The Ashes Jokes - 14 Hilarious The Ashes Jokes

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Talk to the Ashes

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A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.

She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

I went to Hell for burning a Bible and shooting up the ashes with a syringe.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the Lord's name in vein.

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How to catch a brown bear

First you need to dig a hole. But it's gotta be a big ass hole because you are going to fit a brown bear in there. Next you need to start a fire inside of the hole. After the fire dies completely out take the ashes from that fire and spread them all around the inside of the hole. After that take a c...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

Three doctors are talking about death

The first, a dentist, says, “When I die, I think I’d like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.”

“Hey,” adds the cardiologist, “that’s not a bad idea, I’d love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…”

The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, “I think scatt...

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OH Henry

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memoria...

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

During WW2 a British pilot is captured by the Germans and sent to a POW camp.

While there he developes an infection in his leg and the camp doctor tells him that they have to amputate.

"I have a request," says the pilot, "could you please cremate the limb and sprinkle the ashes over my beloved home land the next time your boys do a flyover?"

"We can do that." sa...

Got funky with your Grandma last night

You'd think the hardest part of it would be sticking it in the urn, but washing the ashes off was far worse.

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A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."

She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

Guide to trapping an elephant.

Start by digging a hole about 10 meters deep, and 5 meters in diameter.

Then, light a fire down in the center of the pit, a really big fire. Let the fire burn down to just the ashes, and leave it.

Place a pea 1 inch apart from one another, around the entire hole.

So, when the el...

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A masochist, a sadist, a necrophile and a pyromaniac are walking down the street.

They see a cat.

Sadist: "God, I just wanna tear this cat to shreads, and have his blood all over the place."

Pyromaniac: "Yea, and after that we can set his pieces on fire!"

Necrophile: "And after that maybe we can take the ashes and make sweet sweet love to them?"

Ma...

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