Lawyer Joke Jokes

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To hold the foreskin back.

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the... read more

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ... read more

I'm reading Thomas King's book "Obsidian" and there's a line it that asks "Why do lawyers look like psychopaths? Because they don't want to look like politicians."

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ... read more

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H... read more

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt lik... read more

Why wouldn't a snake bite a lawyer?

\- Professional code of ethics



When do you know a lawyer is lying?

\- When the lawyer's lips are moving



Why state A has more lawyers and state B has more toxic waste dump sites?

\- State B got to chose first

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two milli... read more

Did you hear about the new stamps with famous lawyers?

Apparently they got recalled because people got confused which side to spit on.

Lawyer Joke!

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married i... read more

Submit your favorite lawyer jokes!

3. The rest are true stories

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that... read more

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office. After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge... read more

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy c... read more

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers?

A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.... read more

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put,... read more

You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

What's the difference between a Lawyer & a Hooker?
A hooker quits screwing you when you're dead :)

The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist re... read more

Lawyers are people, just like you and me. In fact, I bet if you split open a lawyer's chest, you'll find a heart of gold. And if you don't, hey, at least you split open his chest.