving mates hid cowering in the bushes waiting for the metallic monstrosities to p...

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Little Johnny came down to Breakfast.

His mom says, "What do you want for breakfast Johnny?"

Johnny Replies, "Just give me some fuckin' corn flakes!"

His mom, shocked at first, grabs the broom and begins to beat the shit out of little Johnny. Johnny screams for his life.

All the while Johnny's little brother Timmy w...

What do you call a foot doctor, curled up in a ball on the floor?

A pedal physician in the fetal position.

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An alcoholic, a womanizer and a pot head die and go to hell.

Satan has a room of punishment for each one.

Satan meets the alcoholic and opens his torment room full of alcohol. After a 100 years he opens the room and the alcoholic runs out screaming that he is sober.

Satan shows the room to the womanizer full of naked women and casts him in. Af...

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

A drunkard is walking down the street...

...when a Nun, dressed in her habit, comes towards him from the other direction.

As the Nun is about to pass the drunkard, he steps back, and takes a massive swing at her head, knocking her to the ground.

Not quite done yet, the drunkard lays a couple of kicks into the Nun while she's...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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Submitted this to r/trees and didn't get much love. Maybe you guys will like it more.

One day a doctor decided to do an experiment on 3 people with different vices. He chose a sex addict, an alcoholic and a stoner. He took the sex addict to a room filled with all sorts of women, men and and sex toys that the sex addict could imagine. The doctor told the sex addict that he would check...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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