New Year's Resolution Jokes - 25 Hilarious New Year's Resolution Jokes

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I still haven't broken my New Year's resolution this year.

It was not to make anyone laugh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Year's resolution

My New Year's resolution this year was going to be:

1. Procrastinate more in 2023

But fuck it, I'll do it next year

My new year's resolution for 2023

Is to accomplish the goals of 2022 which I should have done in 2021 because I promised them in 2020 and planned them in 2019

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

My New Year's resolution is to start my own sheep farm

I've already found the perfect location in Seattle and I already moved over there. Now I'm just waiting for the first animals to arrive, because for the moment I'm basically Sheepless in Seattle ...

What's the best New Year's resolution?

1080p or 4k.

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.

It's my new year's resolution.

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

My new year's resolution is to be more assertive...

...if that's OK with you guys?

My 2020 New Year's resolution was to reduce my carbon footprint.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

A man and his friend were talking about their New Year's Resolutions.

Friend: I heard you set some really tough resolutions, have you completed them?

Man: Well of course! I've swam across the Pacific Ocean in only speedos.

Friend: Neat.

Man: Scaled Mount Everest naked!

Friend, a bit skeptical: Really?

Man: Well, t...

Progression of the New Year's resolution:

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
E

My new year's resolution is to upvote every joke that is OC

Right after I repost it

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

My New Year's resolution is to complain loudly about all my past regrets.

Hindsight is 2020.

Two men are talking about their new year's resolutions

Man #1: My new year's resolution was to get my wife pregnant.

Man #2: Woah, that was my resolution too!!

Man #1: Really? I didn't know you were married...

Man #2: I'm not.

Man #1: Then how was your new year's resolution to get your wife pregnant?

Man #2: I was ta...

My New Year's resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

Roll on 2018

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

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