UPJOKE
russellsaundersadmirallaurencelonniealistairtanyalevittbolgerdeontobinlachlangrahameaitkenannabel

Russel Jokes

Shocking to hear about Russell Brand, isn't it?

I had no idea he was a comedian.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

Me: A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie

Friend: Gladiator?

Me: No I really miss her.

My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So i am......

.....


an Ice Cube

Cred: Russell Peters

When I heard about Russell's Paradox, I got so excited...

I didn't know if I could contain myself!

What do you call an epileptic in a bush?

Russel.

I don’t know whether to get a jack russel or a lab...

Because I really like dogs, but I also really like to have a place to do experiments

NSFW - What do you call Russell Wilson getting a golden shower?

A Ciara Mist

After the dalmation knocked up the neighbor's Jack Russell...

...he experienced post-mutt clarity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problem with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about consuming a mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

What do you call a man under a pile of leaves? - Russell. What do you call a man under a pile of leaves for thousands of years?

Pete.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russell Crowe never regrets cunnilingus

He'll always be Gladiator.

Russell Crowe showed no remorse after cannibalising his wife.

In fact, he seemed like he was Gladiator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russell Crowe never really liked performing cunnilingus on a woman but after having tried it for the first time...

he was gladiator.

What do you call a guy who lives in a big paper bag?

Russell

What did Russell Crowe say when he went down on his girlfriend?

I don't know, but he was Gladiator

What's the difference in a conspiracy theory and the truth

6 months


Source: Russel Brand

I was walking my dogs today, and a man asked me "Are they Jack Russels?"

I said "Nah mate, they're mine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found Peter Dinklage on a Hertzsprung–Russell diagram...

It said "white dwarf"

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......

...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.

Read online on a comment. LOL

What do you get when you cross a small dog with a donkey?

A Jack Russell Derrière.

What did Russell Crowe say when he found out that his ex-wife was eaten by a cannibal?

I'm gladiator.

Do you think Bill of the Celtics kids were referred to as

B. Russell Sprouts?

What do you call an epileptic person in a tree?

Russell.

A bloke took a couple of stuffed Jack Russell terriers into an antique dealer for appraisal. "What would you expect them to fetch if they were in good condition?", the dealer asked him.

"I don't know... Sticks?"

One night, there was a rustle in the bushes.

His mom shouted, "Russel, get out of the bushes!"

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

That same guy in your pool? Bob

Same guy in your hot tub? Stew

Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack

Same guy on your porch? Matt

Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer

Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel

What do you...

A young, married Asian couple,

Russell and Amy Wong were expecting their first baby. When Amy went into labor, they rushed to the hospital and several hours later, Amy gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. They were both over the moon with happiness.

Since it had gotten very late, Russell went home to get a few hou...

A man is out walking his dogs

another guy Comes up to him and asks “excuse me are those Jack Russels?”
The owner quickly replies “No they’re mine!”

What do you call a guy/girl with no arms and no legs jokes. (WDYCAGWNAANL)

Ok these are pretty common, so I'll start with a couple of standards and then add some I came up with.

WDYCAGWNAANL in a mailbox? Bill

WDYCAGWNAANL in front of a door? Matt

WDYCAGWNAANL in the water? Bob

WDYCAGWNAANL in a pile of leaves? Russel.

In a hole? Doug....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Many Dogs Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!...

A guide to waking up in the morning

Step 1: Buy a rooster

Step 2: Name it Russell

Step 3: Fall asleep

Step 4: Wake up to Russell Crowe

The set of natural numbers, the set of rational numbers, and the set of integers walk into a bar

Before long, they've had their fill and start causing drunken havoc, disturbing all the patrons. The bartender intends to get to the bottom of this matter. Reasoning that a mathematician would be able to help, he calls Bertrand Russell.

"Hey, I've got three sets in my bar and they're acting p...

It funny the things that seem normal when you're a kid.

There was always this kid at the park, covered in dry leaves. We used to call him Russell.

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you ...

Famous Philosophers

Aristotle - "what does it mean to be a good person"

Descartes - what does it mean to "be"

Nietzsche - "what does it mean"

Bertrand Russell - "what does 'it' mean"

C.S. Lewis - "what does it"

Lil Jon - "what"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dogs will be Doggs

Three dogs are at the vet. One asks the others, "So, what are you guys in for?"

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivere...

A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"

" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat...

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

Don’t lean back on your chair

“You shouldn’t lean back on your chair you’ll become spastimacated”

“I don’t think that’s how you say it”

“That’s how he says it now”

Credit to Russell Howard

A bunch of Hollywood celebrities formed two baseball teams...

...to raise money for a charity.

The day of the match arrived and everyone was ready. The celebrities were dressed in their outfits, some practising their throws and catches, others practising their swing. Russell Crowe was selected to umpire.

The match started, and the two teams, "The...

When I was in the military we used to have comedy night, where everyone would sit and take turns telling jokes.

We didn't know many jokes however, so we made a list of all the jokes we knew, each joke had a number. For example, the "Everyone knows Dave" joke was number 10, the "Two priests in a bathtub" joke was number 15, and so on.

We always told the same jokes so we eventually memorized the whole li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

COWBOY'S TOMB STONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah! I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest? His five rules for a happy life are below.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, coo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.